Psychology Says If You Can Master These 5 Skills, You'll Finally Move Past A Really Bad Divorce
The new life you wanted is waiting for you.
shurkin_son | Shutterstock Going through a divorce is devastating. You not only lose the marriage and break up your family, you also lose the hopes and dreams you had for happiness, but you have to pick yourself up from the rubble and move on emotionally.
Here are five skills to master and finally move past a really bad divorce:
1. Let go of resentment
If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger — it's self-destructive, as explored by a study in the European Journal of Philosophy. Let go. Do your grieving, cry, journal, and talk about alone or with a trusted friend. Have a "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life. Put reminders away for a while.
2. Be open to professional viewpoints
Don't hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you're the one who left, you've lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. Research from The Handbook Of Clinical Issues In Couple Therapy shows how a professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present and plan for the future.
3. Take care of yourself financially
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A good lawyer can help you fight for your rights. You'll feel a lot less resentment if you get your fair share of the assets.
4. Enjoy time with friends and family
This is an important time to have your friends or family around you because you need support, as supported by research from The Journal of Divorce & Remarriage. Don't isolate. You don't have to go right out and date again (go slow with that), but you should have a social life with friends and family.
Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal and remind you that you still have people who love you. Spend a lot of time with people you trust.
5. Focus on building your life
This is a great time to try something other than a relationship — take a class, start a new business or career, or get a puppy. Give yourself plenty of time to heal before taking another chance on love.
You gave the marriage your best, but it ended in divorce. Resentment and anger are not going to get you to love yourself and rebuild your life, so you have to let go. A study in the Indian Journal of Psychiatric Social Work shows how letting go is not easy, it is a challenge. But, you survived the problems of the relationship, so you can survive the divorce and create a new path.
After you have grieved and said goodbye to your married life, you will find a new path open to a more authentic you.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist with over 40 years of experience in counseling individuals and couples. She is the author of 14 books in 17 languages.