Isolation Has Forced Me To Stand Face-To-Face With My Most Shameful Addictions
The addictions that sparked the battle between my childhood self and my adulthood.
Stockbakery | Shutterstock, StockSnap | Canva I had a regular childhood like most. I played Tag with the neighborhood children. I watched cartoons on Saturday mornings in my pajamas while eating a mixing bowl of my favorite cereal. I walked through the house and saw porn on different size televisions. I danced like no one was watching — to the hit songs of the 90s. And I ate whatever my heart desired — not thinking about how much I would regret my diet in 20 years.
No. What you read was correct. There aren't any typos or sentences that need to be removed from that first paragraph. It was a normal thing — in my childhood. How about yours?
I guess I have a lot to thank my grandfather for — including him introducing me to the crap that I still eat today. He was my partner in crime. He would allow me to have the junk food and watch Beavis & Butt-Head when I was supposed to be sleeping.
He also indirectly introduced me to this world that I shouldn't have known existed as a child.
I say indirectly because it wasn't like I watched inappropriate things as a pastime with my grandfather — besides Beavis and Butt-Head. But it was normal for my grandfather to put on pornography while I was just causally walking through the house.
Throughout my teenage years, I was the friend who was like the old, boring woman to my friends. I was never pressured into doing drugs, underage drinking, or sex because my friends knew that I was an old soul and wasn't interested in following the crowd. I was just a nerdy girl trying to survive high school by focusing on the books and keeping my head down to avoid attracting attention in the hallways.
In college, I felt like temptation was surrounding me. This was the first time in my life that I was on my own, away from my family (in a completely different state), and making my own choices.
When my college years began, it was as if being homesick, never being romantically involved with a man, and having the freedom to do whatever I wanted completely separated me from the old soul I always took pride in being. It was like going from a familiar and safe place to a new world (within the college experience) brought forth parts of me that I didn't realize were lingering from my childhood.
Children are so impressionable. But I didn’t think that glances at pornography years prior would be how I coped with a lot of things during my college years. But you don’t realize what affects you until you dive deeper.
I never had friends throughout my life who would even mention anything about pornography. I wasn't a child who discovered it by looking up the wrong things online. It was presented to me in my own household. But I didn't start exploring this world of pornography because I wanted to be desired sexually or was trying to release sexual urges. I needed an escape. I needed a way to cope with things I couldn't change.
I never considered drugs, weed, or alcohol as coping mechanisms because those things weren't normal to me. I was never allowed to touch any type of alcohol, and I was never around people who did drugs or smoked weed. But the glimpses of porn seemed acceptable because my mother had no problem with me watching R-rated movies and shows with sex scenes in them. But again, you never know what does or doesn't affect you until something does.
My mother wasn't one of those parents who needed to lecture me about anything. My mother thought I was pretty smart, but even when you are a child with an old soul, you are still a child either way. I mean, my mother's sex talk didn't come until I hit puberty in third grade, and all she said was, "You know you can get pregnant, right?"
The point I’m trying to make is that everyone deals with different things growing up, but when these issues aren’t directly addressed or just swept under the rug, they resurface in another part of our lives.
But you may be thinking, "Teri, you were a grown woman when you started exploring grown folk things. Why does it matter if certain things resurface?"
I believe there is a right way and a wrong way to handle trauma or difficulties in our lives. Some coping mechanisms are designed to help us — and some were created to harm us — whether it's our mind, body, heart, or spirit.
I remember when I first went off to college. I was super homesick. My roommate was usually gone for the weekends or at least hanging elsewhere for hours. It was like second nature to grab food off campus and eat until I was sick. And it was normal to just spend time watching something that made me focus on feeling good rather than being sad. The homesickness passed after the first semester. I stopped relying on extracurricular activities to cope with my homesickness.
At age 20, I entered my first relationship. I had talked to other guys before, but I'm not sure what made me consider a long-distance relationship — especially for my first serious relationship. I was 21 when the relationship became the darkest part of my 20s. I was a junior in college and finally had a solo dorm room.
It was like a lightbulb had popped on in my head, telling me how to escape from reality — multiple times a day. I became addicted not only to porn but also to self-pleasure.
And now, I was of age to drink. So, yes. I have been drunk a couple of times in my life to numb the pain of the dumb decisions that I had made — particularly getting into an unhealthy relationship and trusting someone who didn't even give a rusty penny about himself. Drinking wasn't one of my addictions, but it wasn't a healthy way to cope.
Being addicted to something means exhibiting a compulsive, chronic, physiological, or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity. It had gotten to the point that I couldn't even start my day until I got my fix. But that's what an addiction includes — this idea that you can't function without something that is done in excess. But this time, I was also extremely depressed.
