11 Phrases Brilliant People Desperately Want To Say But Can’t Because They Have Manners
Truly healthy "manners" aren't just about etiquette rules and societal expectations, they're about leading with empathy.
panophotograph | Shutterstock Stereotypical etiquette expectations and “manners” are social constructs that don’t always spark unity in the ways we expect. For example, ideas like “respect your elders” have fed generations of young kids misinformation about displaying and advocating for respect for decades. However, the University of California, Irvine’s Kristen Monroe suggests a lot of good can come from maintaining some sense of “manners”— mainly because most of us already have “an innate sense of fairness” built inside of us.
By following this innate moral sense and leading with the manners that instinctively unfold, brilliant people can ensure they’re not only navigating the world looking out for themselves, but also conveying a sense of respect, empathy, and support to those around them. Many of the phrases brilliant people desperately want to say but can’t because they have manners put this innate moral compass in jeopardy. However, that doesn’t make them any less satisfying and gratifying to think and say in private.
Here are 11 phrases brilliant people desperately want to say but can’t because they have manners:
1. ‘That’s not my problem’
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Leading with empathy is often the exception to the stereotypical manners that sometimes cause more division and resentment. We embody our morals, ethics, and general etiquette principles by treating other people with respect and kindness and sparking a sense of understanding in conversations.
Sometimes, one of the phrases brilliant people desperately want to say but can’t because they have manners is simply, “That’s not my problem.” When we’re battling our own stress, problems, and general life battles, it’s not always easy to be empathetic and put ourselves in another person’s shoes, but a 2021 study on social connection argues that people who practice this behavior have happier, more fulfilling relationships.
So, instead of saying, “That’s not my problem” or “figure it out by yourself,” people with manners lead with empathy — even when they don’t want to, it’s uncomfortable, or they’re already stressed — for the sake of leading with their innate moral compass and manners.
2. ‘It’s not me who needs to apologize’
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According to a 2002 study conducted by UChicago researchers, nearly half of people are misunderstood in daily conversations, even when they believe they’re on the same page with another person. Sometimes, these casual misunderstandings can go unnoticed, but other times they fuel resentment and later conflict that requires an apology or a more open conversation.
People with manners may feel that being misunderstood by another person, despite expressing their emotions and vulnerability, isn’t worthy of an apology, but they feel pressured into giving one. Everyone must remember, whether they’re leading with their moral compass and manners or not, that hurting another person’s feelings isn’t always intentional.
Offering up an apology is sometimes the best way to have an open conversation, encouraging the other person to feel valued and heard, rather than using a phrase like this that brilliant people may desperately want to say, but choose not to while committing to their manners.
3. ‘You sound ridiculous’
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Everyone occasionally tends to say rude things and overlook empathy to cope with discomfort. Still, research, like one 2015 study, suggests that rudeness can spark negative consequences that adversely affect relationships, workplaces, and social connections.
Even in a fleeting, casual conversation, using a phrase like this can spark resentment and have long-lasting consequences, which is why it’s typically one of the phrases brilliant people desperately want to say but can’t because they have manners.
4. ‘Do you always treat people this poorly?’
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Especially in places like the workplace or family relationships where tensions can run high and spark less empathetic behaviors between peers, people need to lead with manners that encourage them to pass along respect and understanding, even when it’s hard.
Even having one team member, peer, or family member committing to open conversations and empathy can make a huge difference in culture and comfort for everyone involved, which is why this is one of the phrases brilliant people desperately want to say but can’t because they have manners.
According to Jamil Zaki, a research psychologist at Stanford University, empathy is an experience. Still, kindness is the behavior we engage in when talking to co-workers or resolving conflict with a partner. Making the deliberate and intentional choice to use kind language and to lead with empathy to help others feel valued means setting these internal urges and phrases aside for the sake of healthy conversation and trust.
5. ‘What’s your problem?’
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It’s easy to say things like “What’s your problem?” or “You’re wrong” over more empathetic phrases like “How can I help?” or “Tell me more about that,” which is why leading with manners or your innate moral judgment can often be uncomfortable. However, having an open conversation built on trust with co-workers, friends, a partner, or family members is reliant on everyone feeling heard and understood, regardless of what they’re saying.
