How To Help A Struggling Friend When You Have No Idea What To Do
How to show love in three clear steps.
Lithiumphoto | Shutterstock We have all been there when someone you care about seems upset, you want to help, but you are not quite sure what to do. Do you hug them? Do you try to talk it out? Or maybe just leave them alone?
Sometimes, in our eagerness to help, we end up doing what we think is best, rather than what they really need. That’s where a simple, three-option approach can make all the difference.
Here’s the simple 3-step way to support someone who is struggling
1. Check in with empathy
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Start with a simple, genuine question, “Hey, are you OK?”
This opens the door for them to share, but it’s also broad enough that they do not feel pressured to dive into details right away. This must come from a place of genuine concern, not just habit or obligation.
If they say they are not OK, or if they hesitate, that is your cue to move on to the next step.
2. Offer the three options
Here is where the magic happens. After you have checked in and they've indicated something is off, offer them a choice:
“Is there anything I can do to help? I can give you three options: We can talk about it, I can give you some space, or I can try to distract you for a bit.”
Let’s break down why this works so well:
Option 1: "We Can Talk About It"
This is for when they need to unload, vent, or simply have someone listen. A study on supportive listening suggests talking things out can be incredibly therapeutic, but not everyone is ready to do it right away. By offering this as one of the options, you’re giving them a chance to choose it if they’re ready.
Option 2: "I Can Give You Some Space"
Sometimes, what a person needs most is a little breathing room. Maybe they need time to process their emotions or just don’t feel like talking yet. Offering to give them space shows you respect their need for solitude without making them feel abandoned, as supported by research on the costs and benefits of solitude.
Option 3: "I Can Try to Distract You"
A study of young adults battling cancer shows how distractions can be a wonderful way to take someone’s mind off their troubles, even if just for a little while. Whether it’s watching a funny video, going for a walk, or doing something else light-hearted, this option says, “I’m here for you, but let’s take a break from the heavy stuff.”
3. Let them choose—and be flexible
The beauty of this approach is it puts the power in their hands. You are offering help, but you’re not dictating how the help should look. This can be incredibly empowering for someone who’s feeling overwhelmed or out of control.
But here’s the key: Be prepared to be flexible. When you offer someone these three options, understand their initial choice might not be final. They could select one option, and halfway through, realize it’s not what they need after all. And that’s perfectly OK. It’s important to remind them they’re not locked into their first decision; they have the freedom to shift gears if something else feels more right as they go along.
This fluidity in decision-making is crucial. It acknowledges how needs and feelings can evolve, sometimes unexpectedly. They might need a bit of time to explore what truly resonates with them, or they might want to try different approaches before settling on the one that feels best. Your role is to support them through this process, ensuring they feel comfortable and empowered to make adjustments along the way.
Remember, the goal is not to stick rigidly to a single path but to create an environment where they feel safe to change their mind. By doing so, you are allowing them to take the lead in how the situation unfolds, which is ultimately more empowering and respectful of their individual needs.
Why this process works
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Offering these three options works because it’s simple, straightforward, and puts the person’s needs first. When someone is upset, they might not know what they need, and it’s easy to feel stuck or even more frustrated. By giving them a clear set of choices, you are helping them identify what might make them feel better, without overwhelming them with too many possibilities.
Plus, it’s a way of showing you care about their well-being in a simple, effective way to offer support, and it might just be exactly what they need to start feeling a little bit better way, not pushy or intrusive. It’s a way of saying, “I’m here for you, in whatever way you need me to be.”
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So next time you find yourself in a tricky spot where someone you care about is not OK, remember the three-option approach. It is a simple, effective way to offer support, and it might just be exactly what they need to start feeling a little bit better.
Erika Jordan is an internationally acclaimed love and relationship expert, NLP practitioner, author, media personality, and a leader in the field of digital romance and online dating.