12 Lessons Schools Refuse To Teach That People Have To Learn The Hard Way
You'll learn these lessons no matter what, but some help getting there would sure be great.
4 PM production / Shutterstock The years we spend in school are supposed to teach us the skills we need to live a successful life, yet there are several crucial lessons schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way. The traditional education system focuses on academic skills, like writing essays and solving math problems, yet mastering those skills doesn’t actually help people succeed once they leave the classroom.
While a 2023 survey found that "91% of adults across the U.S., both parents and non-parents alike, say that it is important for schools to focus on developing life skills to help students catch up academically," many professional educators insist that doing so is a waste of time.
But neglecting to teach basic life skills and emotional awareness means that most people aren’t prepared for the inevitable challenges that come their way. They learn lessons the hard way, because schools refuse to teach them what they really need to know.
Here are 12 lessons schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way
1. Financial literacy is essential for economic stability
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Schools don’t teach financial literacy as a core course, which means that people have to learn how to manage their money the hard way. Graduating from high school is a pivotal point in anyone’s life, whether they go to college or immediately enter the workforce. Yet most 18-year-olds don’t have a solid understanding of how to be financially successful, since financial literacy is a lesson schools refuse to actually teach.
Edutopia, an education initiative, noted that “Several studies confirm that personal finance education in high school leads to less debt, higher credit scores, and greater savings, in college and beyond.”
They shared various ways schools can integrate financial literacy lessons into classroom instruction, starting from a young age. “In early grades, it’s useful for students to practice differentiating between what they want and what they need,” Edutopia explained. “Older students can benefit from more explicit instruction into how to budget their money.”
When schools actively teach students how to budget and manage their credit, it sets them up for success and more economic stability over the course of their lives.
2. Emotional intelligence matters
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Schools emphasize academic achievement over emotional development, which means that people learn all the elements on the periodic table, but they don’t learn how to deepen their emotional intelligence. Understanding, processing, and regulating emotions are all critical for success, yet emotional intelligence is often seen as a “soft skill,” which means that schools refuse to teach this essential life lesson.
As psychologist Nick Wignall pointed out, “We don’t struggle with emotions because something’s wrong with us; we struggle with them because we don’t understand how they work.”
“If you were never taught how numbers work, would you be surprised that you struggled to do math? Of course not. And yet, even though very few of us are ever taught how emotions work, we assume something’s wrong or defective in us when we struggle with emotional intelligence,” he explained.
Wignall defined emotional intelligence as “the ability to work with your emotions instead of fighting them or running away.”
He shared that “one of the most important skills you can cultivate to become more emotionally intelligent is learning to identify the subtle mental habits that precede difficult emotions. Because while you can’t control how you feel directly, you can control how you choose to think — and then indirectly, change the way you feel.”
“Your emotions are always valid even if they’re painful or unhelpful. It’s a lot easier to accept your painful emotions when you are in the habit of validating them first,” Wignall concluded.
When people understand their own emotional landscapes, they’re able to hold space for other people’s feelings without trying to fix them. This is a lesson that people have to learn the hard way, because schools refuse to teach emotional awareness.
3. Failure is part of being successful
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Another lesson schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way is that failure is part of being successful. In school, people learn that making mistakes is a bad thing. Remember how your stomach sank whenever you got a test back that was covered in red ink, underlining all your mistakes?
We learn from a young age that being “wrong” means we get a failing grade, which means we’re never going to amount to anything. Yet outside of the classroom, making mistakes can help us get ahead. Being wrong is part of learning how to do something right, which helps us grow and find success on our own terms.
At their first annual Brain Development Symposium, the UCLA Center for the Developing Adolescent posed an important question: is failing at new things good for learning?
As Catherine Hartley, a psychology and neuroscience professor, pointed out, “Failure is a key driver of exploration… and an important source of feedback.”
“You try something that doesn’t work, it’s an indication that you need to try something differently. It’s really a critical part of a process of adaptation,” she said.
She noted the importance of trying (and failing) at new things to build your skillsets and abilities.
“You have to create situations that present the opportunity to engage in new activities,” she said. “If you only continue to do the things you’re good at, you forgo the opportunity to discover the things that you haven’t tried yet that you might be great at.”
Doing things wrong leads us to get them right, which is why it’s so valuable to learn that failure is a step on the path to success, and not the stopping point.
