12 Phrases Brilliant People Use To Transform Difficult Conversations
These individuals can turn any difficult conversation into a productive one.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Most unlucky people have found themselves thrust into difficult conversations at some point in their lives. Whether it's a demanding boss, or an upset partner, learning how to navigate these conversations can be challenging without knowing what to say to make the situation better.
Luckily, there are phrases brilliant people use to transform difficult conversations into more productive ones. From urging the other person to take breaks to asking someone how they're feeling, these go-to phrases can help steer conversations in a better direction, regardless of the situation.
Here are 12 phrases brilliant people use to transform difficult conversations
1. 'Can you walk me through what you're thinking?'
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Most conversations are made worse through misunderstandings. According to a study published in PNAS, differences in knowledge and assumptions create conflict. As a result, this confusion is increasingly likely to lead to disagreements as both parties struggle to understand what the other person means.
Constantly feeling misunderstood when talking to another person can unconsciously make people want to avoid the conversation altogether. But to make the process easier, people can simply ask the other person to walk them through what they're thinking. It will make it much easier to understand their perspective and avoid errors.
Of course, it's not easy for people to explain what's going through their minds, but they can remedy this by being patient and allowing the other person time to open up. Doing their best to understand someone is a lot better than refusing to acknowledge where they're at.
2. 'Let's take a moment to cool off'
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In the middle of a heated discussion, some people turn a once peaceful conversation into a screaming match. Hurling insults at one another, there's not much good that can be accomplished when both people's emotions are running high. But one of the phrases brilliant people use to transform difficult conversations is "Let's take a moment to cool off."
According to the Federal Communications Commission, pausing and reflecting before speaking is increasingly likely to solve conflict, as immediate reactions are more likely to make conflict worse. So, the next time someone is raising their voice and getting highly emotional, take a moment to cool off. It will prevent things from escalating further and allow both parties to reflect on their actions.
3. 'Let's figure out a win-win situation'
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We all want to feel understood, especially during difficult conversations. It's human nature to want our needs met with compassion and fairness. Even so, when tensions rise and people get caught up in the petty details of a disagreement, a once productive conversation can quickly turn south, as they spend too much time arguing and not enough time compromising.
As a result, a phrase brilliant people use to transform difficult conversations is "Let's figure out a win-win situation." And, according to a research study from the Australian Journal of Management, compromising tends to be perceived as highly cooperative and less competitive, making coming to a resolution more probable.
While people will often feel frustrated by the outcome of compromising and won't get what they want, the goal is for both people to walk out feeling like the conclusion of that conversation was fair and effective, even if they didn't quite get all they wanted out of it.
4. 'Can you help me better understand your concerns?'
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When people experience disagreements that have left them completely frustrated, whether it's because of what was said or wasn't said, these small misunderstandings can quickly snowball into bigger issues. By asking the other person, "Can you help me better understand your concerns?" brilliant people open the door to real discussion.
The impact of feeling understood is much greater than feeling misunderstood. One study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who felt misunderstood were increasingly likely to experience more stress, lower life satisfaction, and a decrease in motivation. Feeling understood also makes people more cooperative.
The next time people find themselves in a tough predicament, they shouldn't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Though it might feel intimidating, being upfront saves time and improves the conversation.
5. 'That sounds really frustrating'
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Human connection is extremely important to people's mental health. In research published by the journal Science, people who feel more connected experience lower levels of anxiety and depression; these same individuals also experience an increase in self-esteem and have greater empathy for other people.
The findings may explain why loneliness is detrimental, as a study published in the peer-reviewed journal Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B found that loneliness can lead to depression, poor sleep quality, and cognitive decline.
Finding ways to connect with others during a difficult conversation may feel difficult, especially when other people aren't open-minded and struggle to see another person's perspective. But just because someone is struggling doesn't mean they can't validate the other person's emotions.
As hard as it may be to relate to them, people should do their best to reassure others by validating their feelings, offering empathy and compassion. It can calm tensions and provide comfort.
6. 'Tell me more about how you're feeling'
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While people want to feel heard and understood during especially difficult conversations, sometimes that desire comes second to needing to be right. In order to keep the conversation on track, brilliant people use the phrase "Tell me more about how you're feeling."
When people struggle to understand how someone feels, they completely trample on their emotions without taking a second to consider their actions. But people can avoid this by asking how someone feels. And, according to a research paper in the International Journal of Humanities Social Science and Management, self-disclosure is positively associated with relationship intimacy.
