How I Embraced The Dark Night Of My Soul
This process is challenging and uncomfortable, but only by fully embracing all aspects of ourselves will we find inner peace and acceptance.
rvimages | Getty Images Signature / BGStock72 | Canva / Peopleimages.com-YuriArcurs | canva My deep dive into what is typically considered something to run away from has been going on for most of my life. The journey began in 2005 when I first read Thomas Moore’s Dark Nights of the Soul. I was 47 at the time. But the shoes I wore on that journey were given to me 43 years earlier.
In December 1961, I boarded a Miami-bound Pan Am prop plane with my mom at Havana’s Jose Marti Airport. We were leaving behind my dad and the rest of our family. I wouldn’t see many of them again until 54 years later when, accompanied by my partner, my mom and I returned to Cuba to bury my dad’s ashes.
Even then, as a timid only child, I could sense a dark night brewing within. Today, I would be labeled an empath. But as a 3-year-old, I just felt that something big was happening.
In my pre-teen years, I suffered panic attacks. I went through an existential and metaphysical crisis prompted by … nothing. I had a perfect life, parents who adored me, and a lightness about me that I thought all kids my age felt.
I was too young to have a crisis of the spirit, but there I was.
My Catholic education and my parents’ very progressive spiritual beliefs carried me through years of questioning the existence of God and the meaning of life. My dark night, it seemed, was ending. I could relax, knowing I had conquered it. But dark nights are not a one-time event.
Losing my religion, finding my faith
The years that followed were filled with other dark nights, but my core spiritual beliefs that everything is perfect the way it is faced challenges along the way.
I moved from New York to Florida following a dream of having my own business and the person who could make it happen. But a few years later, I lost that business to the person I’d uplifted my life to follow, and another dark night followed.
That dark night ended when I was offered a dream job working for a television news station within walking distance from my house. I lost myself in the joy of it all, thinking I was finally done with this dark night thing once and for all. I thought I had everything figured out.
But life jolted me back to reality.
Within 18 months, I lost a cousin who was like a brother to me, my dad, and my beloved miniature dachshund, who had been my most loyal companion through the grief.
The positive attitude and beliefs I’d held all my life were no longer enough to carry me through the darkness.
That’s when my drinking began … drinking that almost cost me everything and everyone I treasured.
One night, I fell to my knees — literally — and surrendered.
The only way out of the dark night was through it.
The benefits of embracing the dark night
The benefits of embracing the dark night and loving it like a trusted guide and mentor instead of shunning it like an evil monster out to destroy us far outweigh the pain we suffer while going through a dark night.
Our tendency as human beings is to avoid darkness — especially the darkness within — like a cat avoids water. It’s as if by denying the darkness, it will go away.
"We want light, not darkness!" we demand of the Universe.
But what if the Universe’s answer is in the darkness we seek to avoid?
We suppress our dark nights, thinking it is something negative or shameful. We put on a happy face regardless of how we feel because nobody likes a Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer. We don’t want to bring others down with our "bad moods."
"In your darkness, you are in the belly of a whale with nothing to do but be carried along." — Thomas Moore
You might think that denying the darkness is healthier than expressing it. But the darkness cannot be denied.
Suppressing it invites spiritual depression.
For me, the light flooded the darkness when I realized the dark night was a temporary period of mourning for what once was.
Spiritual depression’s role in addiction
Addiction to drugs, alcohol, people, work or anything else we use to distract ourselves from the lessons of the darkness are Band-Aids to cover up wounds that, without proper treatment, will fester and infect our souls.
Addiction is a spiritual crisis with nowhere to go but within. If we don’t allow its expression, it bottles up inside and eventually expresses itself.
As I mentioned earlier, initially, I turned to drinking to ease my spiritual crisis. But that only led me further away from the peace I was seeking.
Embracing the dark night was beneficial because it allowed me to face and acknowledge my shadow self, a valuable teacher and guide.
By embracing the dark night, we learn about ourselves and our deepest desires and motivations. We also find compassion and understanding for others struggling with their shadows. Only by fully embracing all aspects of ourselves will we find inner peace and acceptance.
This process is challenging and uncomfortable. It requires a willingness to explore our innermost fears and vulnerabilities. But with patience and compassion, we learn to love and integrate the dark night into our overall being.
Dark nights are excruciating, but once daylight comes, we are transformed. The hardest part is reminding ourselves of that when we’re in the throes of the darkness.
By not just tolerating the dark night, but accepting it, I discovered the light that led me to the other side. This light represents inner wisdom, creativity, and strength. By tapping into it, I found the courage to face life’s challenges and the resilience to overcome them … until the next dark night comes to teach me lessons I have yet to learn.
Embrace your dark nights. Because therein lies the Light you seek.
Barb Besteni is a writer and editor who after 35 years of writing, copyediting, and producing content for local, national, and international television news, left the newsroom for the comfort of her home office. Her work has appeared on NBC and ABC local stations nationwide, and dozens of online publications.