Therapist Shares The #1 Topic Clients Bring Up Over The Holidays & It's Sadder Than We Realized
Turns out there really is a reason your mother-in-law's comments get under your skin.
Nicoleta Ionescu / Shutterstock.com We all know the holidays are hard on many people's mental health, but as one therapist on TikTok revealed, it might not be for the reasons we think.
A therapist shared the number one therapy topic her clients struggle with during the holidays.
While the old belief that suicides spike during Christmas is actually a myth, the holiday season is still among the most difficult times of the year for many people, especially those who struggle with mental health. Financial pressures, old negative memories, strained relationships — it all gets magnified during the time when we're all supposed to be our happiest and most festive.
But therapist and TikToker Dr. Angelica Shiels shared that the most common issue she hears in her office during the Christmas season isn't about break-ups, estrangements, or any of the other things most of us would assume.
The number one therapy topic during the holidays is passive-aggressive and critical comments from relatives.
"As a therapist, guess what the number one hurt feeling I hear about this time of year is?" Shiels said in her video. "No, it's not the mom who woke up to an empty stocking."
It turns out all those old jokes about your mother-in-law driving you crazy at Christmas? Well, that's very, very real.
Shiels said the number one thing she hears in her office this time of year centers on people putting forth the effort to host magical holidays for their families and "getting negativity and criticism instead of positivity and enthusiasm" in return.
She explained that "giving and trying to be thoughtful and hospitable and trying to share quality time together" by hosting family and creating a magical holiday is, ultimately, very emotionally "intimate."
Receiving criticism in return is hurtful. She gave examples like "Oh, you have a lot of plants in your house, do you really need more plants?" and other thinly veiled criticisms that our relatives, and especially our parents and in-laws, tend to bring into the mix when they visit.
Shiels gave other examples. "When someone is trying to share something about their life, like applying to a new job, someone being negative, like, 'Why would you want to work for Amazon? Don't you know that they're ruining the economy?'"
"Or if someone's talking about painting their kitchen cabinets and someone says, I heard painting the face of the cabinets reduces the value of the house." All the little comments that set teeth on edge.
According to the therapist, people who make these sorts of comments usually do so with pure intentions — but they need to stop anyway.
Shiels said her original intent with her video was to help people struggling with these kinds of family situations. But instead, she decided to speak to the relatives making the comments in the first place. "Stop it. It hurts people," she said. "And they're not oversensitive for being hurt."
She then explained that when our parents, in-laws, aunts, and uncles nag us like this, it's almost always done with good intentions. "I know why you do it," Shiels said. "You're not a monster. You probably think you're trying to help."
This negativity, she explained, usually comes from anxiety — Aunt Linda really is worried about you having too many plants and Amazon's working conditions and "the dangers of ugly paint drips," as Shiels put it. They're not "trying to be mean," she said.
But she clarified that people need to keep these thoughts in their brains, regardless of intent. As she bluntly put it, "Unless you ask first — oh, do you want my opinion on this? — It's not helping." Rather, "it's assuaging your own anxiety at the expense of your connection and relationship with others."
She also gave an important tip — "If you are this person, chances are no one's pointed this out." Meaning, that just because no one has ever complained about your critical nature, doesn't mean you're not making these negative comments!
And while Shiels stressed that it doesn't make you "a bad person, only an anxious person, probably," this type of nit-picking negativity "actually is harming your relationships."
"When someone shares something about their life, they're sharing a piece of them," she explained. "Try to say something positive. And if you can't, bring yourself to say 'Oh cool, being an Amazon driver will give you so much time to listen to cool podcasts.'"
Given how much time Shiels spends with clients on this issue, it seems like just those simple acts of positivity and kindness could go a long, long way. So this holiday season, and all the ones to come, try to keep it light. All anyone wants at the holidays is love and togetherness, anyway. That's the best gift of all.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice and human interest topics.