7. 'Let's take this one step at a time'
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Conversations can sometimes turn into tangents, where people bring up past mistakes or arguments. They get caught up in the finer details to notice when they're getting off-topic. Because of this, these conversations become less productive and seemingly never conclude.
But according to the American Management Association, there's a five-step model that can help people navigate conflict: define the source of conflict; find ways to look past the incident through understanding the other contributing factors; request solutions to change the situation; identify solutions that help both parties; and finally, reach an agreement and agree to honor that commitment.
It won't be simple, but redirecting the conversation back using this method allows brilliant people to transform conflict into real problem-solving.
8. 'Let's take time to understand what went wrong so we can avoid it next time'
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Feeling relieved after finishing a difficult conversation, most people never stop to think about what went wrong after an argument. But the difference between being brilliant and normal during difficult conversations boils down to self-reflection. And brilliant people often use the phrase "Let's take time to understand what went wrong so we can avoid it next time" to transform those hard conversations.
According to a 2024 study, "simple and brief exercises that encouraged people to reflect constructively on their relationship conflicts reduced their distress and increased their efficacy." Some people may struggle with self-reflection, but psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen PhD says that this is often done by asking questions.
"Ask yourself, how do you want to respond to this situation? What kind of person do you want to be in the face of adversity? Do you want to be the one marching for your beliefs? Or perhaps the person who remains calm amidst the storm? Maybe you're the listener, the quiet fighter, or the beacon of hope in the face of pain and suffering," Strauss Cohen adds.
And though these aren't easy questions to answer, she continues, "it is through these questions that we begin to understand ourselves better. We start to realize that the best time to express our values is during our most challenging moments because it is then that we show the world who we truly are."
9. 'Can you help me see what I'm missing?'
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No one is a mind-reader; they don't know what people mean to say or what they're thinking. And during difficult conversations, many people make matters worse as a result of their inability to identify the specific issue. As such, a phrase brilliant people use to transform difficult conversations into collaborative ones is "Can you help me see what I'm missing?"
It can feel intimidating to ask someone what they're thinking. Part of it has to do with the fact that as many as 49% of Americans identify as people-pleasers, according to a 2024 YouGov survey. Another aspect is related to people feeling terrified of being judged for asking questions they consider stupid.
Luckily, that fear of judgment is all in their head. One study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people often overestimate these fears due to their focus being on possible misfortunes, rather than the situation itself. This should inspire people to speak up and ask questions if they find themselves a little lost.
10. 'You're not in this alone'
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Human beings are social creatures that need social interactions to thrive. According to UCLA professor Matthew Lieberman in his book "Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect," research shows that socializing is just as important as food, water, and shelter. Additional research from the Journal of Clinical & Diagnostic Research found that loneliness can lead to disorders like depression, sleep problems, personality disorders, and Alzheimer's disease.
The point is that it's important to not isolate someone during a disagreement, as feeling misunderstood can quickly make an already tough conversation worse. People need to be reassured that they're not alone, and extending an olive branch can de-escalate the tension and make both parties feel at ease.
11. 'Tell me one thing we can fix right now'
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Difficult conversations, whether it's work-related or relational, become increasingly difficult without first discussing what can be fixed. Getting straight to the point and remedying the situation is sometimes the best way to go, depending on the conversation.
For instance, if a manager is talking to an employee about a file that wasn't updated, it's best to find solutions immediately. In the workplace, it's a waste of time to spend valuable hours discussing how they're feeling or everything else going wrong. But in a romantic relationship where there's an emotional component, saying, "Tell me one thing we can fix now" lets the other partner know their feelings are valid.
The first order of business during difficult conversations is addressing how the other person is feeling. It lets both parties explain their perspective and move on from it with more ease. The combination of caring about someone's emotions and wanting to make things right makes it much more likely that any underlying issues can be resolved without further argument.
12. 'Can you give me one minute to think?'
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When people feel pressured to answer a question right away, especially during a complicated conversation, it's overwhelming. With this way of thinking, it's easy to say the wrong thing and make the situation worse. Instead of jumping into "fixing" mode, people should take the time to do some self-reflection and really think about what they want to say.
According to social psychologist and conflict resolution consultant Jeremy Pollack, taking a moment to respond is the best way to recognize triggers and prevent them from occurring. Techniques such as counting breaths and setting a personal rule to pause for three seconds before responding, are good ways to get emotions under control and think logically.
The next time someone is in a difficult conversation, don't be afraid to use this phrase and take a few seconds or minutes to yourself. It increases the chances of turning the once-tense conversation into something more civil.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.