Online Men Aren’t Okay And They Want Women To Know It
The trolling remarks aren’t all bots. They’re also men who are deeply unwell.
Monster Ztudio | Canva Editor's Note: This is a part of YourTango's Opinion section where individual authors can provide varying perspectives for wide-ranging political, social, and personal commentary on issues.
Does anyone remember those Goofus and Gallant comics from back in the day? For those who are not in the know, Goofus and Gallant were kids’ comic strips that you could find in the library — often in Highlights for Children.
I would read them religiously, because, hey, they taught me how to be a better kid. And reading Goofus’s bad habits gave me ideas on how to annoy my parents.
Lately, I’ve noticed many real-life examples of Goofus and Gallant in my world. My best example of Gallant is my husband. He’s a feminist, and he’s respectful. He has plenty of female friends and he is sweet.
Most online trolls are the epitome of Goofus. They make a point of going out of their way to “correct” women, policewomen when they talk about their bad experiences with men, and tell women they ain’t it.
For most of these men, their anger is palpable — yet only online. Once in a blue moon, you’ll see a guy who is like this in real life. Surprise! He’s most often single or on the verge of a “blindside” divorce.
The good men I know? They don’t do this stuff. They go online, read things they like, give it a thumbs up, and tell off guys who troll women. They’re the Gallants women like.
While I can’t stand these male chauvinist trolls, one thing about them becomes clear: men online are not okay — and they want women to know it.
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The men who troll online women are not okay. Hurt people will hurt people. Studies show that men who partake in trolling and gender discrimination are men who often lose to women. It’s their way of taking back the power they never had.
Of course, not all trolls have a typical “loser profile.” Some of them just straight-up hate women for one reason or another. Oftentimes, it’s because they have a lot of baggage dealing with women in their lives. But I digress.
You don’t always have to assume that they’re not okay. If you ask them, they occasionally will tell you that they’re going through stuff. It’s always a bit shocking to hear them say this, but it’s been a phenomenon I’ve noticed.
Men online are far more likely to invade women’s spaces than the other way around.
One thing I’ve noticed about male trolls is that they tend to go into online spaces meant for women. Women generally don’t do this. You don’t see women on Reddit’s r/TheRedPill or similar boards. It’s a gendered thing.
They don’t do this because they want to learn about women. Rather, they want to make sure that all women know that “not all men are bad” and that they should rethink their attitudes.
Or, they want to intimidate and bully women into silence. Abusers abuse because they want to get power and control. Their hunger for control is neverending. It’s often a mirror of their insecurities.
Simply put, trolls do not like women having their own spaces because women talk. Few things scare men more than women talking about them, and rightfully so.
When women talk without men policing them, the many ways men gaslight women start being more noticeable. They lose control of the frame. The power they have over women gets lost.
Trolling is also a way for online men to cry for help.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the best way to deal with a troll is to block them, report them, and ignore them. The reason why is simple. Most trolls feed off engagement from women, even if it’s negative.
It’s a lot like dealing with a neglected child. Children of neglect will often act out in bizarre, destructive ways. This is because that’s often the only time they ever get attention.
To them, bad attention is better than no attention at all. And if you look at it through that lens, most men you see online are screaming for attention at any cost necessary.
Male online trolls are emotionally unregulated men — often beyond self-repair.
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It takes a lot of energy to hate someone as much as male trolls hate women. It’s like a second full-time job for them, assuming they have a full-time job. It’s an obsession, a need for coercion.
The best parallel I can think of is the ex who became unhinged after he got dumped. They act the same way: ganging up on a woman, policing tones, playing the victim, and when that doesn’t work, they opt for making her feel unsafe.
They are often radicalized by right-wing media, traumatized through both real and imagined issues they have with women, and also patent ignorance when it comes to their own needs.
These are not men who are going to find what they are looking for online. The insecurity, anger, and hurt they feel can only be healed from within. No amount of submission from women will make these guys feel better.
It is not women’s job to soothe men’s fragile egos.
Male trolls don’t seem to understand that women are not obligated to interact with them. They don't seem to understand that their problems are not external. Rather, they’re internal issues that they need to address themselves.
Do not try to heal these trolls. Do not give them the attention or validation they crave. Do not entertain them, debate them, or try to bother with them. Their cries for help are not best answered by women.
Trying to kowtow or bend your knee to a man who wants to control every woman around him is only going to hurt you and reward his bad behavior. What he’s got going on in his brain is not fixable through women, so nothing you can do can fix it.
What can these men do? Well, hurting women and trying to control them is not the answer. There is no such thing as a happy family with a wife who is controlled by her husband. There is no such thing as a happy wife who gives up her life to be a sidekick for her husband.
At the end of the day, most men want a partner whose eyes light up when they see him. My husband is always happy to see me and his cats all come to the door and squeeze him when he comes back from work upstairs. It’s a huge thing for all of us at home.
Reaching out to therapy, free men’s support groups with a feminist lean, or even just taking a break from social media could help them. Until they acknowledge their issues and work through them, they are going to continue to suffer.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.