People Who Grew Up As The Good Kid No One Ever Needed To Worry About Often Display These 10 Behaviors, Says A Therapist
To the kids who never gave anyone a reason to worry, we see you.
averie woodard | Unsplash The good kids were the ones everyone trusted to get things done. They were the ones who never gave anyone a reason to worry. But beneath that reliable exterior was often a kid who felt they were living under pressure. What happens when being the "good kid" becomes a role and not just a choice?
“I’m a recovering ‘good’ kid turned trauma therapist and mom,” said Maggie Nick, LCSW. She asserted that growing up the good kid can come with a slew of challenges many people don't even consider. She admitted, “I spent most of my life as a burned-out, overachieving, people-pleasing, perfectionist, pushover, and shape-shifting chameleon. So I get it, and I see you.” Nick went on to explain that kids who were labeled the good kid often display these 10 personalities or behaviors.
People who grew up as the good kid no one ever needed to worry about often display these 10 behaviors:
1. They anxiously watch everybody’s moods
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For some children, growing up meant learning to read the room before anyone else did. They were the ones who anxiously watched every shift in mood and every change in tone and constantly adjusted their behavior to keep the peace. It wasn’t just about staying out of trouble; it was about sensing the invisible currents around them, always striving to be calm in the storm.
“Trauma, for example, can cause the evolved 'alarm system' to remain constantly 'on, resulting in hyper-vigilance, a form of malfunction that’s at the core of PTSD,” explained Noam Shpancer, Ph.D. As adults, they shy away from confrontation or disruptive situations because it brings them back to a place in their childhood.
2. They are pushovers
Some children grow up as the ones who always say "yes," even when they want to say "no." They're the ones who avoid conflict, always putting others' needs before their own. Whether it's agreeing to things they don't want or quietly accepting what comes their way, they're the classic "pushovers." Because they were often the ones who "did everything right," they developed a tendency to seek approval through people pleasing and avoiding disappointment.
3. They struggle with anxiety and perfectionism
For some kids, every mistake feels like a mountain, and every expectation feels like a weight they can’t shake off. Anxiety and perfectionism become their silent companions, pushing them to do more, even when they’re already running on empty.
They fear that one slip-up could be the end of the world. As adults, they may become very strict or demanding with their own children, mirroring how they were raised or internalizing those expectations.
4. They are their own biggest critic
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Some children’s toughest critics aren’t their teachers or parents but themselves. Because they were often held to high standards as children, they may have a high level of self-criticism and a tendency to strive for perfection in various areas of their lives.
Writing for Psychology Today, trauma specialist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, explained, "Perfectionism often emerges as a coping mechanism in response to the shame that comes from childhood trauma, as individuals strive to gain a sense of control and security in their environment. Rooted in fear of failure or abandonment, perfectionism becomes a way to avoid criticism, rejection, or further trauma by striving for flawlessness in every aspect of life."
5. They apologize all the time, even if they did nothing wrong
The word "sorry" becomes a reflex for some kids, who apologize for things they didn’t do, didn’t mean, or couldn't control. Feeling like they always need to keep the peace or maintain good standing, they might over-apologize or feel responsible for situations that aren’t necessarily their fault. As adults, they may continue to prioritize others’ needs above their own, often going out of their way to avoid conflict or disappointment.
6. They suppress their feelings
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Anyone who grew up as "the good kid" has an innate need to follow rules and procedures very strictly. They were conditioned to do what was expected without pushing boundaries. They were often told to suppress their feelings within families that had big personalities. As adults, they may struggle to set healthy boundaries and express their feelings. This can lead to burnout, resentment, and being taken advantage of in both personal and professional relationships.
7. They are the helpers, constantly supporting everyone but themselves
Because they’re always busy taking care of others, adults who were caregivers as children may struggle with self-care. They might feel guilty for taking time for themselves, seeing their own needs as less important than the needs of others. This can lead to neglecting their physical and mental health. They often take on responsibility willingly, whether it’s at work, in relationships, or in group settings. They might be the first to volunteer or step in to help others at the expense of their own appeasement.
8. They are in a constant fight-or-flight mode
Constantly being in fight-or-flight mode can make it hard for children to regulate their emotions. These children can carry high levels of anxiety into adulthood. As adults, they may have difficulty processing and expressing their feelings. They might push people away or remain distant because they’re conditioned to fend for themselves. They could experience emotional outbursts, irritability, or numbness because their nervous systems are in survival mode rather than a balanced state.
9. They look for evidence that they’re in trouble or that someone’s mad at them
These individuals may develop a tendency to overanalyze interactions and interpret neutral or ambiguous behavior as negative. For example, if someone seems distant or annoyed, they might immediately assume they’ve done something wrong, even if no conflict exists. They might have trouble addressing conflicts directly, instead becoming overly focused on reading between the lines or interpreting unspoken cues. This can make it hard for them to communicate openly, as they may avoid confrontation altogether for fear of triggering anger or disappointment in others.
10. They are often overachievers
Overachieving children are often under constant pressure to perform at their best. As they grow into adults, this pressure can lead to chronic stress, as they may struggle to relax or take breaks. The intense need to constantly meet high standards can eventually result in burnout, both mentally and physically. The constant drive to succeed leaves little time for self-care or relaxation, leading to exhaustion. There may be a strong drive to succeed and perform well, driven by internal pressure or a desire to meet high standards that were set for them growing up.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.