11 Phrases Truly Brilliant People Use To Get Exactly What They Want
People who know how to get what they want know how much depends on the things you say.
Joshua Seiler / Shutterstock It’s not always easy for people to ask for what they want. Negotiating is often referred to as an art, which means that successful negotiations require a certain skillset. According to UC Berkeley, an effective negotiator will get what they want while ensuring that the other person is satisfied with the outcome. Negotiation might not come naturally to everyone, yet there are certain phrases truly brilliant people use to get exactly what they want.
Genuinely successful negotiations have positive outcomes for both parties and strengthen the relationship of the people involved. Being empathic, innovative, and flexible are all strategies that truly brilliant people use to get exactly what they want.
Here are 11 phrases truly brilliant people use to get exactly what they want
1. ‘I understand where you’re coming from’
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Truly brilliant people use the phrase “I understand where you’re coming from” to get exactly what they want. They say this to demonstrate that they’re not operating from a place of hostility, but rather, one where they actually want to hear the other person’s side.
Saying “I understand where you’re coming from” shows that they’re approaching the conversation with empathy. Their purpose isn’t to win: They want to find an agreement that both people can be happy with. As clinical social worker Lyssa deHart notes, “Empathy is linked to emotional intelligence and helps us become the most successful version of ourselves.”
She further defines empathy as “the ability to feel compassion for others in relation to their own experiences. It’s finding a way to recognize 'me in you,’ which is exactly what the phrase “I understand where you’re coming from” does.
Showing interest in people matters,” deHart continued. “Charismatic people show interest in others. They are looking at you, listening to you, and responding to you. You don’t remember what people do — you remember how you feel.”
When truly brilliant people tell others that they understand their perspective, they get one step closer to getting exactly what they want, just by virtue of making that person feel heard and respected.
2. ‘Can you clarify what you mean?’
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A phrase truly brilliant people use to get exactly what they want is “Can you clarify what you mean?” Using this phrase allows them to gain a complete understanding of the other person’s point of view, so that they can better present a solution that benefits them both. This phrase asks the other person to explain how they see things, while setting the stage for an open and direct discussion.
According to speaker and coach Ann Papayoti, the first step to having a difficult conversation is to clearly define what you want to achieve before the conversation begins.
“Be confident in knowing what you want to say and the outcome you desire,” she advised, noting that this will help ground you so you can stay as calm as possible.
Papayoti recommended using supporting and positive language, asking questions, and staying open-minded. She pointed out that by approaching conversations with “a posture of positivity, a tone of compassion, and an intention of sincerity, you can turn a perceived difficulty into an opportunity to understand better and grow your relationships.”
3. ‘I appreciate your input’
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Another phrase truly brilliant people use to get exactly what they want is “I appreciate your input.” This phrase exemplifies how to respectfully influence other people while maintaining an underlying tone of professionalism. Telling someone “I appreciate your input” is a way to build trust while lifting the other person up so they feel empowered in their perspective.
Truly brilliant people know that getting exactly what they want means treating the other person as an ally, not an enemy. A study from Harvard Law School found that asking for advice makes people seem more competent than those who don’t put themselves out there and ask for guidance. The researchers noted that asking for advice boosts the other person’s self-confidence while allowing them to share what they think.
The more people feel appreciated, the more likely they are to give you what you want, which is something truly brilliant people use to their advantage.
4. ‘Let’s try a different approach’
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The phrase “Let’s try a different approach” is one truly brilliant people use to get exactly what they want. This phrase opens the door to looking at alternative options without sounding dismissive. By showing that they’re flexible, truly brilliant people get a step closer to getting exactly what they want.
“Negotiation is inherently a cooperative exercise but you’re competing at the same time,” Stanford University professor Michele Gelfand explains. “So there’s this dance between being cooperative and competitive. A lot of times people put a lot of weight on the competitive part. I think about it as an incredible creative decision-making process where if you can really understand each other’s interests and then dig deep into how you can accomplish both of your priorities, it could be incredibly rewarding.”
“The more issues you have on the table, the more win-win potential there is because there’s going to be some probability that you have differences in preference, differences in priorities,” she continued. “So the more issues you have, the more alternatives, the more you will be able to get to a win-win structure.”
Truly brilliant people suggest a variety of approaches because they know there’s no one-size-fits-all solution to any issue. They understand that the best answers come from collaborative thinking, which is why they use the phrase “Let’s try a different approach.”
5. ‘I’m committed to making this work’
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Truly brilliant people use the phrase “I’m committed to making this work” to get exactly what they want. The phrase sends a message of confidence and high self-efficacy, showing that they believe in their own abilities.
Charles Craver, a law professor and the author of “The Intelligent Negotiator,” advises people to hold a compassionate and considerate mindset when negotiating.
“Never be so tough in negotiations that you begin with a negative relationship,” he says. “Don't do something in the short run that will come back to hurt you in the long run — that's not a smart negotiation.”
Craver recommended an approach he calls “competitive problem solving,” explaining that “competitive problem solvers want a good deal for themselves, but they also want to maximize the joint return of both parties.”
When truly brilliant people use the phrase “I’m committed to making this work,” they reveal their focus and dedication, while acknowledging that they want what’s best for both people.
6. ‘Let’s aim for common ground’
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The phrase “Let’s aim for common ground” is one truly brilliant people use to get exactly what they want. Using this phrase frames the conversation in a positive light, showing a willingness to hear all sides for a constructive resolution.
