11 Phrases Nice People Use To Politely Say No To Things They Don’t Want To Do
Saying no doesn't have to be a bad thing.
BearFotos / Shutterstock We often get asked to do things we don’t want to do, in both our personal and professional lives, yet knowing how to say no in a delicate way can be difficult. The phrases nice people use to politely say no to things they don’t want to do are clear examples of how to turn down offers and manage expectations without causing harm.
Saying no gets framed as a negative form of communication, although there’s nothing inherently wrong with it, as long as you say no with grace and compassion. It might feel uncomfortable to put into practice, but the more you say no, the more you realize that doing so allows you to stay true to yourself and meet your own needs.
Here are 11 phrases nice people use to politely say no to things they don’t want to do
1. ‘Unfortunately, it’s not a good time for me’
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A phrase nice people use to politely say no to things they don’t want to do is “Unfortunately it’s not a good time for me.” This phrase is firm in a way that doesn't compromise kindness.
As much as we’re told to “be nice” and extend ourselves to others, we don’t actually owe people our time, energy, or labor, even when they directly ask for it.
By saying “this isn’t a good time for me,” nice people emphasize that their “no” has nothing to do with the person asking, and everything to do with their own schedule and commitments.
The phrase doesn’t over-explain why the timing isn’t good, it just states as fact that it’s not. It also provides a layer of protection to both the person asking and the person refusing, in that it’s about the timing of the ask, and not the ask itself, so no one’s feelings are hurt.
2. ‘I appreciate the thought, but I won’t be able to make it’
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Another phrase nice people use to politely say no to things they don’t want to do is “I appreciate the thought, but I won’t be able to make it.”
This is a gentle, gracious way to get out of an invitation and it shows you were raised with good manners.
A research paper titled “Politeness Strategies in Requests and Refusals” noted that the way people speak to each other is “ruled by universal principles of politeness,” one of which is to show an awareness of other people’s wants. This phrase does exactly that.
By starting off with an expression of appreciation, the person saying the phrase makes it clear that they’re grateful for the offer, even though they’re ultimately saying no.
3. ‘I can’t commit to anything new right now’
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“I can’t commit to anything new right now” is a phrase nice people to politely say no to things they don’t want to do. It exemplifies how to set boundaries without being harsh or dismissive.
Psychotherapist Merle Yost revealed that a key part of setting boundaries is knowing yourself on a deeper level.
“Being introspective means that you are aware of who and how you are,” he shared.” We are constantly changing, so staying attuned to our growth is necessary.”
He also noted that it’s essential to “know what is you and what is not you” when it comes to establishing healthy boundaries.
“We do this at work all the time,” he explained. “This is my responsibility, and that is not. It also applies to feelings, energy, and thoughts. If you don’t know whose feelings, energy, or thoughts you are experiencing, then you can’t sort out what you want or need to do. Again, introspection is a vital part of this, but more importantly, it is an understanding of how feelings, thoughts, and energy are transmitted from one person to another.”
When nice people say “I can’t commit to anything new right now,” they’re setting a clearly defined energetic boundary, one that protects their inner peace while saying “no” politely. Boundaries are part of practicing self-care, which is crucial for people’s sense of balance and well-being.
4. ‘Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not available’
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A phrase nice people use to politely say “no” to things they don’t want to do is, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not available.” This phrase is a classic exemplary statement of declining an invitation without being rude.
Oftentimes, the difference between being polite and having bad manners comes down to tone of voice, word choice, or a simple turn of phrase.
A paper published in the journal “Theory and Practice in Language Studies” shared information on the linguistics of communicating in a polite way. The author referenced a general conversational principle put forward by linguist and philosopher Paul Grice, called “the cooperative principle,” noting that a different linguist, Geoffery Leech, built out the cooperative principle by establishing “the principle of discourse politeness."
The principle of discourse politeness is based on six maxims of politeness, which include tact maxim, generosity maxim, approbatory modesty maxim, modesty maxim, agreement maxim and sympathy maxim. These elements of conversation create guidelines for considerate communication, based on displays of mutual respect.
The generosity maxim involves “minimizing the speaker’s own benefits to achieve politeness,” while the agreement maxim “intends to narrow the differences between the hearers and the speaker.” Sympathy maxim “connotes the reduction of antipathy to each other.”
The sympathy maxim is represented by the phrase “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’m not available,” as it conveys appreciation while saying “no” in a way that’s not antagonistic. When nice people are presented with things they don’t want to do, they say “no” politely, which decreases any implication of alienation and preserves their relationship with the other person.
