Why Your Spouse Blames You For Everything
Use these techniques to create calm and empower both people when you are confronting a spouse who blames you for everything.
fizkes / Shutterstock How long does it take to realize your spouse is never going to accept responsibility for making a mistake?
For whatever reason, your partner has decided (probably a long time ago) that it is important to always have the right answer, be the good boy or girl, and never be seen as having done anything wrong. Therefore, they have developed a deflective maneuver to always try to look guiltless, even when it doesn’t work.
Why does my spouse blame me for everything?
One of the primary drivers behind your partner always blaming you when things go wrong is that they live in fear of being found out to be wrong (or bad).
More than likely, they were raised with a punitive parent who was physically or verbally abusive if they didn’t measure up according to their perception; i.e. have the right answer, always have the chores done, get great grades in school, look good no matter what, etc.
The quicker you can figure out how to communicate and get to that discovery, the sooner you can strategize a way to get along and enjoy the relationship.
In the meantime, there are some things you can do to make your life easier.
How to Deal With a Husband or Wife Who Blames You For Everything
1. Manage your own emotions.
Learning to manage your own emotions is a skill that will work well in all challenging situations, so cultivating this as a self-development exercise rather than strictly to strengthen your relationship might serve you well.
Remind yourself that what is going on with them is about them, not you. You don't have to meet their agitated emotions with your own.
Take a moment to reflect on your own emotions and reactions when your spouse blames you. Recognize you have the power to control your own responses and choose how to handle the situation.
2. Don't blame, discuss.
When talking to your partner, do not use the word "you." That's because “you” is interpreted by the other as someone pointing the figure at them and saying, "You did something wrong." Thus, they immediately convert to feeling guilty and deflect judgment.
Their thought: “It is my fault; I am guilty, I did something wrong.” And, because doing something wrong is unconscionable, they must shift the blame to you. This behavior is predictable once you understand their backstory.
Try approaching a subject from an “I" perspective instead. I am having a problem. I need help.
For example, you could start by saying, "I can see that you're upset, and I understand that you may be feeling frustrated. Let's try to have a productive discussion about this. Instead of blaming each other, let's discuss what's bothering us. I want to understand your perspective and find a resolution together."
Share how the blame makes you feel, while avoiding accusations or defensiveness. "I feel hurt and overwhelmed when I'm consistently blamed for everything. It's important for me to have a relationship where we can openly communicate and find solutions together."
3, Reframe the scenario from a place of assuming the best about your spouse.
That is, unless or until they make it clear that you shouldn't.
Shift the focus from blame to finding solutions collaboratively. Explore alternative approaches and compromises that can address both your needs and your spouse's concerns.
Example: Propose working together by saying, "Let's find ways to improve our communication and problem-solving. What strategies can we implement to better understand each other's viewpoints?"
Acknowledge and appreciate your spouse's efforts whenever they approach conflicts without resorting to blame.
You can offer appreciation by saying, "I noticed how you approached our recent disagreement with openness and a desire to understand. I truly value your efforts in improving our relationship."
The bottom line in managing situations where your spouse deflects or shifts blame is to remember these three techniques:
- Manage your own emotions.
- Don’t blame, discuss.
- Reframe the scenario.
Jean Walters is an international best-selling author and transformational coach with expertise in personal and spiritual empowerment.