No, Your Parents' Divorce Doesn't Predict Your Future, But There's 3 Things That Do
Someone else's relationship has no control over your own.
PixelsEffect | Canva Both my mother and my sisters are divorced and I am, too. However, I don't believe that my mother's predicament could have predicted our divorce. After all, divorce is not genetic as some may (incorrectly) believe. There are plenty of people who have divorced parents, and the numbers keep on growing. But does this mean that their children will end up in the same predicament? Not necessarily. There are plenty of couples that have divorced parents who are happily married and have no desire to divorce. There are also those of you who may have family who never experienced divorce but you have.
It is true that during the ages of 0–6 children are at their most impressionable and pick up behaviors from their parents. And, in some cases, it can have a huge influence on how you are in a relationship or marriage. But there is such a thing as awareness and free will. While working with clients I have seen that there are predicting factors other than their parents going through a divorce that will play a much more important role in carving out their relationship future as it may do yours.
No, your parents' divorce doesn't predict your future, but these things do:
1. Have you taken responsibility for your own footsteps?
There will be a certain time in your life when taking responsibility for who you are and how you are in a relationship is no longer about your parents. Letting go of the story that your parents got a divorce and this means that you will too or that this is the reason that you did, is not true. It’s our responsibility as adults to let go of any conditioning that we may have to not repeat the same patterns over and over again.
2. Have you spent time learning about how relationships work?
It’s amazing how little time people spend on learning about what makes relationships work and what doesn’t. There seems to be a common belief that if we live on a planet full of human beings somehow we should just be able to get along. However, this is not the case. Why then do we rage war on one another, hear about abusive relationships, and see an exponential growth in divorce? It's important to understand and learn about them, it's just as important to learn about relationships as it is to learn about anything that we get ourselves involved in that we want to take seriously. Would you be able to drive a car if you didn’t learn how to first? No, of course, you wouldn’t. Relationships are the same. If you want to make a success of them and avoid divorce you need to learn the key principles that make them successful.
3. Have you worked on yourself?
It’s important to work on yourself and take responsibility for half of the dynamic of any relationship whether it is over or not. As the adage says, "It takes two to tango," which is true. A relationship dynamic is just like a dance. There is a push and pull and if you want to change the direction of where you are going, someone will need to take control of where you are heading. Fortunately, you have no control over anyone else other than yourself.
Taking responsibility is not about judging or blaming yourself. Instead, it involves looking at your part and seeing what needs to change, so you can evolve and grow to keep what works and what doesn’t. In short, your parents’ relationship will have had an impact on you, but it doesn’t mean that it controls your destiny. You control your destiny and that of your relationships, which means you can create whatever destiny you want for yourself.
Marina Pearson is an effortless living coach, international speaker, blogger, and best-selling author of Goodbye Mr. Ex.