5. ‘I’ll have to pass this time around’
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A phrase nice people use to politely say “no” to things they don’t want to do is “I’ll have to pass this time around.” This phrase is a shining example of how nice people assert themselves in a direct yet courteous way.
Ahona Guha, a clinical and forensic psychologist, shared that saying “yes” to things comes with some type of opportunity cost, whether it’s a financial, energetic, or timing cost. Committing to plans with other people inevitably means putting emotional energy into the interaction and often involves spending money, as well. Social commitments cut into people’s limited free time, which means they have to put a fair amount of consideration into how they want to spend that time.
Guha noted that saying “no” can be a struggle for various reasons, including external pressures and expectations from family and friends. People often have a hard time saying “no” because they’re concerned with how that “no” will be received by others.
“A good boundary to hold is knowing that we cannot control someone’s reaction to something — the only control we have is in carefully assessing a no, and in offering it respectfully and politely,” Guha explained. “Allowing other people to experience and process their feelings without making it your responsibility is a key competency when thinking of saying no to something.”
Guha outlined questions people can ask themselves when they’re asked to do something that can help them decide if they’re agreeing because they truly want to participate, or whether they’re anxious about the social repercussions of saying “no.”
She advised asking, “Do I want to do this? Do I have the time, energy and money for this at the moment? Will this add value to my life? Am I saying ‘yes’ only because I am scared of saying ‘no’?”
Nice people who say “no” politely take their own needs into consideration before making any commitments. They practice self-reflection, which provides a level of self-awareness that paves the way for only doing the things they feel emotionally and practically capable of doing.
6. ‘I’d love to help, but my plate is full’
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Nice people use the phrase, “I’d love to help, but my plate is full” to say no to things they don’t want to do. Saying “yes” when you’re already overcommitted is a common practice, but it creates a precedent of putting your own needs behind everyone else’s, which is ultimately an unhealthy and imbalanced way to live.
Certified leadership coach Patricia Bonnard touched on the dangers of being a people-pleaser, noting that “The biggest problem with being a people pleaser is that people pleasers say ‘yes’ even when they want to say ‘no.’”
“They'll say ‘yes,’ even when a ‘no’ could prevent them from doing something that's not in their best interest. It could be something unpleasant or even hurtful,” she explained.
She shared that people-pleasing has a direct impact on the people-pleaser’s mental health and sense of self-worth. The negative repercussions of being a people-pleaser include self-doubt, a fear of rejection, and the feeling of never being good enough. Having people-pleasing tendencies can also cause resentment, a loss of identity, and the inability to be authentic and form true connections with others.
Knowing how to honor your own needs, first and foremost, allows you to live the life you want. Saying ‘no’ isn’t a judgment on someone’s character, it just means they have a busy schedule. By separating saying ‘no’ from any moral implications, people can be true to themselves without fear.
7. ‘I don’t think I’m the right person for this’
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Another phrase nice people use to politely say ‘no’ to things they don’t want to do is “I don’t think I’m the right person for this.” This phrase works well in professional settings, along with situations when someone requests support that you’re unable to provide.
Maybe the other parents at your kid’s school asked you to make five dozen cookies from scratch for the annual bake sale, but you’re more of a Pillsbury “Ready To Bake” kind of parent. Maybe a coworker asked you to head up a project on a subject you have no experience in, or your sister-in-law wants you to be a bridesmaid in her expensive European destination wedding.
Saying “I don’t think I’m the right person for this” is a way to manage other people’s expectations while staying true to yourself. It’s not rooted in a place of insecurity or any kind of imposter syndrome. Rather, it shows that you know yourself well enough to know both your strengths and the things you’re not willing or able to do.
8. ‘Thanks for reaching out, but I’m not in a position to help’
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A phrase nice people use to politely say ‘no’ to things they don’t want to do is “Thanks for reaching out, but I’m not in a position to help.” This phrase expresses gratitude toward the other person for being in touch, while making it explicitly clear that whatever they’re asking for isn’t tenable at this moment.
Matt Abrahams, a lecturer in organizational behavior at Stanford Business School, spoke with Vanessa Patrick, a marketing professor and author of the book “The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How to Say No that Puts You in Charge of Your Life.”
“It is, I believe, very, very important for all of us to say no to the things that get in the way of us living our best possible life,” Patrick said. “I think it is important for us to recognize the tradeoffs that we have to make every time we make a decision. When we say yes to something, we are saying no to something else.”
She introduced the concept of “empowered refusal,” saying, “I coined this term of empowered refusal to describe a way of saying no that stems from your identity and gives voice to your values, priorities, preferences, and beliefs.”
