People Who Cut Off Their Close Friends Usually Have These 11 Eye-Opening Reasons
How to know when your friend has had enough.
Dodokat | Shutterstock When you have been friends with someone for a long time, it can be surreal when they wake up one day and completely cut off communication with you. This sends you into a state of grief that comes with mourning a living, breathing person. Some feel completely blindsided by their friends' sudden departure from their lives, but there are several reasons why someone would end a friendship.
Studies indicate that women often end their friendships because of perceived selfishness, whereas men more typically let friendships fade due to distance. Women reported a higher likelihood of ending a friendship when they felt their friend was acting selfishly and not fulfilling their needs. At the same time, men tend to allow friendships to gradually diminish instead.
People who cut off their close friends usually have these 11 eye-opening reasons:
1. Envy can destroy close friendships.
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Envy is one of the most toxic emotions you can harbor toward a friend. When friends feel envious, they desire what you have — success, a happy relationship, or anything else. This resentment can lead friends to distance themselves from each other. Watch out for signs like dismissive comments or downplaying your achievements — these are all obvious signs of an envious friend.
Unlike jealousy, which is driven by the fear of losing something you already have, envy is the longing for something someone else possesses.
Unlike jealousy, which focuses on losing something, enviousness is a desire for something the other person has. According to a study by the National Library of Medicine, envy differs from jealousy in that it involves admiration for the person who has something you desire, often because you perceive them as having qualities you lack. In the study, participants were asked about their reactions when others had things they didn't. The key difference was that people feeling envy were emotionally affected by how others felt about possessing something they wanted. At the same time, those experiencing jealousy focused solely on the fear of losing what they already had without considering how the other person felt.
When someone cuts you off due to envy, you can see warning signs, like if you notice that they downplay everything you say or do. For instance, if you tell your friend that you just got a raise and their first instinct is to say that you don't deserve it since you have so much already, then chances are your friend is envious of you.
2. Gossip and betrayal ruin trust.
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One of the biggest reasons friendships end is when gossip spreads. People end friendships when they hear their friends gossip about them — it catches them off guard, damaging trust and creating division.
If your friend hears rumors about you talking behind their back, it's not unusual for them to cut ties. Gone are the days when you tell your friends to give you their side of the story after you've heard something egregious about yourself.
According to a study by Frontiers in Psychology, individuals who have shown signs of dark triad personality traits like self-importance, deceitful behavior, and cynicism are more likely to gossip about their friends. The study showed that the main reason for gossiping was to negatively influence another person's reputation because you deem a threat — often used as a social tool to gain intimacy and trust.
Gossiping rarely keeps friends together long-term — this type of betrayal results in a scapegoat mentality, eventually leading to more rumors and cutting ties.
If you want to keep your friendships, try talking to your friends first about your grievances rather than letting them hear it through the grapevine. Addressing issues directly with your friend avoids the fallout of hearsay.
3. Offensive actions lead to breakups.
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A serious betrayal, like infidelity or dishonesty, can cause irreparable damage to a friendship. People may cut you off if they feel personally attacked or hurt by your actions — these are all hard-line issues that people will stand on if they have standards and principles.
Psychology Today notes that when friends find themselves in a challenging environment filled with tough decisions, such as dealing with infidelity, it often influences others in the group to act in similar ways. Due to peer pressure or socialization, people who commit adultery are more likely to have friends who also do it. Going along with the crowd can feel natural, even if you've never done so in the past.
While infidelity is a significant issue, any act of dishonesty can lead someone to conform to and adopt those behaviors. Therefore, it shouldn't be surprising if your friend decides to cut you out of their life, as you may have played a direct role. To make matters worse, many know they did something wrong but still refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Accountability for mistakes is crucial in repairing broken friendships, but sometimes, the damage is too much to fix.
4. Shame after a fight can lead to silence.
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After a heated argument, some people cut you off out of shame. They walk away instead of facing the consequences of impulsive words or actions. Shame can be a stronger emotion than guilt, and people often regret pushing you away, but it’s too late to mend things.
