New Mom Says 'I Hate Myself' For Snapping At Her Baby & 'Losing It' — 'There Is Nobody To Help Me'
Fellow moms assured her that what she's feeling is normal — and that she's doing a better job at motherhood than she realizes.
Vaillery / Shutterstock.com A new mom is struggling with the workload of motherhood — and blaming herself for how hard it is. Her Reddit post inspired an outpouring of support from moms who feel her pain, and it speaks volumes about the outsized pressure placed on today's parents.
The mom said she hates herself for snapping at her baby and 'losing it' due to the workload of motherhood.
"I can't stop snapping, and I hate myself for it," she wrote. "There is nobody to help me and take care of her for just a little bit so I can calm down. I don't know how to deal with this."
Nearly every parent in the world reading this is probably saying, "I hear you, sister," and scientific data backs up her experience, too.
Studies show women do a disproportionate amount of household and parenting labor — an average of 4.5 hours per day compared to men's 2.8 hours a day in the US, a trend that carries over into myriad other countries worldwide.
And it's resulting in an epidemic of parental burnout that an Ohio State study found also disproportionately affects women — 68% of moms said they were burned out compared to just 42% of dads.
This mom seems like she definitely falls into the burned-out camp. Just 18 months into motherhood, she says she feels like she's "losing it" under the workload.
The mom is furious with herself for losing her patience and frustrated by the unequal division of labor with her husband.
"I yelled at my 18-month-old a few times today in a really [bad] way," she continued. "Even went and left her in her room and closed the door and left her crying … I don't know how to deal with this."
She went on to explain that she "resents" her husband for working because, in addition to caring for their baby, she also does most of the housework. "He does help with feeding her dinner and giving her a shower before bed." He also cleans the bathroom and empties the dishwasher. "But that's about it. I do everything else myself.
She feels isolated, alone, and like she's failing as a mother.
"I'm mentioning all of this because I want to know if other people live like this and are okay mentally," she wrote. "Because I'm freaking losing it!"
"I love my daughter more than anything," she wrote, adding that her baby's constant whining and neediness are really getting to her. But she doesn't blame her daughter — she blames herself.
"She… needs lots of attention, which I understand is totally normal. What's not normal is her [terrible], stupid mom being [awful] to her for being a kid," she wrote.
"I'm so lost, so disappointed in myself, and I feel enormous amounts of guilt and shame," she continued. "This is not who I want to be… She deserves so much more than what I'm giving her. I truly hate myself."
Feeling overwhelmed is totally normal for new parents, and moms on Reddit gave her an outpouring of support.
"Hey, congratulations! You're human!" one 30-year-old single mom of two joked. "You are not a bad mom. You're not a bad wife. You're not a bad person. This is a learning process." She then added an all-important point: "When you're a good parent, you're always worried about being a good parent."
Others on Reddit gave her advice. "It's OK to leave your daughter in a safe place for a few minutes so you can calm down," one user wrote. "It's kinda like applying your own gas mask before helping others." Several mentioned getting screened for conditions like postpartum depression and anxiety, just in case.
But this new mom's story sheds light on an all-too-common situation, especially in this era when parents are working to unlearn and not replicate their own parents' mistakes. Anything less than flawless parenting perfection feels like failure.
Methods like gentle parenting, attachment parenting, and responsive parenting, which urge moms and dads to avoid anger and yelling in favor of more developmentally appropriate approaches, often make parents feel like they're monsters if they lose their cool.
But even gurus of these approaches, like so-called "Millennial parenting whisperer" and psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, say that it's not about avoiding your emotional responses because that's not possible. You're a human being — you're going to get angry and frustrated!
Rather, it's about "repairing" the situation when you do lose your cool so that your kids understand that emotions are okay and not dangerous and that they are still safe and loved. It's about modeling how to own and manage the full scope of your humanity, including your shortcomings.
Parenting is hard, and not a single person alive has ever done it flawlessly, even once. You're not bad if you fall short of 100% or even 50% every day. And you are absolutely not the only one feeling this pain, exhaustion, and frustration.
As another mom on Reddit put it, "You're only a bad parent if you recognize there's a problem and do nothing to fix it. We all get overwhelmed at times. You're not alone."
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.