Once I got back into therapy and left the toxic relationship, I felt like I wasn't a prisoner to the addictions anymore. But it was like the devil knew how to test me through others — ironically, who were impactful throughout my childhood. I remember a couple of years before my mother passed, my mother, my grandfather, and I were sitting at the dining room table — drinking some wine.
My grandfather had gotten drunk. I was a little tipsy, and my mother hadn't drunk enough to even say she was enjoying a drink with her father and daughter. But my grandfather had blurted out the most inappropriate question that any grandfather could ever ask his granddaughter.
I am just going to share the clean version of his shocking question: “Teri, have you ever had sex?”
Why would any grandfather want to know about his grandchild's love life in this capacity if there wasn't something psychologically wrong? Yes. I understand that he was drunk, but I was always taught that a drunk tongue never lies. So, why would my personal life of this nature be on my grandfather's mind?
And my mother? When she heard him ask that disgusting question, my mom not only changed the subject, but she forgot that she was even his daughter and told him some choice words that would be an entire statement that would be beeped out on the radio.
I know this is weird, but sarcasm has kept me from completely losing my mind. So, I want to take the time to thank my grandfather — not just for introducing me to junk food that caused a possible food addiction. And I can't just thank him for being so careless that his sexual fantasies had to be a household event.
But I have to also thank him for making a life-altering choice that took the life of my mother — and led me back down that rabbit hole that I thought was locked away. I felt like death had already come for me, and my flesh was just moving and breathing without a soul. I was never alone for the first four months after my mother's death. If I was never alone, I wasn't thinking about what could make me feel good. I would be thinking about what could help me end it all.
I'm so thankful for being in therapy before my mother's death because my therapist helped me put so much into a new perspective. But if it weren't for me asking God to give me 100% peace in my life, I wouldn't be sharing this message today.
It's been two and a half years since my grandfather made a terrible decision that only God should be able to make. And for the last year and a half, I feel like I have been isolated from my family and anyone who I claim as a friend. Why?
- I am introverted. I lose energy being around others and gain energy when I am alone
- I'm still adjusting to my new normal
- I'm still grieving — but over time, that grief may turn into something positively extraordinary, but that's only if I stay productive through the process and trust the process
- I can't fight or acknowledge my demons if I'm always trying to distract myself with people, work, or social media. I have to face my demons face-to-face
My addictions don't own my mind, body, heart, or spirit. But it's an ongoing fight. It's not just 12 rounds but days, weeks, months, and years of walking toward a better and healthier way of coping with the things I can't change.
I remember the last time I felt the temptation come for me. I cried in the restroom at work because I was so stressed out and wanted to feel good. I just wanted to be happy. Rather than giving in to those past addictions, I just stood in the mirror, uncontrollably crying until I felt the strength just to continue my shift.
What may confuse you is why I am fighting against things that are supposed to be human nature. I was coping with life with one of the seven deadly sins: lust.
The seven deadly sins are the seven behaviors or feelings that inspire further sin. Lust is forbidden sexual desire, such as adultery, fantasizing about someone who isn't your spouse, or consuming content that sparks the urge to have sex — such as dirty magazines, provocative music videos, or porn. It makes the devil happy when we have no self-control as we give in to temptations (or addictions).
Temporary pleasures can cause a lifetime of pain if we allow those pleasures to consume our way of life.
I'm only human, and of course, I fall short every single day. But we can't expect our lives to improve if we always take the easier route to dealing with our problems, stressors, and traumas. The easy way is to follow the path the devil laid out for us because temptation is everywhere. But do you know who else is everywhere? God.
Tony Gaskins, a Christian relationship coach, stated that if we wouldn't do certain things around the physical presence of God, then why do we feel comfortable doing certain things within the spiritual presence of Him? I'm a child of God. I don't want Him to think I don't love Him because the world is filled with overwhelming things, and I often lose the battles. But what keeps me moving forward— and away from those past addictions — is knowing that God is bigger than any problem, feeling, thought, or desire that keeps me from becoming the woman He ultimately created me to be.
“What is addiction, really? It is a sign, a signal, a symptom of distress. It is a language that tells us about a plight [a dangerous, difficult, or unfortunate situation] that must be understood.” — Alice Miller
If you or someone you know is suffering from addiction, there are resources to get help. The process of recovery is not linear, but the first step to getting better is asking for help. For more information, referrals to local treatment facilities and support groups, and relevant links, visit SAMHSA’s website.
Tiffany N. Boyd's articles have been featured on Medium, and she serves as the creator and editor of her publication, The Straight Shot, alongside her current endeavor of writing her debut novel.