10 Low-Key Signs A Man Isn't As Confident As He Seems On The Surface
Sometimes a man will put on a good show of confidence, when the truth is that he doesn't actually trust himself a whole lot.
Shutterstock / MAYA LAB A man might talk a good game, but if you notice these 10 low-key signs when you're interacting with him, chances are he isn't as confident as he seems on the surface.
Confidence generally falls into one of two categories: either a sense of certainty your ability to handle certain situations and circumstances or a belief in the accuracy of your judgments and perceptions. Confident people believe that they can handle situations with ease and grace, while people who lack confidence tend to doubt themselves.
Research has shown that confidence is considered attractive by both men and women, so it makes sense that people often pretend to be more confident than they really are. It’s not always easy to tell the difference between true confidence and false confidence. Just because a man has a confident demeanor, it doesn’t mean he’s truly so sure of himself underneath it all.
Here are 10 low-key signs a man isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface
1. He talks about other people’s flaws
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Talking about other people’s flaws is a low-key sign that a man isn’t as confident as he seems. Being flawed is an unavoidable part of being human, but a man who isn’t actually confident struggles to accept his shortcomings. In his pursuit of perfection, he focuses on other people’s negative personality traits to avoid shining a spotlight on himself.
This is often due to projection, a defense mechanism people use to "defend the ego against uncomfortable personal characteristics that would cause anxiety if they recognized them consciously." A man who isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface might project how he really feels onto the people around him, doing things like commenting on how fake or insecure someone is in an attempt to distract from noticing his own insecurities.
2. He tries to dominate conversations
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If a man tries to dominate conversations, it’s an indication that he’s less confident than he wants people to think. He acts overly assertive to make people think he’s more secure than he really is.
He might raise his voice and speak in a forceful tone, or he might commandeer the topic of conversation and make everything about him. A man who’s less confident than he seems will interrupt people, cutting them off mid-sentence to share what he thinks. He wants everyone to know how important and intelligent he is, even if he isn’t as smart as he pretends to be.
A truly confident man doesn’t need to be the loudest one in the room. He knows that listening is often more valuable than talking. His quiet confidence lends him an aura of mystery that draws other people to him. In contrast, a man who tries to control the flow of conversation usually isn’t as confident as he seems.
3. He avoids being vulnerable
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A man who isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface avoids being vulnerable because he worries that showing his sensitive side will make him seem weak. He has a hard time opening up, even to people he cares about. He changes the subject when someone asks him personal questions, because he’s scared of going deeper and sharing his true feelings.
Having a romantic relationship with a man who’s unable or unwilling to be vulnerable isn’t easy. You might feel like you don’t know him at all, even though you’re trying to peel back his self-protective layers. Vulnerability is the foundation of intimacy: In order to feel close, we need to let our guards down and invite other people in, no matter how scary it feels.
According to a phenomenon known as the Beautiful Mess Effect, while we think showing vulnerability will be taken as a sign of weakness, people actually to view displays of vulnerability from others as a sign of strength. It’s deeply human to try to avoid being vulnerable, but when we don’t show our true selves to others, we miss out on so much. In many ways, vulnerability is a practice. Every time we open up and shed a layer of armor, being our messy, authentic selves gets easier. Being vulnerable is hard, but it’s also completely worth it.
4. He has a self-deprecating sense of humor
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A man’s sense of humor is a strong indicator of how feels about himself. if he jokes about his flaws to make sure that other people don't do so first this may be another defense mechanism. He may think that putting himself down means no one else can hurt him.
A self-deprecating sense of humor is often a sign that someone was teased during childhood and it’s still affecting them now. Being teased when they were younger led them to internalize the mean-spirited things other people said about them. They joke about the aspects of their personality that they dislike in an effort to deflect people’s attention away from their insecurities.
These jokes give voice to his deepest fear: that he’s not worthy of being loved. While it takes work to rebuild feelings of worthiness, it’s an essential part of cultivating self-esteem.
5. He over-explains his decisions
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A man who over-explains the decisions he makes usually isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface. He reveals his lack of confidence by outlining his entire thought process, as though people might question his reasons or doubt his ability. He feels a deep need to justify his actions because he doesn’t fully trust himself.
Learning to trust your intuition requires slowing down and listening to your instincts, which isn’t particularly easy. We live in a fast-paced world, one where we can access entire universes of information with the swipe of a finger. Trusting your intuition takes practice.
