10 Phrases Brilliant People Use When They're Not Listening But Pretending To Care
Their lack of empathy may not be obvious at first.
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock Being a good listener is a core component of any good relationship. Sometimes, people don't want advice on how to fix a specific situation; rather, they just want someone to stay quiet and listen intently. Listening is a way to reflect how much you care about other people. It shows respect and enhances trust.
Yet not all relationships are created equally, which means you don't always have to give the same amount of attention to every conversation. The phrases brilliant people use when they're not listening but pretending to care may not be obvious at first, but they sure to seem more genuine and empathic than they actually are.
Here are 10 phrases brilliant people use when they're not listening but pretending to care
1. 'I see where you're coming from'
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Using the phrase "I see where you're coming from" is a way brilliant people pretend to care when they're not listening. It indicates that they understand, even though they're not fully engaged. They seem attentive, but they're not actually processing what's being said.
As career and life management consultant Ruth Schimel pointed out, "Listening is a powerful skill that benefits from your self-awareness and practice." She further explained, "Showing the person you're talking with that you're actively engaged in the conversation starts with a practice called attending behavior."
Attending behavior shows that you're actually connecting to your conversation partner with encouraging statements, open body language, and paraphrasing what's being said before offering a response. "Make sure your responses closely relate to what the other person is saying," Schimel advised. "This shows that you are willing to stay on the speaker's path and are truly listening."
2. 'It sounds like there's a lot on your plate'
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The phrases brilliant people use when they're not listening but pretending to care are neutral and non-commital. When they want it to seem like they're paying attention to someone who's venting, they say "It sounds like there's a lot on your plate."
The phrase is an example of fake listening, which occurs when people pretend to be engaged by offering generic responses. According to Kyle D. Killian PhD, LMFT, "Fake listening is a contradiction where we gesture to a presence during a profound absence." In contrast, "authentic listening is attending to the thoughts and emotions laying just below the words."
"It sounds like there's a lot on your plate" is a statement that's vague enough to sound compassionate, even though they're not putting much emotional energy toward listening.
3. 'That's one way to look at it'
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Brilliant people use the phrase "That's one way to look at it" when they're not listening but are pretending to care about the person speaking. They don't want to go any deeper into the conversation, but they still need to acknowledge what the other person is saying.
They use ineffective listening techniques to appear more engaged than they really are. Ineffective listening takes different forms, but at its core, it means that you're not really hearing what the other person is saying.
According to experts from Maryville University, "Selective listening is like listening with a highlighter. Instead of considering the totality of the speaker's message, selective listeners only pay attention to the parts they think are most relevant to them."
"Inattentive listeners don't give speakers their full attention," they explained. "They're often distracted and focused on other things, which can mean missing most of what the speaker is saying."
"Communication is not a one-way street," they added. "Good listeners show interest, ask open-ended questions, and acknowledge what's being said. This helps reduce misunderstandings and builds stronger relationships."
4. 'Thanks for sharing that with me'
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When brilliant people are pretending to care without actually listening, they say "Thanks for sharing that with me." The phrase hides how inattentive they are behind a mask of kindness. It's an example of false gratitude, because their underlying emotion is indifference, and not careful consideration.
Gratitude is the gift of being present and expressing appreciation for another person's presence. Yet simply saying "thank you" when someone shares what they're going through dismisses their emotions, rather than affirming them.
5. 'You're doing the best you can'
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"You're doing the best you can" is a fairly generic phrase, but it's meant to convey genuine concern. When people aren't listening but pretending to care, they want to seem like they're invested, even if they don't have the capacity.
According to professor of educational leadership and policy studies, Suzanne Rice, it's not always such a bad thing to not listen. Sometimes, not listening is a necessity.
"There isn't a recipe for good listening," she explained. "It has many, many forms, and one of those forms isn't even listening. It's pretending to listen. No one can listen all the time, to everything that is said, nor should one want to."
Using the phrase "You're doing the best you can," is a way for brilliant people to be reassured without getting overly involved in someone else's struggles.
6. 'That must have been really hard for you'
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One of the phrases brilliant people use when they're not listening but pretending to care is "That must have been really hard for you," and it comes off as more empathetic than it really is. The phrase is rooted in kindness, but it doesn't always indicate genuine empathy.
Researcher and scholar Chezare Warren described the concept of false empathy as "the failure of the empathizer to see eye-to-eye with the individual for whom they aim to empathize."
"We have to learn to decenter ourselves as we listen," Warren said. "Listening is an art. It's a discipline, but it's also an act of perspective taking. We listen so that we can ask meaningful questions, engage in discourse, exercise humility and simply be present."
Warren concluded by saying, "We cannot do empathy without perspective taking." Unfortunately, phrases like this veer away from empathy and towards insincerity.
7. 'That's totally understandable'
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Brilliant people use the phrase "That's totally understandable" when they're not listening but pretending to care. It seems like a sensitive response, but really, it's a way for them to fill the empty space in the conversation without expending too much brainpower.
The phrase functions more like a signal than anything else. Using the phrase gives brilliant people some breathing room, especially when they're confronted with difficult topics they don't really care about. It pushes the person speaking to keep going, and saves the listener from having to do any emotional deep-diving.
8. 'It makes sense to feel that way'
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The phrase "It makes sense to feel that way" is essentially surface-level validation, in that it acknowledges how the other person feels without engaging on a deeper level. According to YourTango Experts, "One of the most frustrating dynamics you can have in a relationship is the sense that your partner isn't acknowledging your feelings or taking them seriously."
Emotional validation "fosters a sense of being seen, understood, and supported, increasing relationship satisfaction, improved communication, and reduced conflict," but fake validation keeps people at a distance from each other.
9. 'You're clearly dealing with a lot right now'
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Even though brilliant people have high emotional intelligence, they don't always want to use it, so they say the phrase "You're clearly dealing with a lot right now" instead. The phrase is a bit of a barrier, something they say when they're not listening but still pretending to care.
It's a way for people to recognize what the other person is going through, without making any more emotional commitment than that. It's an acknowledgement, not an offer to help. It's supportive without going above and beyond, and it's a way for people to set boundaries and protect their inner peace.
10. 'You've been through so much'
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When brilliant people are pretending to care but not really listening, they use the phrase "You've been through so much." It's a blanket statement that makes them seem more understanding than they actually are. The phrase allows them to extend the slightest amount of emotional support in the most generic way.
They don't want to get invested in what the other person is experiencing, but they don't want to appear callous or cruel. Using this phrase helps them save face and put up an empathic front, even though they don't really care.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