There’s a fine line between expressing your genuine opinions and conveying respect and being misunderstood over tone of voice, nonverbal cues, and judgmental language, so it’s important for people leading with empathy to be intentional about the phrases they choose to use.
Even when someone is speaking in a loud voice, coming across passionately, or using phrases you may not choose yourself, opt for empathy. You not only encourage people to come back down to your calm and composed level, but you’ll also get more out of the conversation as a result.
6. ‘I told you so’
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According to experts from Seven Ways Consulting, phrases like “I told you so” tend to make people defensive, sparking embarrassment or shame over being “wrong” or misguided. While that’s not always intentional, rather a sense of self-gloating and external validation from the person saying it, it can sabotage productive conversations and healthy relationships when used.
It’s one of the phrases brilliant people desperately want to say, especially when they feel underestimated or judged by another person. Still, they often don’t — to uplift their manners and live by leading with empathy.
7. ‘You’re being disrespectful’
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Of course, people with manners should still feel entitled to advocate for themselves, set boundaries, and call out misbehavior, but leading with empathy changes how people express these needs. By choosing phrases like “I don’t feel heard right now” or “Can we come back to this discussion?” over direct “call-outs,” everyone feels more comfortable resolving conflict or talking about their emotions without judgment or offense.
By “calling in” misbehavior or disrespect by sparking a healthy and honest discussion to move forward, which experts from Princeton University suggest is more productive than “calling it out,” people who lead with manners build better relationships, both in their personal and professional lives.
Many of the phrases brilliant people desperately want to say but can’t because they lack manners tend to come out in private, with trusted friends, or when decompressing from the day, which is perfectly natural and expected — but in these conversations, they’re intentional about using inclusive and empathetic language.
8. ‘If I were you, I’d…’
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Empathy isn’t about giving unsolicited advice or trying to shape-shift solutions that work for you toward others; it’s about giving people space to feel supported as they work toward solutions for themselves.
Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes” gives you a chance to give them grace, support them in the ways that work for them, and communicate openly without judgment — using a phrase like this that demeans, invalidates, or dismisses other people’s feelings does quite the opposite.
9. ‘That’s not my fault’
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It’s important to take responsibility when you hurt someone’s feelings or make a mistake — that’s the foundation of trust that fuels healthy relationships — but it’s not always necessary to take responsibility for someone else’s response, especially if it could be dealt with with an honest conversation.
Experts from Heartfelt Therapy suggest that “responsibility is a two-way street” that manifests in mutual respect and communication. People with manners recognize this by keeping phrases like this to themselves.
When you say “that’s not my problem” or “my fault,” you only isolate yourself from healthy conversation by encouraging others to feel misunderstood, unheard, or alone. Having “manners” is relatively subjective and rooted in societal norms, but leading with empathy should be clear — treat people with kindness, take accountability for the things you can control, and give people grace when they need it.
10. ‘Thanks for nothing’
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Many of the phrases brilliant people desperately want to say but can’t because they have manners are rooted in natural human emotions like frustration, irritability, or loneliness. When we don’t feel supported or heard by others, it’s natural to be upset, but people with manners have their own way of emotionally regulating themselves, rather than immediately resorting to hurtful phrases like this.
They might say it in their head or to a trusted partner later on, but they’re committed to building healthy relationships and engaging in productive conversations in the moment. Instead, they opt for phrases like “How can we do better next time?” or “How can I support you in the future?”, making space for growth and setting clear boundaries in relationships they care to nurture.
11. ‘The world doesn’t revolve around you’
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Especially in our ultra-competitive culture, it’s not uncommon for people to feel like they need to brag, engage in “selfish” behaviors, or overstate their opinions in conversations to be perceived as more intelligent, confident, and successful. It’s human nature to want to fit in, but in a competitive world, it’s harder and harder to cultivate that sense of belonging.
However, people with manners who lead with empathy tend to avoid language that “calls out” people’s natural responses to our culture, instead using phrases like “here’s what I think” or “I feel like we should talk about this perspective” to urge people into a more collaborative space.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
