11 People In Your Life Who Seem Safe But Should Actually Be Avoided, According To Psychology
Some people appear to be great additions to your life at first, but they're actually more likely to cause you harm.
Bordovski Yauheni / Shutterstock First impressions don’t always give us the full story of the people we meet, which is why it’s important to take our time getting to know someone new. It can be exciting to feel an instant bond with someone, as though you’ve been waiting for them to arrive. Because initial impressions can be misleading, it’s common to have people in your life who seem safe but should actually be avoided.
When it comes to entering new romantic relationships and making new friendships, there are various steps you can take to protect your inner peace. Know your boundaries and express them clearly. Consider how you want to show up for the people in your life, especially the ones who only seem safe, but should actually be avoided.
Here are 11 people in your life who seem safe but should actually be avoided, according to psychology
1. Love Bombers
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Love-bombers are people who seem safe but should actually be avoided. People who lean on love-bombing techniques at the start of a relationship will focus all their attention and energy on you, in a way that elevates you and makes you feel completely desired, yet they often have ulterior motives.
Love-bombers will text you all day long, sending you cute selfies and telling you how much they miss you. They might even give you extravagant gifts, to impress you and show you how important you are to them. And then, once they have you hooked, love-bombers will lose interest and completely disappear from your life.
According to a study from the University of Arkansas, love-bombing was described as “The presence of excessive communication at the beginning of a romantic relationship in order to obtain power and control over another’s life as a means of narcissistic self-enhancement.”
The researchers found that love-bombing was directly correlated to having narcissistic tendencies and an insecure attachment style.
Former therapist Crystal Jackson noted that love-bombing appears nice on the surface, but it’s really a toxic behavior.
“Love bombers show their best selves until the relationship is secure,” she explained. “Then, you’ll notice that they seem like someone else — distant, less affectionate, and less interested as time goes on.”
“Love bombers might be well-intentioned at times. They might even believe their effusiveness. But it’s a manipulative behavior because it’s built to lock down a relationship early, and it’s not sustainable,” Jackson concluded.
While love-bombers might seem like they’re totally enamored with you and ready to lock it down, they’re not actually safe, and should be avoided.
2. Chronic People-Pleasers
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Chronic people-pleasers also seem safe but should actually be avoided. At first, their willingness to help out seems appealing, but people-pleasers often have passive-aggressive tendencies that can negatively affect your relationship with them.
Leadership coach Patricia Bonnard outlined the dangers of becoming closer with a people-pleaser.
“Along with the inability to say ‘no,’ there are additional dangers and downsides to being a people pleaser,” she explained. “These often come at the expense of one's mental health,” which include feeling inadequate, an inability to set boundaries, and a lack of self-worth.
“It's important to realize the detrimental impacts associated with unconditionally agreeing. It's damaging to both the pleaser and those around them,” Bonnard continued.
She noted that people-pleasers ignore their own needs or emotional challenges, which means “they may ultimately surprise you with accusations of not caring about or appreciating them.”
Chronic people-pleasers might seem safe, yet their underlying insecurities and tendency toward resentment make it hard to maintain a true connection with them over the long-term.
3. Self-described ‘Nice Guys’
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Another type of person who seems safe but should actually be avoided is the self-described “nice guy.” They’ll tell you how thoughtful they are and how much they respect women, but their words often don’t match up with their actions. Self-proclaimed nice guys want to be congratulated for having basic human decency, but most of the time, they’re just basic.
They often expect to be rewarded or put on a pedestal for how nice they are. Self-described nice guys are nice, until they aren’t. If you turn down a nice guy or don’t respond to his advances, he’ll often get bitter and resentful, and show you who he really is.
Truly emotional intelligent men don’t tell you how understanding they are, they just are. While nice guys who tell you how nice they are might seem safe, they should actually be avoided.
4. Perfectionists
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Perfectionists are another example of people in your life who seem safe but should actually be avoided. At first, perfectionists give off positive or at least neutral vibes– After all, what’s wrong with striving for perfection? Yet the more you get to know them, the more their negative attributes begin to peek through the cracks of their apparently flawless facade.
According to psychologist Judith Tutin, people with perfectionist tendencies relentlessly strive to meet their own impossibly high standards, and they expect others to meet those standards, too.
“Perfectionism harms relationships with others,” she explained. “It’s like saying no one else knows what they’re doing, no one tries hard enough, and no one is getting it right. Others can feel your disdain.”
It can be difficult to cultivate close connections with a perfectionist, since they’re constantly judging themselves– and you. Tutin shared that people who show their imperfections are actually more relatable than people who pretend they’re perfect.
“We also love people who make mistakes, don’t always get what they want, and who regularly screw things up. It allows us to share our misses,” she noted. “It’s OK to celebrate successes, but you are more than your wins. Failure makes us human, and talking about failure allows us to get the support we need and increases our empathy toward others.”
5. Social Chameleons
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People who act like chameleons and change their personality depending on the social situation seem safe, but they should actually be avoided. While most people let certain parts of their personality shine through depending on who they’re with, people who shape-shift and completely change who they are aren’t as safe as they seem.
