11 Phrases Truly Brilliant People Say To Put An Angry Person In Their Place
When someone is angry, being reasonable doesn't come naturally.
ESB Professional / Shutterstock Standing in the path of someone’s uncontrolled anger is scary, yet there are several grounding phrases truly brilliant people say to put an angry person in their place. Learning how to deescalate a tense situation requires patience and the ability to see the angry person’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with the intensity of their emotions.
Anger is a normal emotional reaction that signals something is internally off-balance. While anger in itself isn’t definitively toxic, it can manifest in unhealthy and harmful ways, both for the person experiencing anger and for the people nearby. When someone is unable to manage their anger, it turns into rage, boiling over and exploding.
Here are 11 truly brilliant phrases people say to put an angry person in their place
1. ‘I see that you’re angry and I want to understand’
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A phrase truly brilliant people say to put an angry person in their place is “I see that you’re angry and I want to understand.” This phrase diffuses the situation and gives the angry person the opportunity to explain why they feel the way they do, which can ultimately lead them toward calmness.
Life coach Alex Mathers shared that anger can act as an emotional spotlight. Although anger is painful, it can also reveal parts of yourself that you’ve been trying to repress.
“Like any form of passionate emotion, anger can show us some interesting things about ourselves,” he explained. “We can often shame ourselves into thinking that feeling angry or fearful means there’s something wrong with us. And we fail to look further into understanding it. But understanding is healing. It diminishes anger.”
“When we get angry and then ask why, we get answers. It shows you what you value highly,” Mathers continued. “When you can understand more about what you value, which is good when you are angry, compassion and logic begin to diminish the red cloud of rage. Maybe you can even use your past rages to point you toward your passions worth pursuing.”
According to Mathers’ point of view, anger uncovers what’s really going on under the surface of someone's emotional landscape. Once an angry person tunes into the message their anger is trying to send, they can center themselves, acknowledge their feelings, and move forward.
When brilliant people say “I see that you’re angry and I want to understand,” they’re guiding the angry person to locate and express their emotions, which can bring them back down to earth.
2. ‘It’s okay to be frustrated, but you can’t speak to me in that tone’
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Another phrase brilliant people say to put an angry person in their place is “It’s okay to be frustrated, but you can’t speak to me in that tone.” This phrase works on two levels: It sets a firm boundary while validating how the other person feels. When brilliant people say this, they hold space for the angry person without compromising their own emotional needs.
The American Psychological Association pointed out that anger is an adaptive, evolutionary response to threats, which is why people become aggressive when they feel angry. While it’s a natural human instinct, aggression isn’t a healthy way to handle anger. The APA shared that people use three main processes to manage anger, which encompass both conscious and unconscious reactions. These approaches are expressing anger, suppressing anger, and calming anger.
Expressing anger is the healthiest way to navigate through this difficult emotion. In order to express anger, people have to pinpoint their needs and get those needs met in a safe, appropriate way. Being assertive, rather than aggressive, can achieve this goal.
Assertive communication is built around respect for both people involved in a conflict. When a truly brilliant person tells an angry person that they won’t be spoken to in an aggressive tone of voice, they’re asserting their limits, and they expect the other person to meet them there.
3. ‘I’m only willing to talk about this in a calm way’
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A phrase truly brilliant people say to put an angry person in their place is “I’m only willing to talk about this in a calm way.” Anger can be a destructive force. It might lie dormant for some time, but anger is always there, and it will always come out in one way or another. When a truly brilliant person puts an angry person in their place by saying “I’m only willing to talk about this in a calm way,” they’re setting the stage for the angry person to embrace change and feel their feelings in a productive way.
Therapist and founder of the Relational Life Institute Terry Real spoke with YourTango CEO Andrea Miller on the “Getting Open” podcast about the power of breaking traumatic narratives and writing a new script.
“Family pathology rolls from generation to generation, taking down everything in its path,” he explained. “Like a fire in the woods, until one person has the courage to turn and face the flames.”
“That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children, as well,” Real said. “Do this work for your marriages, do this work for your children. The best gift you can give your children is a healthy you.”
“Transform the legacy,” he concluded.
Anger can live deep within a person’s bones. It can be passed down from one generation to the next, and it will be passed down, unless people do the necessary emotional work to disrupt the cycle and reset their systems.
