11 Phrases Brilliant People Use To Politely Say 'Are You Stupid?'
Insulting someone's intelligence is the best way to shut down a healthy conversation.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock It's not uncommon for people to get defensive when they feel like they've made a mistake or are being intellectually dominated by a person in conversation. It's only human nature, according to psychotherapist Sabrina Romanoff, and is a coping mechanism against unexpected fear, anxiety, insecurity, or stress.
However, there are ways to disagree, point out someone's incorrect assumptions, or even utilize some of the phrases brilliant people use to politely say "are you stupid?" without sabotaging the entire interaction or conversation. Making people feel heard and understood, even if you don't necessarily agree with their thoughts and opinions, is the key to having more productive conversations and thoughtful social interactions, so it's almost always better to opt for politeness, rather than blunt honesty or rudeness.
Here are 11 phrases brilliant people use to politely say 'are you stupid?'
1. 'I don't understand, can you tell me more about that?'
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Psychotherapist Myron Nelson argues that empathy is a two-way street. When we put ourselves in other people's shoes, give them grace, and create a safe space in conversations where they feel understood, they're more likely to do the same for us.
Even in stressful or emotional conversations, using the phrases brilliant people use to politely say "Are you stupid?" will always be better than insulting someone's intelligence, especially if you're hoping to keep the conversation moving in a productive direction.
Give them a chance to clarify any misunderstandings, explain their "nonsense," or talk through any assumptions they may have incorrectly made, especially if you'd expect others to do the same for you.
2. 'Help me understand how you came to that conclusion'
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Working together towards a common goal, issue, or resolution will always be more productive than trying to competitively work against each other. By using a phrase like this, which opens up a conversation for everyone, eliminates misunderstandings, and ensures everyone feels valued while expressing their own thoughts, you're working from the same team.
Mental health counselor Natalie Buchwald argues that using a phrase like this can also counteract defensiveness, in situations where a person may feel blamed or guilty for simply expressing their thoughts or opinions, no matter how misguided or blatantly incorrect they are.
3. 'Interesting, I've never heard anyone put it that way'
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If someone says something that doesn't make sense, it might be obvious to you, but that doesn't mean it's not coming from a sincere place in the person speaking. Intelligence is embodied in a number of unique ways, and attacking someone with a phrase like "Are you stupid?" isn't doing anyone any favors, only shutting down a conversation.
Use a phrase like this subtly acknowledges the person's opinion or thought, while simultaneously urging them to explain or add more context. Don't underestimate the power of a follow-up question as well, as it's not just a face of a great listener, but a pillar of productive, healthy conversations.
4. 'I understand what you're saying, but that facts say otherwise'
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There's two important facets to this phrase that brilliant people used to politely say "Are you stupid?" The first: you're acknowledging that you hear and understand what the person you're speaking with is saying. The second: the more literal half, pointing out where there's logical room for improvement without simply saying "you're wrong."
It's easier to move forward in a conversation, especially with a shared goal or issue to resolve, when you're able to point out a misunderstanding or inconsistency without the other person getting defensive or offended. But the only way to get there is by making them feel valued, even for sharing opinions and thoughts that aren't 100% fleshed out or informed.
5. 'Walk me through your thought process'
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Whether you're a parent teaching your child a lesson, a great leader trying to resolve an issue on their team, or a partner resolving conflict with their spouse, there are a million different situations where a phrase like this can be better and more productive than "Are you stupid?"
Give people a chance to clear up misunderstandings and speak their mind without fear of judgment or criticism in conversations. When you're operating from a state of fight-or-flight in social interactions, afraid of what other people think or saying the wrong thing, that's incredibly isolating and lonely.
6. 'Let's talk through some other options, I think there could be a better way'
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Feeling connected and valued in life is something most humans are constantly yearning for, according to a study published in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine. But we often overlook or sabotage the fleeting conversations that open up an opportunity for us to harness those emotions.
Even if you're talking to a co-worker or a stranger in a coffee shop, you have the power to make someone feel valued and heard in a profound way. Using a phrase like this when someone slips up, makes a mistake, or says the wrong thing — rather than "you're wrong" — gives you the chance to have empowering conversations.
"I see where you're coming from, but let's talk about some other options" seems like a simple response, but it's powerful. You're opening up the door to a more thoughtful conversation, where even someone who isn't necessarily "intelligent" by societal standards has the ability to speak their mind and feel heard.
7. 'With all due respect, I disagree'
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It's okay to disagree; in fact, most productive conversations working towards conflict resolution or using critical thinking skills usually have a few people with differing opinions.
However, addressing and moving forward from a disagreement in a healthy way starts with phrases like this, making the other person still feel heard and respected, despite having different opinions and thoughts.
Whether you're a teacher, a leader, or a person's spouse, it's essential to harness empathy and mutual respect in conversations, like experts from a 2023 study suggest, to engage in the most effective communication strategies.
You can disagree, but make sure you're phrasing it in a way that still feels respectful, like you're on the same page finding the right answer, rather than calling them out or demonizing them for suggesting the wrong one.
8. 'I see where you're coming from, but…'
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According to a 2007 study on communication, active listening is a difficult yet fundamental and essential part of healthy conversations — whether you're at work, with family, or navigating an argument with a romantic partner.
Especially when there's stress or intense emotions involved, committing to active listening — like using nonverbal cues, open body language, eye contact, and thoughtful questions — can be even harder, but phrases like this can embody its same effectiveness.
It's all about recall. Phrases like "Yes, I heard what you said and here's what I think..." or "Here's something I noticed about what you said, here's where we disagree" remind them that you're listening by recalling something they said, so that they feel heard before you get into the "but's."
9. 'I see it differently'
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You're allowed to have different opinions and beliefs from the people around you, but the key to maintaining healthy relationships and having productive conversations with these people is how you make space for their thoughts alongside your own.
Nobody's intellect, curiosities, or belief system makes them more worthy of space in a conversation than another, so it's important to open up conversations where everyone feels comfortable both listening and sharing their unique thoughts.
Many of the phrases brilliant people use to politely say "Are you stupid?" aren't intended to be accusatory, demeaning, or invalidating, they're pushing to craft a safer space for people to speak without judgment.
10. 'That's a fair point, but there's something we're missing'
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Many of the phrases brilliant people use to politely say "Are you stupid?" actually call people back into conversations, urging them to expand their knowledge, consider things they hadn't thought about, and clarify misunderstandings. In the workplace, a phrase like this can ensure everyone feels included in the problem-solving process, while also learning something new.
The more you open up conversations like this and provide people with the benefit of the doubt, the better they'll be in the future at crafting their opinions and sharing their thoughts.
11. 'I hear you, but could I share my thoughts?'
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If you haven't digested it thus far, here's a last chance: the secret to maintaining better relationships and engaging in more productive, healthy, and comfortable conversations is feeling heard.
If you can help someone else feel heard by using a phrase like this, they'll be more willing to do the same for you. Leading with empathy and adopting kind habits and phrases that replace invalidating and dismissive ones like "Are you stupid?" can truly change your life.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
