3 Phrases The Savviest Small Talkers Use To Connect With People
Small talk is just another way for people to feel connected to one another.
Christina Wocintechchat | Unsplash We like to hate small talk a lot because it’s seemingly meaningless. Maybe it is, or maybe we aren’t looking at it correctly. Really, behind every cliché question is a subtle but effective intention to connect — and the savviest small talkers use these phrases to do just that.
Here are the phrases the savviest small talkers use to connect with people:
1. 'How have you been doing?'
Research published by Stanford Medicine explained that this demonstrates genuine interest, encourages vulnerability, and opens the door for deeper conversation, which fosters a sense of connection and rapport. The social exchange theory suggests that people are motivated to maintain relationships where they perceive a balance of giving and receiving, making asking about someone's well-being a positive social exchange.
2. 'Are you seeing anyone?'
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Research published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin explained that asking someone if they are dating anyone can help you connect with people by facilitating self-disclosure, creating a sense of curiosity and interest, and allowing for potentially shared experiences to be explored, ultimately building rapport and fostering a deeper connection.
This aligns with the concept of reciprocal self-disclosure, where revealing personal information can lead to increased closeness between individuals.
3. 'How is work going?'
Are you fulfilled? Do you feel like your life has a purpose? Do you feel like you have a purpose?
I’m not advocating for us to completely replace small talk with the Real Questions. I do think that we can find unparalleled beauty in even the most ordinary and common ways of communication.
Because, at the end of the day, we are all just trying to be okay. We just want to feel a part of something larger. Or, maybe some days we want to let ourselves feel as small as possible.
The point is, that no one will ever stop asking these questions. Isn’t that something a little special? I know we think these are just words to fill conversational voids, but there has to be a part of us that genuinely wants to know.
I want to know where and why my friends are hurting. I want to know where they’ve healed and what they’re looking forward to.
This is a powerful way to connect with them because it demonstrates genuine interest, encourages vulnerability, and opens the door for deeper conversation. Research from the American Psychological Association explained that this is largely due to the principle of active listening and the positive impact of feeling seen and valued by another person.
I want to know if they feel as happy and loved as they deserve. I want to know that the inevitable pain of this life isn’t completely crushing their spirit, as it so often can.
I want to hear about what this stranger does for a living and whether or not it interests them or merely pays the bills. I want to know what they would do with their time if they didn’t have these bills to pay.
I want to give them a seemingly empty compliment on whatever they’re wearing just so they can tell me where they bought it, how long they’ve had it, or who gifted it to them. I want to try to gauge just how much life is beating them at this very moment, which you can sometimes tell from such a simple question.
The only thing I don’t want is to hear that everything is fine. In a universe as vast as this one, where it’s a mere miracle to be alive each day, I don’t want us to take it for granted.
When we say things are fine we are unintentionally locking down the joys of simple initial connection by being lazy. This life is everything but fine, and small talk is anything but small.
Erin Cinney is a freelance writer who focuses on mental health and lifestyle topics. Her work has been published in The Daily Caller, Thought Catalog, and Medium.