4. ‘Screaming won’t solve anything, so let’s take a different approach’
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Another phrase truly brilliant people say to put an angry person in their place is, “Screaming won’t solve anything, so let’s take a different approach.” While it’s valid to have big feelings and express agitation, screaming is an act of hostility. Raising your voice only serves to aggravate a situation. Truly brilliant people are fully aware that yelling isn’t an appropriate way to communicate, even if someone’s upset.
Screaming is an example of embodied anger. When an angry person starts screaming, they shift the energy of the conflict they’re facing, from something manageable to a situation with extremely elevated tension that threatens to spin out of control.
Certified grief coach Pamela Aloia shared various signs that anger has overpowered a person’s life and offered approaches to deal with that anger, noting that “being in a constant state of anger is a much deeper and darker emotion that could destroy everything around us as well as ourselves — over time.”
“When people start feeling like we’re emotionally toxic to them and have limited to no compassion for others or our surroundings, it may be time to do some internal review of our thoughts and behaviors,” she explained.
Aloia shared that acceptance is a pathway to managing anger. Moving through anger requires recognizing that you’re not always right, even if your anger feels justified.
“Accept that you won’t be right all the time,” she advised. “When we are stuck in long-term anger, it can be hard to not feel this way and react as if we believe we are right or infallible.”
“Acceptance is realizing that sometimes we don't have all the facts, so we can't have all the answers, and we can't always be right. Acceptance is being okay with that, which leads to finding compassion and humility in ourselves and others,” Aloia concluded.
5. ‘Let’s take some time to reset’
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Truly brilliant people say the phrase “Let’s take some time to reset” to put an angry person in their place and diffuse high-pressure situations. When an argument gets so heated that it seems like the other person is on the edge of an emotional explosion, brilliant people press pause. They suggest taking a break, so that the angry person can decompress and recenter themselves, and return to the conversation in a calmer way.
Therapist Carole H. Spivack shared accessible ways to gain control of anger, one of which is stepping away from the situation.
She suggested going to a private place and processing your anger by writing it down on the “Notes” app on your phone, which allows you to physically release the current conflict and gain some semblance of perspective.
“Put the date and time and the name of the other person involved,” Spivack advised. “Write exactly what they said or did that got to you, then a few words of context so you’ll remember this in a few weeks if you need to. Note the intensity of the internal feeling you had about what they said or did on a scale of 1 to 10.”
She recommended taking deep breaths and asking questions to assess how to re-enter the situation, including “What could I do now? What’s the worst that could happen if I wait until later or another day to discuss this?”
“Sometimes, just by leaving a charged situation, you can change the dynamic,” Spivack explained. “While you are gone it may allow for the other person to have a moment of reflection, or the situation may diffuse in some way… but if you stay in the situation and stick to old patterns of behavior, nothing new and healthy happens.”
Taking a break is an act of self-respect and self-compassion. While it might seem counterintuitive, walking away sets the stage for more effective communication in the long run. Giving yourself a moment to breathe is a way to give yourself grace.
6. ‘Can you clarify your concerns so I understand where you’re coming from?’
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Truly brilliant people put angry people in their place with the phrase “Can you clarify your concerns so I understand where you’re coming from?” Asking this question serves two purposes.
First, it gives the angry person an opportunity to put words to their feelings, which can help them understand why they’re reacting so strongly. Second, it underscores how much the speaker cares about the angry person and shows that they genuinely want insight on why they’re so angry.
This question is an example of an intentional approach to conflict resolution. It centers the angry person’s feelings while holding them accountable for explaining themselves.
The power of this question lies in its direct simplicity. It’s not asking for an analysis of their emotions or any immediate solution. It just asks the angry person to outline exactly what they’re upset about, which provides clarity and allows both people to move forward in the conversation.
7. ‘I won’t engage in this fight, but I’ll gladly explain my perspective’
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Another phrase truly brilliant people say to put an angry person in their place is, “I won’t engage in this fight, but I’ll gladly explain my perspective.” This phrase sets a firm boundary in a calm, measured way.
Brilliant people say this phrase to define behavior they’re not willing to tolerate. By establishing their limits, they also establish the direction their conversation will take.
