I Chose Not To Have A Child In An Era When That Was Considered Unthinkable
You have to realize your true capacities, and that's what I did.
Fizkes via Shutterstock & Los Muertos Crew via Pexels How do the challenges of finding good partners unfold for you and other serious women? This topic came up during an open wide-ranging conversation yesterday with my 32-year-old cousin as we discussed my lack of success connecting with a good potential partner and her own similar recent experiences. By now, I assumed women and men had created improved balance and mutual understanding in relationships.
There are a few reasons I chose not to have a child
A lack of healthy collaborations
I had hoped that women’s improved standing and flexibility in roles had at least made for healthier collaborations. Research published in The Journal of Economic Perspectives suggests not much has changed in the balance of power in many relationships over the years.
Yet, one change gives women more opportunities to take the initiative. Now, meeting and even serious relationships are often hatched online, as explored by Bernie Hogan, University of Oxford.
In my cousin’s situation, I could imagine most guys would have to be confident and mature to connect comfortably with such an appealing person. Not only is she an accomplished musician with impressive credentials as an MBA and accountant, but she’s also lovely. More important, she is kind with a good sense of humor, and smart about realities and expectations related to her challenging work. Modest, without guile and self-importance, she has yet to meet a potential partner through work, friends, or university study. Nor is she anxious about it.
The author's young cousin, Beatrice
Although each of us is unique, I felt a sense of poignancy when I could see she was experiencing situations similar to mine at her age. But she is smarter about it, avoiding the distracting detours I took with several inappropriate men over a few decades. In the past, I’ve written about my suspicion that I chose such poor matches on purpose to avoid marriage and to make up for “incomplete relationships” from early life. Propinquity, timing, and curiosity were other influences that I’ll spare you.
I experienced several detours in serious relationships
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A. via Shutterstock
Here’s a quick summary of my main detours so you can judge for yourself. I share them in the hope you will avoid any similar distractions from what you truly want in companionship.
Examples of the three serious ones are:
- A Turkish grad student 8 years older, met in my final undergrad Cornell year
- A guy from a totally different background (Protestant mid-westerner) four years younger, met at work in the State Department
- A journalist 8 years older with drinking issues and a Catholic background (the most engaging and stimulating!)
Now, the differences in background do not intrinsically rule them out. Yet, avoiding men from my urban Jewish background was a signal in itself. What was really crucial, though, were gaps in values, openness, and trust. Wobbly, inconsistent commitment on their parts was also characteristic.
The sticky glue I created kept me attached to the wrong men
Why did it take me so long to see this before finally breaking off each connection? I attribute that to several “glues” that perhaps you relate to in your own life.
- Sunk costs of time and experience that could not be taken back but kept me stuck in the illusion we/I could work things out.
- The unappreciated association of characteristics of each man with early important influences of my father, uncle, and cousin.
- Specious comfort of habit and predictability of long-term relationships led to procrastination about addressing issues.
Embracing or accepting their interest, especially when initial questionable impressions were ultimately borne out, exposes my suspicion that these men were unlikely partners. Probably, the underlying reason for these limiting choices in men was ambivalence about my commitment to marriage and motherhood.
Why choose or at least sustain for too long “impossible partners” for possible marriage? That’s in the context of my putative belief that the main rational reason for marriage is to create a healthy partnership for the difficulties, challenges, and pleasures of having and nurturing one or more children.
I observed the inequalities of marriages
Behind this ambivalence is what I noticed about actual marriages in my own family and a range of others. Usually, one person kept the couple together with work, compromise, accommodation, and resources such as time and emotional support. That person was the woman or the person in that role.
Often, there was also a tradeoff or deal, with the man tending to be the breadwinner and the woman “everything else.” In other words, there was an unbalanced tendency with one person as the giver. If there were one or more children, the giver tended to be the woman, the mother with the most difficult, unremitting “job.”
I was very lucky with my parents, who had a healthy marriage for their generation and were committed to raising me consciously and well. Nor were they the kind who pushed me to marry. Their self-awareness and smarts made me wonder how they got that way and why, in this rich society, so little attention is given to training couples for effective marriages and parenting.
As with my parents, over time, there can be an evening out of shared responsibilities, especially if the giver becomes more specifically assertive and self-sufficient. But often, that was not the case I observed a range of marriages in varying cultures and ages. Habits and surrounding norms contribute to sticking with the inertia of old routines, as described by Baruch Shimoni, professor of sociology and organization development.
I couldn't agree to the "deal"
Ground Picture via Shutterstock
To my practical mind, I had not met even a possible partner to make that “deal” viable, fair, and attractive. And in my heart of hearts, I did not want to be part of such a disproportionate, unfair relationship. The ultimately unsatisfying arrangement did not offset the hard work and indeterminate chance to be a mother. That was not important enough to me to commit to someone I did not respect nor did not offer a fair sharing of capacities.
Not that there are not plenty of good-to-great marriages, assuming we even know what goes on within them. One example is former IBM CEO Ginni Rometty and her husband Mark. They are a stellar example of mutual support and separate professional success. In their 43 years of marriage, he has always encouraged her. They have not had children, but much of her focus in work now relates to nurturing and encouraging others.
In my situation, there was another unknown as well. Since my parents were cousins, who knows what genetic issues may have influenced the nature of a child? In any event, the outcome is a shot in the dark, as it were!
You may think that adoption and artificial insemination could have been viable alternatives, as two of my single friends chose to do. They were the truly brave ones and have had two marvelous, interesting daughters as a result.
How do your values and goals mesh with a situation and person?
Rather than succumb to reacting to what comes your way or imposed conventional norms, be clear about what you truly want. Be encouraged to summon your strengths, as suggested in my doctoral dissertation, to act in your interest and to benefit all involved. Courage is a process of becoming that involves the willingness to realize your true capacities by going through discomfort, fear, anxiety, or suffering and taking wholehearted, responsible action.
For example, One way I found bridges to my values without marriage was through friendships and my professional work. I kept refining my professional focus of writing, consulting, and nurturing others to promote self-appreciation of their powers and actions. In my friendships, I developed healthier, balanced relationships where give and take, leavened by humor and honesty, strengthened us all. And I kept learning and capturing insights for growth, as this article aims to show. I hope the ways of living well you create meet your goals and interests.
Ruth Schimel Ph.D. is a career and life management consultant and author of the Choose Courage series. She guides clients in accessing their strengths and making viable visions for current and future work and life situations.