How The Rise Of Healthy Dating Standards Is 'Screwing Over' Men
The number of lonely, single men is rapidly growing.
Afta Putta Gunawan, Mangostar Studio | Canva Many of my straight female friends are single. Almost all of them, by choice. And honestly? I don’t blame them. Before meeting my current partner a few years ago, I was in their shoes, and I remember how hard it was to find someone who was a genuinely good person and single at the same time.
I even gave up for a while, as well. However, while an increasing number of heterosexual women are becoming comfortable and happy with staying single, this situation seems a bit different when it comes to men.
A recent article written by psychologist Greg Matos for Psychology Today suggests that the number of ‘lonely, single men’ is rapidly growing. It also cites a study that found that men are now ‘more likely than women to be unpartnered, which wasn’t the case 30 years ago.’ Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. This situation has been decades in the making.
So what’s exactly behind this epidemic of ‘lonely, single men?’ And are straight relationships doomed forever?
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It should come as no surprise to anyone that in most heterosexual couples, it’s still women who carry the burden of unpaid labor, as studies show — which the sociologist Arlie Hochschild coined as the ‘second shift.’
Women do most of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, childcare, household management, ensuring everyone is happy and healthy, etc. And that’s true even if both partners work full-time and even when women are the primary breadwinner.
A study from the Melbourne Institute found that, on average, women do 21 hours more unpaid work than men, with the gap more pronounced in couples with young children. Yikes. But sadly, the picture is equally bleak when it comes to your love life.
Because it turns out that heterosexual women have the least satisfying intimate life out of … literally everyone, according to a study that surveyed more than 52,000 adults of different sexual identities.
And while heterosexual men report that they finish 95% of the time, heterosexual women finish just 65% of the time — which is the so-called ‘climax gap.’ On top of all that, women are six times more likely, according to research, to end up separated or divorced if they are diagnosed with a severe illness than if their male partners were facing the same situation.
Research has also confirmed women are far more likely to suffer domestic abuse at the hands of their male partners than vice versa, including sexual violence, physical, psychological, or emotional abuse, and violence that results in injury or death. In the UK alone, an average of three women are murdered every fortnight by their male partner or ex-partner. So let me get this straight.
Women in heterosexual relationships do the majority of the unpaid, domestic labor — even if they work full-time as well — while simultaneously not getting as much intimate pleasure as their partners and putting themselves at significant risk of getting abused, raped, or murdered and if they ever get seriously sick, they might not even have someone to care for them anyway.
Right. It’s a no-brainer that more women would rather avoid all that and be single. And those that do and remain unmarried and childless are not surprisingly the happiest demographic.
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But the real question here is, why have women been putting up with these gender disparities for so long?
When it comes to the reality of heterosexual relationships, the most significant difference between a good few decades ago and now is women’s participation in the workforce.
Or rather, lack thereof back in the day. Sure, some women in the Western world did work, and they were limited to what was considered a ‘woman’s job’ — being a teacher, nurse, stewardess, librarian, or secretary. But most of them didn’t.
And that’s not only because the working world wasn’t exactly women-friendly and women had little to no choice in life, generally speaking, but also because single-income households were actually possible.
Unlike now, thanks to the nightmare we call late-stage capitalism. And today, sometimes, it’s women who are the primary breadwinners. Sometimes it’s men. But most of the time, both halves of the couple work.
This means that when women are looking for a partner, the fact that a man can provide for them, well, isn’t as important as it used to be. After all, we can provide for ourselves now.
And we don’t exactly need to be in a relationship with men, unlike the ‘good, old days' when we couldn’t even have a bank account or credit card without a male co-signer. (By the way, it wasn’t until 1974 in the US and 1975 in the UK that these laws changed.)
So when we do want to find a mate today, we want something more than just someone who will provide. In particular, seeing how modern relationships too often aren’t that good of a deal for women.
In Matos’s recent article for Psychology Today, he says he regularly holds roundtable-like discussions with women ages 25 to 45 on what they’re looking for in men and often hears that they ‘prefer men who are emotionally available, good communicators, and share similar values.’
In other words: men who meet healthy relationship standards. But these aren’t exactly fitting descriptors for many single straight men out there, are they? Not really.
That’s why later in his article, Matos says that if all those single men out there want to change their relationship situation, they must first work on their skills deficit.
And most importantly, on skills required for emotional connection, which are, unfortunately, not consistently taught to many young boys. Because ‘boys are easier to raise,’ ‘boys don’t cry, ‘boys will be boys,’ and other patriarchal garbage we’d all be better off without. Unlike women, men are typically much happier and healthier when partnered. Some studies even found that they live longer if they get married.
So it’s no wonder why those who fail to meet the healthy relationship standards established by women tired of putting up with anything just for the sake of not being single aren’t happy.
Young and middle-aged men today are the loneliest they’ve ever been in generations. And it’s probably going to get a lot worse.
Now, I know some people love to label me as a ‘man-hater’ while purposefully misquoting my own work — thanks for that, by the way — but even I, the aggressive man-hater, do care about the fact that so many men struggle today.
And at the same time, many of us probably already know — often firsthand — that lonely men can be dangerous. Not only to themselves but to society at large.
Because growing numbers of ‘lonely, single men’ sounds like a recipe for more self-victimizing incels, radicalized misogynists, more anti-feminist backlash, and more heated discussions on the internet that frequently breed real-life violence. So what’s the solution here?
Well, if you ask that question to a more, let’s call it a ‘traditional’ crowd, they’d probably answer we should just go back to the ‘good, old days.’ And for that to happen, women would have to forego their current standards, their hard-won independence, and, once again, become a man’s mother-maid-therapist-assistant-cook.
But although it’s not surprising why the past has such a ‘romantic’ appeal to some men today, expecting women to be okay with doing everything for everyone at the expense of their happiness just isn’t going to work anymore.
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How about instead of blaming women for wanting to be in healthy, loving relationships that don’t require them to lose their sleep and work themselves to death and cater to their emotionally unavailable partner’s every need, it’s single straight men who step up?
And finally recognize that if they don’t wish to remain single forever, they might need to change a thing or two. But, most importantly, to commit to themselves first.
To commit to their mental health. To value their internal world. To address their skills gap. And to see romance, intimacy, and emotional connection worthy of their time and effort.
Because they very much are. However, all that alone isn’t going to be enough to fix this complex situation.
It’s also up to parents to stop raising boys for a world that doesn’t exist anymore. A world where men are expected to be tough, emotionless walking wallets that get away with problematic behavior simply on account of being born male. Because while we’ve done a good job raising girls to be empowered and independent, it seems like we’ve forgotten about boys.
And that’s a shame. One right women haven’t lost yet is to swipe left on as many emotionally unavailable men stuck in the past that’s never coming back as we, please.
And to deny us that right and force us to settle for less because there’s an epidemic of ‘single, lonely men’ is absurd. And wrong. But it’s equally wrong to claim that these men should then just die alone or kill themselves.
I do hope, though, that by withholding our love from men who don’t deserve it today, they’ll eventually change their attitudes and try to become better partners in more egalitarian relationships. Or get comfortable with being single. Otherwise, this isn’t going to end well for anyone.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Katie Jgln is a writer, satirist, social scientist, and activist whose work covers gender equality issues, pop culture, and trending news. She has bylines in Scary Mommy, Daily Mail, and others.