5 Unique Ways Loneliness Affects Men Later In Life & How To Solve The Problem
The Surgeon General has declared loneliness a national epidemic, and mature men are victims of this trend.
Javier Sánchez Mingorance | Canva I’m not lonely, but I do call myself an extroverted introvert. When my son was younger and more easily embarrassed by me, he said, “God, dad! You’ll talk to anyone!"
It’s true, and he now sees it as a virtue as long as I’m not talking on his behalf.
Despite my ease in talking to anyone, I often prefer solitude and rarely am uncomfortable when being alone is not by immediate choice. Perhaps the years of being a professional listener increased my enjoyment of solitude, but for many mature men, loneliness is taking a heavy toll on their well-being.
The many ways loneliness affects men as we get older
1. The problem: Humans are social animals.
One of my best friends recently acknowledged he is lonely. “After living here for ten years,” he said, “I have no friends. I would just like to have someone to talk to”.
Medically, he cannot drive, and he lives in the suburbs of a small city in the western U.S., so he depends on his wife for transportation. He is passive and not much of an initiator. What can he do to further his wish for connection? No one will come knocking on his door, so changing the circumstances is solely up to him. My friend has medical barriers to social engagement, but his psychological condition is his primary obstacle.
Dan Rather recently interviewed the Surgeon General of the United States, who has declared loneliness to be so pervasive our social fabric is unraveling. Social isolation, fostered by the pandemic, digital excess, and the general loss of neighborliness is rapidly becoming the norm. Lonely people are less likely to vote, care about their community, or reach out to other people. Good relationships are the single most significant unmet needs in society.
So, what can we do? The most obvious antidote to loneliness is connection and engagement.
Humans are social animals. We need connection, even emotional connection, to thrive and understand ourselves well enough to grow and change. Loneliness is often unrecognized, unexpressed, and denied by men. It rises as a biological response to an absence of connection and has ramifications for emotional, mental, and physical health, self, and familial solidarity.
2. Men tend to lose touch with friends as they age
For boys, the connection begins with parallel engagement in play. As boys grow into men, it’s sports, work, recreation, sometimes debate or political action. Meg Jay in The Defining Decade, a brilliant book aimed at young people in their 20s and 30s, describes different types of ties we build with others: weak ties (people who we know a little, friends of friends, husbands of our wives, coworkers) and strong ties (the people we know well and who we can count on or who we just like).
By the time men retire, they have forged strong ties but are often geographically distant from one another.
When nurtured, weak ties often lead to social expansion, new interests like volunteerism, community engagement, and possible strong ties.
3. How do men seek connection?
Men seem less inclined to be proactive about planning a meet-up unless the planning is for sports, work, playing cards, or other activities where the focus is not an emotional connection. Additionally, men reach out or respond mainly to strong ties who live nearby.
We play (or work) with each other and only spend purposeful time with one another in those circumstances. As we get older, ties weak and strong become less a part of our lives, and we become less social and more lonely.
While women often initiate a connection to talk, men seem to need a reason — arranging an activity, solving a work problem, getting advice, or borrowing a tool.
4. Retirement can be a catalyst for connection if men want it
For some men, retirement can stimulate the cultivation of weak ties by activity, like golf for men of means, but also by community service.
A lot of retired men I know now work in a food bank or offer their skills and talents to kids or older neighbors. It does take some effort to get started, especially if it’s a new attempt and one is uncertain if the effort will be accepted, appreciated, and reciprocated. This is significant because men are sensitive to rejection.
5. Our beliefs around friendship shape our reality
I cherish solitude, and I don’t personally feel lonely. Working as a counselor for 40 years gives me a particular view. However, my friend is lonely, and as we talked, we both realized neither of us had been taking the initiative. Me because of busy procrastination, and him because of a certain “refusal” to be the one who always makes the calls.
He has become resentful after many years of rarely getting a call from friends. He now concludes those he counted as friends when they were geographically nearby aren’t, and I disagree. I believe stubbornly sticking to this conclusion leads to many more years of no contact, lost friendships, and increased loneliness.
Two pieces of advice from one mature man to others:
1. Be curious about something, even if it feels forced at first
The friend I mentioned above isn’t “up to” anything and perhaps believes others are similarly idle. Yet. if he initiates a call, the person on the other end is happy to hear from him and would like to know what he’s “up to”.
Lonely men should follow this advice and reach out and seek connection on purpose, even when being the initiator. Men who are not interested may be suffering the most, men who are lonely even in their marriages.
They hopefully will decide, “What the heck…next time I see a neighbor I don’t know, I’ll just go to him and say “hi” and be curious about something or ask for advice about even if I don’t need it.”
People generally like to talk about themselves and give advice if they’re not suspicious of motive or intent.
2. Nothing changes unless you change a little
At the end of our hour-long conversation, my friend mentioned he had thought about going to the local Senior Center, community gathering place, or the YMCA. In the end, he agreed there was nothing to lose by trying my advice.
“Just go and see what happens,” I said. After all, he’d moved to this city 10 years ago and still had no friends.
He’s a smart, well-read baseball lover who has no friends simply because he was not trying. He agreed he’d like to find someone to talk to.
I believe these changes can help him have a different experience. I’ve found lots of people like to talk about themselves and their interests. There’s a sign I’ve seen in some people’s houses: “Strangers are friends I haven’t met yet.”
Maybe he’ll try to reach out to someone new or stubbornly blow on the ember of old friendships. If he does, he will find people who, like him, want someone to talk to or to do something with. He can do it, and can you too.
After all, you can’t know what might happen unless you try.
William "Bill" Meleney is a Washington state-licensed mental health counselor, licensed marriage and family therapist, psychotherapist, and life coach. He has 30 years of experience and expertise in helping clients deal with relationships, parenting, and mental health.