For example, if you're arguing with your friend and, in the heat of the moment, tell them that the friendship has run its course, you leave the words to fester instead of taking them back, effectively ending the friendship.
According to a study by the National Library of Medicine, shame is more painful to confront than guilt and remorse because it requires reflecting on one's behavior. Those experiencing shame feel a vulnerability that isn't present with guilt as they focus more on the consequences of their actions.
Shame can also occur when individuals allow their friends to treat them a certain way and later regret not expressing their feelings about it. Occasionally, in arguments between two friends, both may feel justified and believe the other is at fault. They might experience shame after the disagreement and, driven by pettiness, choose not to reach out to repair the friendship.
Many often regret these choices later because, at times, you don’t truly mean what you say when you're angry and frustrated.
5. Life changes can cause friends to grow apart.
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Sometimes, people drift apart as their lives head in different directions. They realize they can't help each other with their personal growth anymore. Some friendships can't withstand the distance, whether it's a career shift, a move, or a new life chapter.
Letting go of friendships that no longer serve your growth can be a healthy step forward. It is okay for you to say goodbye amicably and wish each other the best in the future. No animosity, no ill will — send good vibes their way and call it a day.
Losing a friend this way is like grieving a family member who is somewhere out in the world, just living life.
According to a study published in the Journal of School Psychology, children were asked to list their good friends' names in class and nominate them for specific tasks. After several semesters, the students were asked to create a new list of names, and researchers discovered that nearly all the children had altered the names of their closest friends on the list.
This is because losing friends tends to happen during a transitional period in one's life. For example, one could switch schools when younger or move to a different country when one is older. Losing friends can negatively affect one's focus on other things in life.
Remember that the friends you lose will be replaced by the new friends you gain on your journey. This will allow you to learn from old friendships and bring fresh values and traits into future relationships.
6. Neglect and emotional distance can lead to breakups.
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Ignoring a friend's needs, whether neglecting their calls or canceling plans without explanation, can lead to feelings of isolation. Emotional support is key in maintaining any relationship, and neglecting it can cause the friendship to fade.
We've all been guilty of being too preoccupied to notice what our friends are experiencing. Neglecting someone in a friendship can take many forms, but research shows that any neglect in a relationship can lead to depression. The perception of social support helps boost moods by alleviating stress, so the more you feel your friend is on your side and genuinely listening to you, the less likely you are to fall into deep depression.
Neglecting your friends' needs can easily result in them cutting you off and ending the friendship for good. The only way to prevent this is by regularly checking in on your friends to understand their situation.
Remember, your friends go through things just like you. Even lending an ear could make their day. Take time to check in and see how they're doing.
7. Clinginess can strain friendships.
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Everyone loves a present friend, but sometimes a friend who stays around longer than necessary could cross some serious boundaries. Sometimes, one person in a friendship becomes overly dependent, suffocating the other. A clingy friend can drain your emotional energy, leading to resentment and eventual rejection.
According to Dr. Irene S. Levine, friendships that don't allow individual growth during periods apart can lead to feelings of resentment. This resentment may cause your friend to adopt a mindset of perpetual victimhood. A study on how the brain heals emotional wounds revealed that forgiveness can eliminate any hostility or rumination that is currently taking place.
Healthy boundaries are essential to ensure both friends feel respected and valued.
Setting boundaries with your clingy friends is the best way to maintain your friendship. If the friendship matters to you, consider forgiving them and finding a compromise. You only have to cut them off and move on if it doesn't.
There are ways to cut someone clingy out of your life without being unnecessarily mean or rude to them. Remember that your friend's clinginess might stem from a childhood wound or an avoidant attachment style, so have some compassion for them.
8. One-sided friendships can lead to resentment.
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Venting is a normal aspect of friendship, but when only one person does it, it can become exhausting for the other. It can be emotionally draining if a friendship feels one-sided, where one person is always venting, and the other constantly offers support.
