The Parenting Defeat That Taught Me To Let Go Of Holiday Perfection
I dreamed of giving my kids a memorable experience, but I was the one who learned the most.
The author I'm sharing this story as a holiday reminder to all the parents who try so hard to plan and do amazing things for their kids. While this is a lesson I try to learn year-round, it feels especially appropriate during the holidays.
During our family's recent trip to Cancun, I organized a special day-long excursion where my two sons, ages 12 and 14, and I got to sail on a catamaran to Las Isles de Mujeres and stop along the way to snorkel in one of the world’s largest coral reefs.
The highlight of the trip, which I spent a small fortune on, was something I have wanted to do with my kids for a long time: swim with the dolphins!
Well, let’s just say, things didn’t go as planned.
Courtesy of the author
While it was a gorgeous, perfect day to be sailing and we were all so grateful to be there, the boys were fidgety and a little bored on the boat. They are adolescents, after all! Once we got to the spot for snorkeling, my older son felt terrible and didn’t want to get in the water. I entreated him to get in, and noticed myself feeling increasingly agitated by his resistance.
But, no dice. No matter how hard I tried, he was staying on the boat. So, I relented and my younger son and I enjoyed swimming in the cool, clear water and seeing a few schools of fish before we continued our voyage to the island.
Finally, we got to the place with the dolphins. We had about an hour to kill before our session began. During that time, my older son became sick, annoyed, and exhausted. He fell asleep on one of the chaise lounges and when it was time for our dolphin adventure to begin, he refused. He just felt terrible — and I felt terrible for him.
I will admit, however, that I applied some pressure because I really wanted him to have this memorable, wonderful experience and for us to have it together as a family. And, well, it was a lot of money! But, he was insistent that he just felt too terribly to do it. So, again, I relented.
I let go of my expectations and accepted the sunk cost. I told him how sorry I was that he felt so badly and was missing this wonderful experience. Then my younger son and I headed onto the dock. We got into the water and it was so fun and so cool to interact with those gorgeous creatures. About ten minutes later, I looked up to see my older son, maybe 75 feet away, peering down at us. I waved my arm and urged him to join us.
And … he did! Though it was just for a few minutes, he “shook flippers” with a couple of the dolphins, got a kiss and the chance to run his hand on their velvety hides as they swam past us. Then he got out. He was still feeling crummy and did not want to swim with or get a ride on them or even spend another minute standing on the slimy platform, in the chilly water.
Even though things didn't go as planned, I was proud of all of us! My son rallied as best he could and I let go. And while it wasn’t the "perfect" adventure I had hoped, it offered us something else: acceptance. And even grace.
I gotta keep it real, here, friends. I have messed these moments up before due to my trying too hard to achieve perfect holidays or an or exceptional experience for and with my kids. Whether it resulted in meltdowns at Disney or feeling angry and lonely during Christmas or on vacation, when things didn’t go as planned and I was attached to an outcome, when I tried too hard to achieve a certain outcome for my kids, led to the opposite of what I dearly wanted for us as a family. This time, I was a whole lot wiser.
Courtesy of the author
I wanted so badly to do something cool and memorable for all of us. I wanted to give them a special experience, but the dolphin experience reminded me that sometimes the most meaningful moments aren’t about grand plans or expensive activities. They can simply be about being present and hanging out together.
In this case, I made space for what was happening for my son and, and I'm glad I did. Rather than being motivated by my emotions and expectations, I just let it go.
It reminded me how often we, as parents — especially at places like Disney, on vacations, or during the holidays — feel the pressure of these high-stakes moments and try so hard to make things perfect. But, often, we end up creating stress and conflict instead.
As we head into the holidays — a time when nearly everything feels expensive, there is so much stress and FOMO is everywhere — I’m reminding myself to be in the moment. Just putting up the Christmas tree and sitting near it in the evenings, feels special.
I know that when I stop trying so hard to make something magical, it almost always becomes meaningful, and sometimes even magical, on its own.
Andrea Miller is the founder and CEO of YourTango; host of the podcast “Getting Open;” an award-winning author of Radical Acceptance, The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love; and is a passionate relationship catalyst.