Therapist Jim Brillon shared that it’s “Totally normal to maybe show up a little bit differently depending on the people that you’re around based on the relationship.”
“If somebody is turning into a chameleon, a shapeshifter … you really want to look at the idea of having a true self and a false self. People can take on personas where they do seem like a whole different person based on who they’re with,” he explained.
Brillon noted that oftentimes, those false personas act as a self-protective layer people use to avoid being vulnerable and showing who they really are, out of insecurity or fear of rejection.
Social chameleons’ malleability keeps “anybody from noticing the real vulnerable self,” Brillon continued. “And that true self for some people may be an aspect of themselves they’ve never actually met before.”
While social chameleons’ behavior is usually benign, they often don’t have a strong set of values to guide them through the harder parts of life. Building a relationship with a social chameleon can lead to a sense of instability and a lack of complete trust, which is why they should be avoided.
6. Complainers
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People who always complain might seem safe, but they should actually be avoided. Complainers focus so much on the negative aspects of life, they tend to overlook or outright ignore anything positive. While spreading toxic positivity and pretending to be happy all the time isn’t healthy, either, complainers can’t ever find a silver lining, which makes being around them fairly unpleasant.
According to a study published in Frontiers in Psychology, complaining refers to the “to the display of some suffering or negative experience [where] responsibility is either sought or can be attributed to ‘someone.’”
The study defined blaming as “a morally charged form of complaining [that] is outward-oriented to an identified perpetrator.”
Complainers often have a victim mentality, which means nothing is ever their fault. They assign blame to everyone else for their own negativity. They don’t hold themselves accountable for their own mindset or attitude, which makes them hard to be around for longer stretches of time.
Complainers might seem harmless, but before long, their negative energy will drain the joy out of every interaction you have with them, which is why they should be avoided.
7. Fake Supporters
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People who offer you false support seem safe, but they should actually be avoided. Fake supporters pretend that they’re on your side, when really, their subtle competitiveness means they’re always measuring themselves against you. It might seem like they’re lifting you up and boosting your self-esteem, but fake supporters give compliments that are really insults in disguise.
Fake supporters undermine your success by talking behind your back or spreading negative rumors. They might offer you words of encouragement or praise, but they don’t really mean it. Being around fake supporters will leave a bitter taste in your mouth. They act like they’re being kind and giving, yet you leave every interaction wondering why you feel so bad about yourself.
A fake supporter wants to make you feel safe so they can undermine you and cut you down, which is why they should actually be avoided.
8. Needy Friends
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Needy friends seem safe, but they should actually be avoided. All friendships are based on a balance of giving and taking. Sometimes, we need to take a little extra love and encouragement from our friends, and sometimes, we’re the ones giving support. Having a needy friend might seem fine at first, but over time, their approval-seeking behavior and constant emotional crises will leave you feeling drained and taken advantage of.
Needy friends come off as being affectionate and loyal. They seem like they’ll always be there for you, but really, they’re seeking support that they don’t plan on reciprocating. They want all of your time and energy and often get jealous if you make other plans.
Needy friends seem safe, but eventually, they’ll take more than they give, and they should actually be avoided.
9. Emotionally Stoic People
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Emotionally stoic people seem safe, but they should actually be avoided. These people appear as though they have deep wells of inner strength. They seem grounded and stable, like you can count on them when times get tough. Yet their cool exterior doesn’t go any deeper than surface-level, which means they won’t open up or let you in.
Emotionally stoic people struggle to be vulnerable, which means they put up walls that keep others out. They can share parts of themselves to a point, but they tend to hold people at a distance when it comes to showing true intimacy. Being in a relationship with an emotionally stoic person will leave you feeling like your needs aren’t being met, and you’ll feel lonelier with them than when you’re actually alone.
10. Conflict Avoiders
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Conflict avoiders seem safe, but they should actually be avoided. They might side-step active confrontation, but their underlying hostility will still show up in subtle ways. They might make cutting remarks that put you down, but when you ask them what’s wrong, they’ll respond by making passive-aggressive remarks, like saying, “I’m fine,” or “Just forget about it.”
Conflict is never particularly easy to approach, but people who can’t face it head-on just make the tension grow even bigger, until it feels too overwhelming to tackle. Conflict avoiders struggle to express their emotions. They’re ineffective communicators. They’re more likely to push down their feelings than to be honest with you, which is why they should be avoided.
11. Resentful Helpers
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People who are resentful helpers seem safe but they should actually be avoided. They might offer to help you move or make you dinner when you’re sick, but they always expect something in return. They don’t give for the sake of giving, rather, they give because they want to have leverage over you.
Resentful helpers tend to be fairly entitled people, who say things like, “You owe me,” or “You should be happy I’m even here.” Their resentment is never as well hidden as they think it is, and it reveals itself in their hostile attitude and passive aggressive comments.
Resentful helpers don’t actually want to help you, they just want the social capital that comes from being seen as a helpful person. They might seem safe, but they should actually be avoided.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.