8 Phrases That Seem Kind But Are Actually Filled With Judgment
There are a few common phrases people use when they're secretly judging you.
Josep Suria / Shutterstock Have you ever talked to someone that made you second-guess yourself? You're pretty sure they said something rude and judgmental, but you can't quite put your finger on it.
Understandably, these passive-aggressive phrases are mind-boggling. And if you're like most people, your instant reaction might be to confront the situation head-on. But before you get all worked up, there are certain phrases people use that aren't as nice as you think.
Here are 8 phrases that seem kind but are actually filled with judgment
1. 'You look so tired'
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People with dark circles under their eyes have likely heard this phrase one too many times. And though it might seem genuine at first, commenting on someone's appearance is never okay. Especially if it's backhanded. Not only is it rude, but it's unhelpful.
According to one study that looked at appearance-related comments, negative comments from participants led to eating disturbances and high body dissatisfaction. So, the next time someone says this phrase, don't be afraid to call them out. 'Small comments' like these can have a bigger impact than you'd think.
2. 'It's just a phase'
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Growing up, you may have heard family or friends tell you something was just a phase. On the outside, this might not seem like such a big deal. However, when you're passionate or sure about something, small phrases like this can feel like a punch to the gut.
After all, having your identity or passions undermined is never a good feeling. Moreover, this comment comes off as extremely rude and judgy. The person saying this really means, "This interest of yours won't last for long because it's both unimportant and ridiculous."
3. 'I could never wear that, but it looks good on you'
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How many times have you heard someone tell you, "Oh, I could never wear that, but it looks good on you"? Phrases like this can easily make someone feel poorly about themselves, rather than saying something like, "That looks nice," or choosing not to say anything at all.
One study determined that there were correlations "between both frequency and effect dimensions of commentary and measures of body image disturbance and self-esteem." This means that people's comments can negatively impact how someone views themselves.
4. 'Are you really going to eat all that?'
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Let's say you're at a family barbecue when you go to grab another plate of food. But before you can, you hear someone say, "Are you really going to eat all that?" If you've ever heard this phrase before, you understand how infuriating it is. But commenting on someone's eating patterns to shame them is much worse than just being judgmental.
According to licensed therapist Meredith Nisbet, "Body comments and diet talk can mirror the disordered or negative thoughts we have about ourselves, and can provide a sense of confirmation that others are watching or judging our bodies or food choices."
This is dangerous for people who already struggle with body image issues, as it can make them feel a lot worse about themselves and possibly worsen their disordered eating.
5. 'If you like it, I love it'
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"If you like it, I love it" is a judgmental comment, even though it at first may seem like a compliment or nice phrase. It really just shows that the person saying it hates the choices you've made.
Perhaps the person saying it didn't want to come off as rude or unreasonable, but it has the opposite effect. And, arguably, it can make the situation worse.
The next time you hear someone utter this phrase, ask them what they mean by it. Clarification and clear communication are key to helping avoid misunderstandings and confusion.
6. 'No offense but...'
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After uttering these three words, people usually follow it up with something positive or good. But for the person on the receiving end of the comment, they know the comment will be filled with judgment and disrespect. Saying, "no offense" doesn't make it any less offensive.
When someone says this to you, tell them the truth. Tell them that you find their comment to be judgmental and rude. Tell them how unhelpful and hurtful it is, so they avoid saying something this distasteful again.
7. 'I was just joking, calm down'
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Most people know how to take a joke and enjoy having a good laugh from time to time. But some things just aren't funny, especially if the intent behind the comment was to make that person feel badly about themselves.
The truth is that the person saying this is using it as a defense mechanism to avoid blame. So if you ever experience someone telling you this, let them know what you think. Nine times out of 10, the person knows their "joke" wasn't funny.
8. 'Bless your heart'
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Anyone who lives in the South knows that "Bless your heart" seems kind, but is actually extremely judgmental. According to influencer Landon Bryant, it really means a few things, including, "You're an idiot" or "You don't know what you're doing," among other variations.
This phrase is really just an insult disguised as a caring comment. If someone ever says this to you, know that although they may be expressing sympathy, they are likely just being condescending.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.