“When we say an empowered no, our no is about us, not a rejection of the other person,” Patrick explained. She described a methodology for saying no, which she called the “ART Framework.”
“ART stands for Awareness, Rules about decisions, and Totality of [self],” she said, sharing her view that deepened self-awareness is the first competency people need to become more effective in saying no.
“To invest in self-awareness helps us [sift] between the good-for-me activities and the not-good-for-me activities and helps us decide what to say yes to and what to say no to,” she said.
“So once we have the self-knowledge and can identify what we care about, what we believe in, what we stand for, it helps us to make simple rules that guide our actions and decisions,” Patrick continued.
“I think the beauty of empowered refusal is that, because it is based on your identity, it’s easier to withstand that external pressure and stay steadfast and strong,” she concluded.
When you know yourself deeply, you’re able to live in a life that’s in alignment with your core values, which means that saying ‘no’ doesn’t feel so difficult.
9. ‘I have to say no, but I hope it works out well for you’
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Another phrase nice people use to politely say ‘no’ to things they don’t want to do is “I have to say no, but I hope it works out well for you.” This phrase encapsulates good social graces and an acknowledgement of the speaker’s limitations. It starts with a direct “no” and ends with well wishes, showing that even though the person speaking can’t oblige the person asking, they still want the best for them.
Susan Newman, a social psychologist and the author of “The Book of No: 250 Ways To Say It — And Mean It — And Stop People-Pleasing Forever,” touched on the underlying social and cultural attitudes that make it so hard to say ‘no.’
"As young children and teens, we have had ‘no' drummed out of us," she explained. "We're taught to do what our parents say and what authority figures tell us."
Newman revealed the conflict that arises when someone says ‘yes’ when they don’t have the capacity for taking on more tasks, noting, “They simply can't say no to people and just pile more and more responsibility on themselves.”
Saying “yes” runs counter to what they really need, so they end up overcommitted and burnt out.
Newman shared that saying ‘no’ often feels worse in our imaginations than it does in real life. Most people understand that the “no” isn’t a reflection on their ask or their worthiness, but rather, how busy the other person is.
When it comes to turning someone down, “The fallout's never as bad as you think it's going to be,” Newman concluded.
10. ‘I’m unable to give this the attention it deserves’
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“I’m unable to give this the attention it deserves” is a phrase nice people use to politely say “no” to things they don’t want to do. When someone says this phrase, it shows that they recognize their own limitations and don’t want to overextend themselves or put themselves in a position where they’re unable to succeed.
Relationship therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab discussed the importance of setting boundaries in the workplace as a way to get your professional needs met and gain the peace of mind you need to be the most productive version of yourself.
“It can be really hard to tell someone what you need,” she said. “It takes a lot of courage to stand up and say, ‘This is how I want to be treated.’”
She described boundaries as “the expectations and needs that help us feel safe and comfortable in relationships.”
“Work is the relationship we spend the most time in, and yet it’s also the place where we have the hardest time setting limits,” Tawwab said. “Setting them can help you feel happier and more fulfilled in your roles, not to mention less exhausted and overwhelmed at work.”
She countered the idea that setting boundaries is impolite, noting that “Communicating what works for us is one of the kindest things we can do.”
Saying the phrase “I’m unable to give this the attention it deserves” might seem scary, but ultimately, it’s a display of kindness, both to yourself and to the person asking you to do something.
11. ‘I need to focus on other responsibilities at the moment’
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“I need to focus on other responsibilities at the moment” is a phrase nice people use to politely say ‘no’ to things they don’t want to do. When someone says this phrase, it shows that they’re centering themselves in their day-to-day existence, instead of pushing aside the tasks they need to complete for the sake of someone else’s requests on their time.
We all have specific responsibilities to attend to that keep our lives moving smoothly. Parents need to do daycare drop-off and pick-up. They need to coordinate pediatrician appointments and playdates in between making dinner and doing the bath and bedtime routine that somehow lasts for at least three hours and five more books than they agreed to read initially.
Homeowners need to make sure their mortgage is paid and their insurance is up to date. They need to fix the leaky faucet and replace the doorknob that no longer turns, along with mowing the lawn, cleaning the oven and somehow get those mystery stains out of the living room rug.
Anyone with a job has to answer emails, attend meetings, and get their work done in between. Managing your time and prioritizing certain tasks over others are key aspects of being an adult. Having routines provides the structure people need to cross at least some items off their to-do lists. Having the presence of mind to say that their attention needs to go to their own obligations sets people up to manage their lives in a way that feels true to them.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.