5 Phrases Polite People Use That Are Actually Super Passive-Aggressive
Passive-aggressive people keep you guessing so they stay in control.
Pelageia Zelenina | Canva You may not realize how the sneaky anger of passive-aggressive behavior is pushing you over the edge. You think everything is fine, then, with one sentence, everything turns upside down. It catches you by surprise.
It initially escapes notice due to the little looks, off-hand comments, rolling eyes, and a feeling of “What do I say to that?” Passive-aggressive people want to keep you guessing so they are in control. You don’t know whether to speak up, let it lie, be angry, or go along with the supposed joke while you inwardly seethe.
Here are phrases polite people use that are super passive-aggressive:
1. 'Sure, I’ll do that'
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Sounds like a great answer, right? The problem is, after saying it, nothing gets done. And, when you ask why, they say you had no right to ask for it to be done in the first place. Or, the far too habitual response, “I forgot.” (Infuriating, right?)
2. 'You ask too much'
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The person agrees to do something you’ve asked but only puts in a minimal, token effort. They knew exactly what you wanted, but gave you the barest minimum just to be able to say it got done. It’s a kind of Catch-22. Drives you up the wall, right?
A 2019 study of passive-aggressive (PA) behavior in the workplace exposed three themes: "First, a majority of the participants claimed that PA behavior is present in their organizations and there is a tendency to spread throughout the organization. Second, most participants viewed PA behavior as being tolerated in their organizations. Third, most interviewees claimed that PA behavior has negative effects on the organization."
3. 'I know you’ve done what you could with what you had to work with'
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Ouch! The ultimate back-handed, undermining comment is served up and could be taken in several ways. You’re sure they meant to say “For your lack of skills, insights, and background, I couldn’t have expected anything more from you, you worm,” however, they hedge the bet. You’re banned if you do, banned if you don’t respond.
If you respond with incredulity: “Are you saying I don’t know what I’m doing?” you’ll be met with “I never said anything of the sort. Are you insecure about your abilities?” Wham!
If you respond with “Yes, there was very little background and few facts to work with,” you hear: “Well, I was counting on you to take it and run with it, and that didn’t happen, did it?”
4. 'Oh, I thought you were in the loop'
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Fraught with potential minefields! If you ask for further information, you demonstrate you’re not “In the loop” and affirm you are not part of the inside group or have been purposefully left out. Passive-aggressive people want to rip off your arm and hit you with the wet end while making it your fault. Does that sound familiar? That’s what’s happening here.
According to a 2007 study of PA behavior and leadership styles in organizations, three main factors appeared: "First, a majority of the participants viewed PA behaviors in organizations as a combination of exogenous and endogenous factors. Second, most interviewees agreed that specific types of change in organizations contribute to PA behaviors. Third, most participants viewed the autocratic leadership style as a predictor of PA behaviors."
The best thing is to ignore the remark. It’s a no-win situation best left at the moment.
5. 'I was only joking'
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You don’t know what to believe. You feel hurt. Yet they have just dismissed the possibility that you were meant to get that message. If you take it as a joke, you accept the put-down, and they get away with it. The ultimate “gotcha!”This is usually what you hear after a sarcastic remark has been tossed your way.
Again, this is sneaky anger. It is often used by passive-aggressive people when they are in a group. They feel insulted by the group, betting you will not display their possible insecurities or healthy anger by speaking up. If these are sounding all too familiar, know you’ve been rightly picking up the underlying negative intent.
A study of interpersonal conflict and sarcasm in the workplace found a "predisposition to conflict in a work environment in which personality traits responsible for increased sarcasm and increased anger in response to sarcasm are identified. Angry reactions were gauged about sarcasm directed at job performance, personal life, behavior, and appearance." So, getting angry at those sarcastic comments is normal, but the sarcasm should not be.
It’s common to want to give people the benefit of the doubt, though. Good idea in most cases. However, if it is a pattern that you experience with that same person repeatedly, start thinking in terms of passive-aggressive behavior.
Now you know what it is that is driving you nuts. Now, you can take steps to change your part in the interactions with this person. Learn new strategies to respond in assertive, healthy ways.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, has spent the past 30 years helping couples navigate challenging relationships.