4. Perfection doesn’t build true confidence
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Another lesson schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way is that perfection creates false confidence, while imperfection leads to being confident in the truest sense of the word. Most schools in the U.S. teach toward state-mandated standardized testing. Students learn how to get high scores on exams, which puts immense pressure on them to be perfect.
As life coach Archanaa Shyam noted, being self-critical is “the fundamental flaw of perfectionism.”
“There is an alternative,” she explained. “Appreciating progress.”
“When we are seeking perfection we will never be done,” Shyam revealed. “Think about all those different projects you have been trying to complete but there's always something that still needs to be done so it never really gets finished. As humans, we never seem satisfied and always find fault with ourselves and our circumstances.”
She pointed out that having perfectionist tendencies makes it hard for people to accept feedback that can help them grow. Aiming for progress, not perfection, allows people to release the impossible standards holding them back and actually get things done.
Shyam advised people to break their perfectionist tendencies by making each step of the process count.
“It could be a tiny step. It could be a big leap. But take each step forward, even if it’s small. Take one step forward because it counts,” she concluded.
Schools refuse to teach that perfection isn’t tenable in any reality, outside of scoring 100 on a test. As a result, people don’t learn the value of imperfection or letting themselves be “good enough,” which is crucial for self-acceptance.
5. Social connections are the key to finding opportunities
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A lesson schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way is that social skills are more important than anything else, when it comes to finding professional success. As much as people don’t want to admit it, having excellent social skills matters. More often than not, it’s our personal connections that make the most difference when it comes to getting ahead professionally.
Networking without being transactional requires people to make authentic connections, based on common goals and shared perspectives. It’s only through genuine connection that people feel heard and valued, which is how building a true social network happens. Treating people with respect and care is how strong relationships are formed, which opens doors to opportunities that otherwise would remain closed.
6. Listening is more important than speaking
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The importance of listening more than you speak is a lesson schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way. In a classroom setting, the kids who speak the most are seen as stellar students. Raising your hand and answering questions is framed as the way to be a strong performer, when outside of school, being a good listener is equally as important as having your voice heard.
Psychologist Nick Wignall shared that “truly great listeners… [are] exceptionally good at eliminating unhelpful tendencies and habits that get in the way of genuine listening and connection,” starting with their overall approach to conversations.
He pointed out that many people treat conversations like competitions “with the unconscious goal of winning and feeling justified and good about themselves,” yet releasing that urge helps people become better listeners.
“Instead of viewing conversations as competitions to be won, you’ll start to view them as acts of service that aren’t about you at all,” he shared.
Wignall also noted that entering conversations as problem-solvers is a common but misguided way to actually be a good listener.
“Most of us have been trained (and rewarded) by 20+ years of schooling to be exceptionally good problem-solvers,” he explained. “And for good reason: Solving problems is an incredibly valuable skill!”
Yet most people don’t want someone to fix their problems, they just want to be heard.
“The best conversations are about connection, not information,” Wignall revealed. “Good listeners help the other person to see that just because they have a problem doesn’t mean they are a problem. And the way they do that is by resisting the urge to solve problems or give advice at all and simply listening and offering support.”
“By resisting the urge to give advice and solve problems, you give the other person a far more valuable gift — the gift of validation,” he concluded.
7. Communication is the only way to solve conflicts
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Another lesson schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way is that direct communication is the only way to actually solve conflicts. People tend to think that pushing the hard parts of life away is a viable way of dealing with them, but the truth is, avoidance just makes things worse.
As life coach Alex Mathers made clear, “Great communicators are willing to go to uncomfortable places.”
“However, they are mindful of saying necessary things and coming from a place of genuine care for the listener, as opposed to insecurity and a need to inflict harm on another,” he continued. “This takes practice, but you should prioritize honesty in your communications to develop confidence in yourself and your speaking power.”
“Respectful honesty in communication significantly improves interpersonal relationships by fostering trust, promoting open dialogue, and minimizing conflict,” he concluded.
8. Workplace negotiation
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A lesson schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way is how to negotiate in the workplace to ensure they’re getting the compensation they deserve. Knowing your worth and advocating for yourself isn’t an inherent skill, and it’s not taught in the classroom, which means most people enter the workforce without having that essential experience under their belts.
