5 Phrases Narcissists Use Right Before They Betray You, According To An Expert
Knowing these red flags can help you avoid succumbing to their manipulations.
Srdjan Randjelovic | Shutterstock | Canva Pro One of the core features of all forms of narcissism is manipulation. Most narcissists are so good at it that their loved ones often don't even understand it's happening.
These manipulations are so subtle and so pre-meditated that they can be next to impossible to recognize. So a trauma specialist made a list of red-flag phrases narcissists tend to use as subtle tip-offs that they are planning something hurtful.
The expert revealed 5 phrases narcissists use right before they betray you.
Danish Bashir is a certified clinical trauma specialist who also focuses on narcissistic abuse recovery. He said that the betrayal that is intrinsic to a relationship with a narcissistic abuser doesn't come from out of nowhere. There are usually plenty of signals along the way.
"Narcissists do not just wake up one day and then betray you," he explained in a recent video. "They prepare for it long before you even realize what's happening." He went on to say that narcissists' betrayals are often planned out in calculated ways, or even rehearsed — but they are "disguised under seemingly harmless phrases" that ensure they catch you off-guard.
Danish laid out five common phrases narcissists use that could be indicators that there is a change-up or a breach of trust in the offing. Knowing these red flags can make all the difference in keeping a clear head about the problematic or dangerous dynamics in these kinds of relationships.
1. 'I just don't feel like myself lately.'
"Translation: I need an excuse for what I am about to do," Danish said. Casting themselves as the victim is inherent to the narcissistic dynamic.
Danish said that phrases like "I just don't feel like myself lately" are a way of laying the groundwork that something is going wrong for them, so they can use it as justification for whatever they have planned. It also provides a basis on which to turn things around on you — it's the old "you know I'm struggling, why are you making this harder on me" thing. It's a classic narcissistic manipulation tactic that tries to paint YOU as the abuser and them as the hapless victim.
2. Not everyone sees you the way I do.'
"Translation: I have already started turning people against you," Danish explained. This is part of another favorite tactic of narcissists — isolation. They attempt to create a situation in which you have no one to turn to except them — or at least to make you feel as if that's true.
One of the key ways they do so is by sowing doubt and suspicion in their partner's mind about their other friends and family, often resulting in direct conflict between the victim and their loved ones that helps isolate them further.
3. 'I hate drama.'
This is the opposite of the truth — narcissists thrive on drama and do all they can to make sure they are surrounded by it. Similar to number one, this phrase is another way to lay the groundwork to cast themselves as the innocent victim and villainize you once the inevitable drama or blow-up ensues.
Or as Danish put it, "Translation: I'm about to create chaos and blame all of it on you." Everything with narcissists is about turning the tables and painting you as the aggressor, and this is a perfect way to make that case.
4. 'I just want you to be happy.'
Once again, they're positioning themselves as the hapless victim or the misunderstood "good guy," claiming to have your best interests at heart even as they behave in ways that hurt or even endanger you.
Danish said that narcissists will employ this phrase especially when they are about to abandon you or replace you with someone else. He explained that the true meaning of this phrase is, "I'm getting ready to discard you." They've gotten what they wanted and are ready to move on to the next victim, so they will do you the "favor" of cutting you off.
5. 'If I wanted to hurt you, I would have done it already.'
One of the narcissists' go-to tools is gaslighting, and this is a perfect example — it both denies your past experiences and insists your present suspicions about your partner are delusional, all in one fell swoop. Danish said that the real, hidden meaning of the phrase is, "I have already hurt you, I'm just making sure you do not notice it yet."
Narcissism is a complicated beast, but the abuse that ensues is dependent upon manipulation tactics that ensure you stay disoriented and keep you second-guessing your own judgment. Learning red flags like these phrases can help you notice narcissistic tendencies and patterns before things get out of hand or the relationship goes too deep.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.