The authors of the book “Getting To Yes” point out that learning to manage how you feel during negotiations leads to more positive outcomes.
“Freed from the burden of unexpressed emotions, people will become more likely to work on the problem,” they explained. The authors advise expressing appreciation for the other person and sharing your message in a positive tone, which is exactly what “let’s aim for common ground” does.
Ultimately, the authors of “Getting To Yes” want people to free themselves from the cycle of action and reaction, so they can find common ground.
“If the other side announces a firm position, you may be tempted to criticize and reject it. If they criticize your proposal, you may be tempted to defend it and dig yourself in ... if they push you hard, you will tend to push back,” they concluded.
Looking for commonalities is a crucial part of meeting everyone’s needs, or at least trying to do so.
7. ‘Can we revisit this topic after some reflection?’
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Truly brilliant people use the phrase “Can we revisit this topic after some reflection?” to get exactly what they want. They pose this question as a way to navigate heightened emotions, because they know that coming together from a calm and grounded place helps both people involved.
Licensed professional counselor Gina Binder touches on the power of taking a moment away from an intense conversation. She describes time for quiet reflection as “something golden,” noting that “a moment of silence allows us to honor precious memories or gather our thoughts before speaking.”
When truly brilliant people ask to revisit a conversation after reflection, they’re essentially building a safe, secure container to discuss difficult topics. They’re making space for each person to treat each other thoughtfully.
Being emotionally reactive serves no purpose, except to widen the distance between two people. Taking time away to reflect and respond with care is a sign someone has high emotional intelligence, and demonstrates that they genuinely care about the outcome.
8. ‘I’m open to feedback’
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Another phrase truly brilliant people use to get exactly what they want is “I’m open to feedback.” This phrase shows that they have a growth mindset, as opposed to a fixed mindset, and they value other worldviews that differ from their own.
In her book “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” Carol S. Dweck, PhD, makes a direct connection between mindset and attitude, noting that when it comes to how you see yourself, “The view you adopt for yourself profoundly affects the way you lead your life. It can determine whether you become the person you want to be and whether you accomplish the things you value.”
“Believing that your qualities are carved in stone — the fixed mindset — creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over,” she explains.
In contrast, a growth mindset “is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts, your strategies, and help from others. Although people may differ in every which way — in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments — everyone can change and grow through application and experience.”
“The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset. This is the mindset that allows people to thrive during some of the most challenging times in their lives,” Dweck concludes.
Being open to feedback and seeing the world according to someone else’s viewpoint is a hallmark of a truly brilliant person, and it helps them get exactly what they want.
9. ‘Help me understand your perspective’
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Truly brilliant people use the phrase “Help me understand your perspective” to get exactly what they want. This phrase validates the other person, showing them that they play an equally important role in figuring out a solution to the issues at hand. Using the phrase “Help me understand your perspective” highlights that they’re focusing on collaboration, not competition.
The phrase “Help me understand your perspective” is an inherently kind-hearted and compassionate way to speak to someone. As law professor Charles Craver explains, “Skilled bargainers do not behave badly.”
“If you come to me and begin negatively I will look for a reason to tell you ‘no.’ But if you are professional and personable, I will feel guilty if I say ‘no,’” he states.
Craver noted that having strong interpersonal skills is way more valuable in negotiating than being aggressive. He describes this concept as “negotiating emotional intelligence,” emphasizing the need for self-awareness, empathy, and the ability to be adaptive.
When truly brilliant people ask the other person to help them understand their perspective, they’re signaling their desire to fully see the other person’s “why,” which helps them get exactly what they want.
10. ‘I want make this a win-win’
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A phrase truly brilliant people use to get exactly what they want is “I want to make this a win-win.”
Part of getting to a win-win scenario means that both people have shared with each other exactly what they want. Margaret Neale, a Professor of Management at Stanford University School of Business, makes a simple yet powerful point: asking for what you want is the key to getting it.
“You need to ask for what you want, period,” she says. “If you don’t ask for what you want, how will anybody know what it is you want? And if you don’t ask for what you want, who will?”
“One of the things that we know from decades and decades of research is that people want to help. They’d like to have the agency to be able to say yes to you. And giving folks that agency is a gift to them,” Neale concludes.
As Neale made clear, most people genuinely want to help, which is why truly brilliant people use the phrase “I want to make this a win-win.”
11. ‘Let’s work together to reach an agreement’
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Truly brilliant people use the phrase “Let’s work together to reach an agreement” to get exactly what they want. They know that working together really is the best option, and they know that the foundation of working together is clear communication.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Randi Gunther explains that every individual in a relationship tends to have a different conflict resolution style, noting that “one of the most common and destructive of these conflict patterns happens between one partner who withholds information and feelings during a fight and the other who concedes it.”
“To change this potentially destructive conflict pattern, both partners must have the courage to identify which role they play and what drives them to do so,” Dr. Gunther continues. “This can only be accomplished if they refrain from blaming one another and commit together to changing their pattern.”
“Withholding partners — whatever their reasons for hiding their thoughts and feelings — must be willing to open up their hidden world to their partners. And those who too easily concede must value their internal world by protecting it until they are certain it is right to let it be known.”
“All it takes is a willingness from both partners to choose honesty and openness in an argument — no matter the outcome,” Dr. Gunther concludes.
Truly intelligent people are entirely aware that collaboration is the way forward, which is why they want to find an agreement that works for everyone.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.