There are actionable ways to strengthen that skill set, as a panel of YourTango experts points out. “Normally, we make decisions by constructing mental arguments,” they explain. “We compare and contrast, and we analyze. But, when it comes to instinct, it’s not about arguing, it’s about knowing… if you open yourself up to the experience, you realize that innate knowing has just as much (if not more value) as any other mental rhetoric you might construct.”
6. He gets defensive when people offer advice
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A low-key sign that a man isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface is that his defenses go up whenever someone tries to give him advice. He feels so threatened by the idea that he might need to improve himself that he reacts in an aggressive or dismissive way, shutting down the people who offer him guidance.
He’s resistant to any form of self-reflection because he’s worried about what he might uncover about himself. He’s scared that if he accepts advice, people might see him as anything other than perfect. This kind of insecurity manifests itself as a lack of curiosity and a rigid mindset. Why should he listen to what other people say? He doesn’t understand that self-improvement is a major part of life’s journey. We are always evolving, and in order to do so, we have to hear feedback and incorporate it into who we are.
7. He exaggerates his accomplishments
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A man who lacks confidence measures his self-worth according to external factors, like having a powerful job or driving a fancy car. He’s not satisfied with who he is at the core of his being, so he over-exaggerates his achievements to make himself appear important.
Despite talking himself up, a man who isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface doesn’t take on new challenges. He focuses on what he’s done well in the past, as his insecurity and fear of failure make him hesitant to push himself any further.
According to a research paper titled “Self-confidence and Personal Motivation,” a person who has confidence in their abilities tends to set ambitious goals and persist even in the face of adversity. The authors note that performance is determined by ability and effort, which means that having higher self-confidence “enhances the motivation to act.”
“When people expect to fail they fail quite effectively, and failure leads to failure more readily for individuals characterized with low self-esteem,” they conclude.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with being your own hype man, but someone who constantly brags about his accomplishments is often hiding a lack of confidence behind the things he’s done.
8. His personality changes depending on who he’s with
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A man who isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface shifts his personality depending on who he’s with. His need to be liked is so strong that he mirrors the people around him, changing the way he acts to suit them.
While it’s normal to present different parts of ourselves based on social settings, when a man completely changes his personality for others, it shows that he’s not secure enough in his own identity to just be himself.
Therapist James Brillon explains that being a social chameleon is often a self-protective measure. He notes that a shape-shifting personality “can also be a shell that you end up living within that protects anybody from noticing the real vulnerable self.”
“That true self for some people may be an aspect of themselves they’ve never actually met before,” he concludes.
9. He has closed-off body language
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The way someone holds themselves around other people says a lot about how confident they are. A man who’s truly confident seems comfortable in his own body. He has a relaxed posture, letting his arms hang loosely at his sides, as opposed to crossing his arms over his chest or fidgeting. A man who isn’t as confident as he seems tends to slouch and often has trouble making eye contact. He gives off a nervous energy because he’s not totally sure of himself.
In a TEDx Talk, Richard Petty, Chair of the Department of Psychology at Ohio State University, revealed why confidence is such a sought-after trait. He outlined the differences between confidence and self-esteem, explaining that self-esteem is how much a person likes themselves, while confidence is how sure a person is of their own self-judgment.
“You can be highly confident or doubtful in both a good or bad assessment of yourself, and every other opinion that you have in life,” he said. He also noted that we tend to associate having confidence with having success, which is a main reason why people want to seem confident.
“Confidence comes from many places,” Petty explained. “If you practice a lot, of course, you’ll be more confident in a skill, but [confidence] can come from standing up straight or nodding your head, so you can momentarily make yourself more confident.”
10. He’s overly concerned with how others see him
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Another low-key sign that a man isn’t as confident as he seems on the surface is that he’s overly concerned with how other people see him. He worries more about his image, appearance, and outside perception of those things then sharing who he really is.
He might stress out about which selfie he should post to Instagram. He might worry that people won’t think he’s cool because he didn’t go to a certain party. He might focus more on the materialistic parts of life than the deeper, substantive parts. He tries to make up for his lack of confidence by presenting a facade of effortlessness, but really, he’s a whirlwind of anxiety ready to explode.
True confidence means living your life according to your own dreams. It means showing up as the most authentic version of yourself and accepting yourself for who you are instead of trying to change for other people.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.