Brilliant people understand that anger is only productive when it’s not being weaponized. There’s a difference between being angry and being hostile. Brilliant people know that saying this phrase can reroute an angry person’s mode of communicating, since it essentially forces them to approach the conversation with more composure.
This phrase is an effective way for brilliant people to honor their needs while sharing how they see things. Explaining their perspective can bring oxygen into a high-pressure interaction, which allows at least some of the tension to release.
8. ‘I value our relationship and I want to resolve this issue’
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Brilliant people say the phrase “I value our relationship and I want to resolve this issue” to put an angry person in their place. This phrase emphasizes the positive rather than focusing on the negative, which injects necessary compassion into a potentially combative situation.
When brilliant people share how much they care about the angry person, they shift the point of the interaction from expressing aggression to finding a peaceful solution. Saying this phrase puts a stop to any further escalation and reframes the conversation in a more productive light.
Brilliant people believe that all feelings are valid, even the uncomfortable ones. They’re also deeply aware that unmitigated anger can erode even the strongest relationship, which is why they focus on seeking a way out of anger, as opposed to making a home there.
9. ‘I understand you’re upset and I’m here to listen’
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Another phrase truly brilliant people say to put an angry person in their place is, “I understand you’re upset and I’m here to listen.” Being involved in an emotionally heightened situation is challenging for each person on either side of the conflict. While defensiveness is a normal human reaction to being in conflict, it’s not particularly productive, as it raises the stakes of the conversation and invalidates what the angry person is feeling.
Psychologist Guy Winch revealed the importance of emotional validation, especially during an argument, stating that even though validation is a stepping stone for connection and conflict resolution, it can feel scary to offer.
“When someone is upset or angry with us, we fear that telling them we understand why they're upset or angry would be like pouring oil on a fire and that it will only 'validate' that they should feel that way — thus make them even angrier or more upset,” he explained.
Winch outlined a step-by-step approach for emotional validation, with the first step being to “Invite them to tell you their perspective of what happened and how they felt about it.”
“Listen with empathy and compassion,” he advised. “Your task is to get their perspective so you can convey it back to them (remember, conveying you get how they feel does not mean you agree you're to blame).”
After listening to the angry person’s explanation, the other person should reflect what they’ve said back to them, using their own words, and ask questions for clarification. These strategies show that they’re actively listening and doing their best to understand the full scope of the situation.
“Once you're done, they should be able to confirm you understand how they felt and they should look relieved… because feeling seen and understood is immensely cathartic,” Winch concluded.
When truly brilliant people say this phrase to an angry person, it encapsulates emotional validation in just two words: “I understand.”
10. ‘I know this is hard, but we’re on the same side’
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A phrase truly brilliant people say to put an angry person in their place is “I know this is hard, but we’re on the same side.” This phrase indicates a willingness to be present and problem-solve. By saying this, truly brilliant people affirm how difficult it is to feel big feelings while establishing a sense of connection with the angry person.
This phrase provides the angry person with the sense that they have people on their team and they don’t have to face their struggles alone. When someone is emotionally dysregulated, it can be especially hard to believe they’re loved and supported by the people around them. By saying this phrase, truly brilliant people affirm that the angry person is worthy of love, no matter what.
Saying “I know this is hard but we’re on the same side” is an attempt at deescalation and emotional co-regulation.
A research review published in the journal “Frontiers in Psychology” defined emotional regulation as “the ability to monitor, evaluate, and modify emotions to attain a goal.”
“The ability to regulate emotions effectively… is central to various aspects of psychosocial functioning, including achieving specific outcomes, maintaining social relationships, and enhancing wellbeing,” the study explained.
For an angry person, knowing that someone else will stand alongside them and accept their emotions makes a huge difference in navigating their emotions.
11. ‘How can we work through this together?’
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A phrase truly brilliant people say to put an angry person in their place is “How can we work through this together?” When they ask this question from a place of genuine compassion and curiosity, it shows how much they want to help the angry person feel better.
This phrase offers the angry person agency, in that it asks them to come up with ideas that will work for them. Saying this phrase shines light on how to move forward, so that the angry person doesn’t have to stay stuck in the mire of rage.
Truly brilliant people focus on finding a resolution that works for everyone. They’re willing to show up, stay present, and hold onto a shared hope for a more peaceful and emotionally expansive future.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.