7 Kind Habits That Are Actually Signs Of Self-Abandonment, According To A People-Pleasing Expert
Being kind to others doesn't always translate to being kind to yourself.
GaudiLab | Shutterstock In today’s world, kindness is often celebrated as a virtue, and it has been engraved in our minds since we were young. Phrases like “kill them with kindness” are what parents, guardians, and even teachers throughout our lives instill in us.
However, there’s a thin line between genuine kindness and people-pleasing behavior that can be detrimental to your well-being. Klara, a people-pleasing expert, took to social media to explain that many actions that we may have perceived as kind can actually be signs of self-abandonment. These seemingly innocent habits may appear to be acts of goodwill, but they often mask deeper issues of self-neglect and emotional suppression.
Seven habits that present as kindness but are really self-abandonment:
1. Suppressing your opinions or emotions to avoid conflict
One of the most common signs of people-pleasing behavior is suppressing your true feelings and opinions. Many people believe that it's easier to stay quiet and avoid expressing their emotions, particularly when, as Klara noted, "it's easier than to deal with someone's emotional outburst."
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While this may feel like an act of kindness, it’s actually a form of self-abandonment. By withholding your thoughts, you are sacrificing your authenticity and emotional well-being to avoid conflict. And hey, we get it. No one wants to start conflict. However, over time this can lead to feelings of resentment and isolation.
2. Agreeing with toxic behavior to keep peace
In life, you will find yourself in incidents where someone’s behavior is not right. Whether it is a personal or professional relationship, you may find yourself agreeing with toxic or harmful behavior simply to avoid confrontation.
This often happens in an attempt to protect others from discomfort or anger. However, agreeing with someone’s negative actions or enabling destructive behavior for the sake of harmony is a form of self-sacrifice. Career coach María Tomás-Keegan explained, "You might be thinking it is kinder to give in. Compromising may help you feel as if you fit in with the crowd better. Keeping everyone else happy at your own expense leads to losing yourself in all the compromising." She went on to say, "When it comes to the qualities and characteristics about you that make you unique and special, there should be no compromising."
This habit can diminish your self-esteem and make you feel powerless. At the end of the day, who would want that?
3. Pretending everything is fine when it's not
We’ve all done it and we all know where it leads. Another sign of self-abandonment is pretending everything is okay when, deep down, it’s not. This often occurs because you fear others will not understand or validate your feelings.
In a separate TikTok, Klara described her own difficulty with this habit. She noted, "I didn't want to 'burden' anyone so I kept everything to myself. But suppressing my feelings didn't make them go away — it just made me feel alone."
By masking your true emotions and acting as though nothing is wrong, you neglect your own emotional needs and avoid an opportunity for genuine connection. While this may seem like an act of kindness, it ultimately diminishes your emotional health and reinforces the habit of ignoring your true self in favor of maintaining a facade of perfection.
4. Giving in to family pressure and outdated traditions
Family traditions — you either love them or hate them. In the case that you hate them, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with family pressure, especially when it comes to participating in traditions or rituals that no longer serve them.
This is particularly true if those traditions make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy. However, giving into family pressure is another sign of self-abandonment. Even though you may think you’re being kind by going along with what others want, you are sacrificing your own happiness and comfort. It’s important to recognize when a tradition is no longer aligned with your values and to have the courage to prioritize your own well-being.
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5. Sacrificing your mental and emotional well-being for others
Constantly putting someone else’s needs over your own can make it easy to fall into the habit of sacrificing your mental and emotional well-being. You may feel obligated to ensure that others are never inconvenienced, even if it comes at the expense of your own happiness and peace of mind.
While this might seem like an act of kindness, it’s not. It’s actually a form of self-neglect. Continuously putting others’ needs before yours can lead to burnout, anxiety, and resentment. It’s important to remember that self-care is not selfish; in fact, taking care of yourself allows you to better support others in a healthy and sustainable way.
6. Maintaining the illusion of being the 'good' or 'reliable' one
People-pleasers strive to be looked at as the “good” or “reliable” friend — and don’t dare try to deny it. While being dependable can be a positive trait, when taken to an extreme, it becomes a mask to protect your self-worth.
Constantly striving to be the person others can count on, even at the expense of your own needs or desires, can lead to feelings of exhaustion and self-abandonment. You may start to prioritize others’ perceptions of you over your own happiness, leading to an unhealthy dynamic of self-sacrifice.
7. Prioritizing others’ comfort over your own
Lastly, one of the most significant signs of people-pleasing is consistently prioritizing other people’s comfort over your own. This habit often stems from a fear of creating tension or causing discomfort for others. Although, like we said before, it may seem natural to want to avoid conflict by neglecting your own comfort and emotional needs, it is actually detrimental to yourself. By always putting others first, you’re sending the message that your needs aren’t as important as theirs. Over time, this can cause you to lose touch with your own desires and boundaries.
While kindness is undeniably a valuable trait, it’s important to recognize when acts of kindness are actually rooted in people-pleasing behavior. Overcoming these patterns requires self-awareness, self-compassion, and the willingness to set healthy boundaries. By recognizing these signs, you can start to cultivate a healthier balance between kindness toward others and self-care, ultimately leading to a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Erika Ryan is a writer working on her bachelor's degree in Journalism. She is based in Florida and covers relationships, psychology, self-help, and human interest topics.