The 'Karpman Drama Triangle' Perfectly Explains Why It’s Hard To Leave A Narcissist
Can you break the cycle?
Mario Azzi | Unsplash, Billion Photos, Rein Krijgsman | Canva When you are grappling with whether to leave a relationship you may ask yourself if your partner is a narcissist.
I get this question a lot because what I specialize in is Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. By the time someone reaches me, they have pondered this question for a long while.
Pondered yes, but not settled with the thought. That piece of being okay with my partner is narcissistic doesn’t happen for a good bit of time, if ever, and this is why.
Why Is It Hard To Leave A Narcissistic Partner?
When you are in a relationship with someone high on the narcissism scale, you are not in a balanced dynamic. These types of partnerships are generally known to be emotionally abusive and unhealthy.
The kind of person who gets into a relationship with a narcissist is not the same kind of person at the end of that relationship. anyone can get into one. While some people have low self-esteem and a shattered sense of stability before entering into one of these relationships, that isn’t always the case.
Many times the person that gets sucked in comes from a stable background and had a functional sense of self. Narcissistic abuse robs you of that. It cuts you to your core and destabilizes even the most stable person.
The reason why is that a narcissist is like a chameleon. They morph into what you need them to be to suck you in at the beginning. This is generally known as the Love Bombing stage.
In this initial stage, they will be what you want and need for you to get hooked. This will look different to every person. This is why two different people get alternate versions of the same narcissist. If you have ever met the new supply, they will tell you what the narcissist is like for them and you may be shocked at how they act with them versus with you. This is because they needed something different from the narcissist than you did. Or because the narcissist needed something different from them.
For example: A narcissist may want money and admiration from one person, sex only from another, but want kids and the appearance of a stable life from a third person. They are going to transform into a different person from each other because what they want from each other is different.
This getting hooked stage is addictive. It is meant to breed interdependency and unhealthy coping mechanisms so you will accept poor behavior. You get hooked on the hot/cold cycle and before you know it, you are dysregulated and have a difficult time knowing which end is up. This time is marked by brain fog, confusion, and mood swings.
A healthy relationship does not have these things regularly. Everyone will have moments like this because we are human beings. The difference between these normal events and the way they present in a narcissistic relationship is 1. The frequency and 2. The extremes of the highs and lows.
This hot/cold cycle is meant to turn you into a co-dependent. You end up depending on them to validate you and supply you with all the love that you used to be able to give to yourself. It breaks down boundaries and forms a trauma bond with the narcissist.
One of the reasons this becomes a difficult situation to extricate yourself from is the Karpman Drama Triangle.
The Karpman Drama Triangle
The Karpman Drama Triangle describes the pattern that exists in all narcissistic relationships. It is a social model of dysfunctional human interactions.
Photo: The Karpman Drama Triangle/cpresleycoaching
This is the perfect way to explain a narcissist v/s codependent cycle.
If you are the type of person who loves to help others and is good at being the one who gets stuff done, then you may find yourself caught in this pattern.
The triangle consists of:
- Victim
- Rescuer
- Persecutor
These are moving parts. You move between the titles throughout the relationship.
Think about the things that have happened between you and the narcissist in your life. Were there times when they unfairly accused you of hurting them? When they were the ones hurting you? When they triangulated against you with a third party that they had told lies to about you?
Now try to put a label on which role you fit into at that moment.
The roles in this dynamic shift so fast it can make your head spin. In a single argument, you can go from being one to another within minutes.
They are all necessary to keep the dynamic alive. If you remove any piece from the equation, the whole thing falls apart.
There cannot be a victim if there is no persecutor, and there is no rescuer if no one is being victimized. Switch up the roles and it all remains the same. They are all vital pieces in this game.
This is why it is so hard to remove yourself from this pattern. You are an important player! No matter the current role you are in, you matter a lot in that role. And the game you are playing -> your life. Your place in the world you are existing within.
How are you supposed to just stop doing that?
RELATED: A Narcissist Is Just A 13-Year-Old In An Adult Body
It’s All Make Believe
It is important to keep in mind that this is a manufactured dynamic. It is not natural to be in a triangle that is spinning so fast. Your body and psyche are fighting for equilibrium but there is no stable ground to latch onto.
The instability makes everything uneasy, confusing, and painful. As hard as it is to take a step back, that is the only thing that will create safety for you.
This unhealthy cycle was fabricated by the narcissist to keep you in your place. It is a control method. If you are unsure about your next steps. If you are constantly walking on eggshells. If your self-esteem is worn down until you need the narcissist to function, then they can control you. That is the entire point of it. They want to control you.
They want you to remain a thing that they can extract energy from whenever they need it. You have ceased being a person and become a battery cell instead.
That is not fair.
RELATED: How To Deal With A Narcissist — 8 Smart & Simple Steps
Does It Matter If Your Partner Is A Narcissist?
Nope. It sure doesn’t.
What matters is whether you are safe and secure.
I know it is hard to think of your partner/ parent/ friend this way. A title like a narcissist is a hard one to come to grips with. It feels so cold and heartless to label someone this way.
Photo: Cottonbro Studio/Pexels
Instead, try to think of the facts.
- Do they lie to you?
- Do they manipulate you?
- Do they make you feel uncomfortable?
- Are they dangerous?
- Are you able to speak openly in their presence?
- Have you changed since being with them?
- Are you happy?
A label does not matter if you are not being treated well. It is not mean or selfish to leave someone who treats you poorly. It is the kindest thing you can do for yourself (and your kids if you have them).
RELATED: The Biggest Tell Of A Narcissist, According To Research
Cecilia Williams is a Narcissism Informed Life Coach who specializes in trauma, Cluster B disorder issues, and toxic family dynamics using Brainspotting and Somatic Reprogramming techniques to promote healing. She has articles published on Medium.com.