5 Traits Of A Person Who Refuses To Take Responsibility & Blames Everyone Else Instead
Anger doesn't work, but they keep using it.
Chavdar Dimitrov from Pexels | Canva Pro There are specific traits associated with people who don't take responsibility for their own actions. I've met plenty of people who believe they are victims of their own behavior — I'm sure we all have. For instance, one man who told me, "I lost my temper with my assistant, and now she is suing me. But I just can't seem to help getting mad when people mess up."
People who blame everyone else won't listen to reason, and they generally won't see that their rudeness doesn't work, no matter how often their behavior backfires and causes even more problems.
Here are 5 traits of people who blame others instead of taking real responsibility
1. They believe in a life they control
They believe they can have control over others with anger or blame, and controlling other people will get them what they want.
A study in Communication Monographs Journal suggests while sometimes they might be able to intimidate or guilt a person into doing what they want, they can never have control over how a person thinks and feels. At some point, even if a person complies out of fear or guilt, it may backfire on them.
2. They connect through conflict
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They want to connect with someone, such as a partner, but they don't want to connect through true openness, as they are fearful of being seen and rejected. Connecting through a fight or argument seems like a safe way to connect.
If the other person engages in an argument or fight, then they get the connection they want, but if the other person disengages, then they may be left feeling even more lonely and helpless.
3. They have low self-esteem
They are terrified of rejection and engulfment. They fear being alone. They feel insecure and powerless, and getting angry and blaming makes them feel more powerful, as suggested by an article on self-esteem as a causal chain of mechanisms in Nature Reviews Psychology.
The problem is true power comes from power over self, not power over others. While having control over another might feel good at the moment, since true self-esteem comes from power within, controlling behavior over others never ultimately leads to feeling safe or secure. It leads to more fear and insecurity when others respond by distancing themselves, resenting, resisting, or rejecting and leaving.
4. They fear vulnerability
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Research on attachment anxiety in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports how they are terrified of their more vulnerable feelings of helplessness over others, loneliness, aloneness, emptiness, fear, insecurity, or anxiety. Anger and blame work to cover up these feelings. They have no idea how to manage their pain, so they have learned to get angry and blame to avoid these feelings.
The problem is getting angry and blaming are forms of self-abandonment. While they might believe it is others, situations, events, or the past creating their pain, it is the fact they are ignoring their feelings rather than taking responsibility that is causing their painful feelings.
Until they learn how to take responsibility for their feelings, they might continue to cover the feelings up with anger and blame.
5. Their pain is always caused by others
They believe their pain is caused by others rather than by their self-abandonment, so they feel justified in blaming others for their feelings.
As long as they believe their painful feelings of anger, fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, guilt, or shame are caused by something outside themselves rather than by their thoughts and actions, they will see themselves as a victim and need to try to control others, as shown by research from Ohio State University.
As long as they avoid responsibility for learning to manage their feelings of loneliness, heartache, sorrow, grief, and helplessness over others, they will try to cover these feelings up with anger and blame.
Learning to take 100% responsibility for our feelings is the key to moving beyond anger and blame. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process is a powerful way to learn responsibility for our feelings.
Dr. Margaret Paul is a relationship expert, noted public speaker, and educator.