3 Phrases That Can Help You Get Over A Bad Childhood, According To A Stanford Neuroscientist
Dr. James Doty shares his most powerful tools for overcoming whatever it is that holds us back.
ArisLeoven via Shutterstock | Getty Everyone has a past, but some people's experiences run deeper than others. And if you grew up in a toxic household, you might be carrying around old hurt or unresolved trauma that impact you to this day. Getting over this trauma isn't easy, but it is possible.
James Doty, MD, a Stanford professor, neurosurgeon and author of the best-selling Into The Magic Shop and his new book, Mind Magic, shared a few recommendations for how on the Open Relationships: Transforming Together podcast with Andrea Miller. Fortunately, they are simple phrases to say to yourself daily.
The Three Phrases That Can Help You Get Over A Bad Childhood
1. "I am worthy."
When we're stuck in the past, it tends to come with a lot of guilt and shame, as if we were not worthy to survive whatever struggles we faced. The National Library of Medicine writes, "Guilt and Shame are two self-related emotions that often emerge following traumatic events and may contribute to the clinical profile of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)."
So, when these intense emotions hit, it might be hard to see yourself as worthy, and because of that shame, you might begin to feel as if you even deserved it. But, it's important to take a deep breath and pause for a second. Then, repeat the affirmation, "I am worthy."
Now, it might not feel this way at first, but repeating this simple phrase will help ground you when you find your thoughts running wild.
2. "I deserve love."
We all deserve to be loved. But, if you had a bad upbringing this might not feel possible. Likely, you struggle a lot with getting yourself to open up, however, that's because you're hypervigilant.
Co-host Joanna Schroeder says, "What you're describing, and I'm recognizing in myself, also feels like the result of growing up chaos and with trauma. Always looking around, always trying to have a distraction, always picking up the phone." It's a way to avoid connection out of fear of rejection.
Doty agrees and suggests incorporating a body survey exercise to get the muscles in your body to relax. Then afterward you can try repeating the affirmation, "I deserve love."
3. "It is possible."
They say that anything is possible if you just believe. But, when you're stuck in negativity this 'dream' might seem too far-fetched.
After all, if the people around you don't believe in you, then why should you believe in yourself? It's just being 'realistic', right?
However, what you describe as truthful is really just a trauma response. Doty explains, "And, oftentimes people think that dialog is truth, is them. But what it is, is something we call negativity bias. Because to survive, we had to pay attention to negative things. And unfortunately, for many of us, that translates into being very hypercritical of ourselves."
And being hyper-critical of ourselves is damaging, to say the least. Research has continuously shown that self-criticism leads to various mental health disorders.
So, to avoid this, be sure to repeat the phrase, "It is possible," multiple times a day.
4. "I can."
Too many of us live in an old pattern of believing our dreams or goals are unrealistic. Part of the reason is that we are so isolated, and it's challenging to have great success in isolation. compared to how society was generations ago, this lone-wolf lifestyle is a dramatic shift.
Doty explains, "We lived in multi-generational families. We had a community or a village that cared for us. And the thing is, they knew the good and the bad about us. But regardless, they still loved us. We did not have a variety of media (or other things that in our environment), that would beat us up and say, you didn't do this, you didn't accomplish that. You're not worthy, you're not good."
He continues, "The community loved you." They made you feel that you could do anything you set your mind to. You didn't have to do it all alone.
Unfortunately, things have changed since then. People feel less motivated, less engaged, and more alone.
Which is why it's important to remind yourself that you're fully capable of achieving whatever it is you set your mind to — and that you can do it, even if it's hard.
In addition, if you can build a community around yourself, you will find immense support and confidence — as long as you're willing to believe you deserve it!
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.