Both friends need to give and take equally. The friendship can feel more like a burden than a support system if this balance is off.
According to a study by Iowa State University, venting one's frustrations led to more positive moods; however, anger and aggressive behavior remained after the experiments. In one experiment, both men and women were asked to hit a punching bag after being angry. After the experiment, it found that despite participants' lifted moods, they still felt angry and aggressive after venting their frustrations on the bag.
This indicates resentment lingers even when you claim to have moved on from a situation. This might explain why some people cut ties with friends and refuse to reconcile; the pain, hurt, and anger remain with them. Even if you forgive someone, you may still feel resentful toward them.
Remember to let your friend vent just as much as you do in the friendship, and if they are not typically someone who vents to you, then chances are there is already something wrong lingering there.
9. Conflicting values can break up a friendship.
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While friends don't always need to share the same beliefs, having similar values can help sustain a long-lasting relationship. If values don't align, it can create tension and distance.
Compatibility is everything in any relationship, especially when it comes to friendships. You don't necessarily have to share the same beliefs as your friend, but having similar values helps maintain the friendship longer.
According to a study by the National Library of Medicine, people strive to connect socially through shared values and experiences. The ultimate goal is that they belong to a group or a tribe that will care for each other over time. The more the participants in the study shared similar values or beliefs, the more likely they were to finish the task together.
Friendship dynamics shift when external factors — such as family, society, or personal beliefs — impact the connection. For instance, a family member might disapprove of your friend, leading you to sever ties with them, or you may judge that person based on societal perceptions, causing you to miss out on a valuable friendship. At other times, your self-doubt can contribute to the deterioration of the friendship.
People aren't perfect and don't aim to be, so keep an open mind when approaching a friendship.
10. Repeated annoyances can drive friends away.
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Borrowing money without paying it back, constantly asking for favors, or other repeated actions that annoy your friends can cause them to cut you off. Friendships need mutual respect, and when one person constantly oversteps boundaries, the other may feel they have no choice but to walk away.
Have you ever borrowed money from your friend and not paid it back when it was due? Have you ever done this again and again? Well, chances are you annoyed your friend to the breaking point.
According to Psychology Today, borrowing money from a friend is fine, but sometimes it can backfire on both of you. In the study, participants and their friends were given money to determine what they would spend it on and gauge their reactions. When the money was considered a gift, many had no issues when their friends splurged on themselves; however, things changed when it came to spending a loan. People were more likely to be angry, as they needed to pay that money back to the debt collector.
From experience, I have lent money to friends who have never paid it back, which I thought was okay because I gave it unconditionally. Still, I have had friends who felt entitled to my money after I lent it to them without intending to pay it back.
Determining whether it's worth lending them money is up to you. Lending your friend money is acceptable as long as they repay you. If they don’t, it’s best to avoid doing it again. Removing them from your life is the most effective solution if they keep bothering you.
11. Fear of confrontation leads to drifting apart.
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Some people cut ties to avoid conflict. Fear of confrontation can lead them to take the easier route, quietly distancing themselves rather than confronting issues head-on. This avoidance can lead to unresolved problems and eventually to the dissolution of the friendship.
People who cut you off will often do it because they fear confrontation. They walk through life wanting to keep the peace rather than standing on business and telling you the truth. The truth is that they feel you have wronged them in some way, but they will not communicate with you about that problem.
Research indicates that fear of conflict results in no resolution since one side in the dispute may avoid resolving or alleviating the issue. Many individuals allow their fear of conflict to hinder their lives, opting for easier, more comfortable choices instead of those that promote personal growth.
It's easy to avoid an unpleasant situation, but if you want to keep your friendships, maybe this isn't the best method. If you can truly live with the fact that you cut a person off just because you didn't want to face the consequences of your actions, then these negative patterns will continue to show up throughout your life unless you change yourself.
Give them a chance to fix the situation and allow yourself to overcome this fear.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author who has over a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.