Career coach Kendall Berg shared techniques for how to be successful in the corporate world when it comes to salary negotiations. “When I am talking to a recruiter, I am very clear of the [salary] range I am looking for,” she explained. “Always ask for 5 to 10K more than you think you need. Recruiters can try and go up and you can always come down if they make you an offer that’s less, but don’t sell yourself short right out the gate. Ask for more right from the onset.”
Berg shared guidance on how to navigate a low salary offer, saying, “If the offer is lower than what you asked for, you should counter. Period. Even if it is what you asked for, you should counter… It makes a huge difference if you do those negotiations with your recruiter and with your hiring manager. It’ll help you grow your salary a lot faster.”
Ultimately, Berg’s advice for workplace negotiation was to “Be kind about it, be direct, be to the point. Let them know what you’re looking for so you have a chance to work together.”
9. Neglecting your needs is harmful to your health
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Another lesson schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way is that neglecting your needs is harmful to your health. While you might be able to burn the candle on both ends for a little while, over time, you’ll wind up sick, exhausted, and completely depleted.
Certain academic environments push people to work so hard that they stop taking care of themselves in a holistic way. They prize immediate performance over longer term achievements, leading people to burn out. The idea that people should compromise their well-being for success at school or work is no way to live, and it’s a lesson people have to learn the hard way.
10. Stress management skills
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Being able to manage stress in a healthy way is another lesson schools refuse to teach that people learn the hard way. This lesson is directly connected to putting your physical and mental health needs above workplace accomplishments, which is a lifelong skill that’s not taught in school.
Brain training specialist and hypnosis practitioner Emilie Leyes shared the techniques she used to change her stress response and eliminate her panic attacks.
“Neuroscientists have discovered that the stress response only takes 90 seconds to move through and out of the body, and if it lasts longer than that, which it usually does for most of us, it’s being re-triggered by our thoughts and by what we put our attention on,” she said, noting that utilizing redirection is a healthy way to move through stress.
“Take some time to acknowledge that your body is trying to send you a signal,” Leyes said. “Give it some love, give it some gratitude, and then shift your attention away to something else that is true and positive in the present moment.”
“If you allow your body time to let that stress response leave, then it’s less likely to be re-triggered,” she explained.
Leyes shared another way she manages stress, which she described as “A kind of gratitude practice around the events that I am worried about.”
“I will write down 3 things that I’m looking forward to experiencing in that circumstance,” she said. “It’s not invalidating the very real stress responses that come up in circumstances that are hard, but it’s priming my brain to notice the moments I do enjoy.”
“After it’s over, I write down 3 things that went well and why,” she continued. “By bookending that experience with what I’m looking forward to and what did go well, is actually giving my brain evidence that that thing isn’t so scary and that I’m capable of handling it.”
11. Being authentic paves the way for long-term success
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A lesson schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way is that being authentic allows people to find their life’s purpose and be successful in whatever they do. People often make decisions based on what they think others want, which leads them farther away from living in an authentic way.
As life coach Debra Smouse revealed, “If you want to create and live a life you love, then you need to dig into who you are and what you really want.”
“Self-awareness allows you to be more authentic, even if being true to yourself means you make ‘unpopular’ choices,” she explained.
“Self-awareness is one of those soft skills they don’t teach in school but you need to have a better life. The choice to recognize the power it has to increase the quality of our life is worth the patience and the pain it will inevitably bring about,” Smouse continued.
“The process of becoming more self-aware can be awkward and uncomfortable, and it can seem easier on the surface to just pretend life is okay,” she shared. “Those uncomfortable feelings are doing an important job — they’re alerting you to some aspect of your life that needs tending or cultivated before you can move forward.”
You deserve to live a life you love,” Smouse concluded.”In order to create it, you need to know the most important tool you have to do so: knowing yourself.”
12. Reaching your goals isn’t always easy
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A lesson schools refuse to teach that people have to learn the hard way is that accomplishing what you’ve set out to do doesn't come easily, most of the time. It’s one thing to know yourself and set goals, and it’s something else entirely to do the work that will get you there. Committing to your dreams means putting in effort to make them come true, not just waiting for something magical to happen.
True, whole-hearted success requires people to work for it, and to stay open-minded and flexible along the way. Having the ability to assess the distance between where you are and where you want to go requires intentionality and adaptability, which are lessons most people learn the hard way, though they’re lessons that pay off in full over time.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.