How To Calm Your Own Emotions In 60 Seconds Or Less
Five steps to help you get back to the feelings that work for you.
mavo / Shutterstock Have you ever been in a situation where you just couldn't keep your emotions in check? Deep down inside, you know that keeping your cool is what the situation calls for, yet, controlling those explosive emotions is a lot easier said than done.
Andrea Miller, CEO and podcast host, learned a valuable emotional technique from what may seem like an unlikely source: Peter Sage, a former maximum security prisoner found guilty of crimes related to finance in the UK.
Of course, you don't have to have been in a dangerous prison to learn from his experience — and thank goodness. His 60-second technique for handling overwhelming emotions, which he utilized while in prison, can help anyone.
Here's what Peter Sage told Andrea Miller on Open Relationships: Transforming Together:
How To Calm Your Own Emotions In 60 Seconds Or Less
1. Stop resisting what you feel
Don't try to put a brave face on it, Sage suggests. "That's called suppression."
When you find yourself in a bad situation, it can be tempting to shut down and power through in something like a dissociative state. But, it's important to stay present during hard moments like these.
The first thing you need to do when you fall off that metaphorical horse, says Sage, is to recognize that you fell and recognize all the feelings coming as a result.
"The master skill inside of jail wasn't not feeling anxious or stressed or angry or upset ——or any of that. It was, 'How fast do I get back on the horse?" says Sage.
Accept that you're human, you're going to have feelings that can be overwhelming. He had to feel the deep pain that came along with knowing he let down a lot of people with his crimes, including himself.
2. Recognize that you are not your feelings
Resist the need to define yourself as the feelings you're having.
"I recognize that I am not a feeling. I happen to be experiencing a feeling," Sage explains. "I may not like it," he adds, "[but] I'm allowing that emotion to run its course."
For example: I'm feeling like crap or I'm feeling anxious, I'm feeling alone, I'm feeling emotional pain. But I am not crap. I'm not broken. I'm not hopeless.
"Once you're able to separate who you are from the feeling you're, it lessens the emotional charge," Sage explains.
"If someone says 'I'm angry' you're kind of screwed ... 'I'm currently experiencing the emotion of anger, it makes it more transient."
3. Understand how emotions work
When you understand what emotions actually are, the temporary nature of them, you can start to feel some mastery over your reaction to them.
"When you understand what emotions are, how they're triggered and how they cycle through the bloodstream, [observing them] becomes a powerful technique."
"Emotions are triggered by thoughts," Sage explains, sharing an example to help us understand.
Imagine you're driving and you see a blue light flashing behind you, and you assume it's a police officer and that you're being pulled over. It's likely you experience an immediate emotional change of state. Maybe you were feeling happy and relaxed and then one moment later you're feeling stressed, anxious, and possibly even terrified.
"The blue light didn't trigger that [emotional change]," Sage explains. "The blue light didn't bounce off the rearview mirror at the speed of light, hit the retina, slow down into an electrical impulse and then start moving hormones around your sensors in your brain."
Instead, it was the thought of what the blue light could mean that caused the instantaneous change of state. It's thoughts that trigger emotions.
"So you think angry thoughts or upsetting thoughts, you're going to have corresponding emotions," he clarifies.
4. Let your emotions run their course
Sage says, "If you allow those chemicals to run their cycle through the bloodstream, which takes about 60 seconds, without triggering any further thoughts, that will dump in a new cycle. Within 60 or 90 seconds, maximum, your emotion will neutralize."
In other words, recognize they are temporary and they will pass — and that letting them pass without fighting against them will actually help them pass faster.
5. Get curious about your experience
When you feel those emotions and identify what they are, it's important to get curious about them. Follow those sensations throughout your body and observe them from a neutral perspective.
As Sage says, "There are a lot of people that are very happy being unhappy, okay? And they're more committed to keeping hold of their problems than letting go of them. In fact, they will regulate you with it if you try to take the problem away, like [that unhappiness] is some sort of trophy."
So get curious and figure out if those emotions are serving you in some way. Are they protecting you from feeling vulnerable? Are they keeping you in a place where you feel safe but you can't actually grow? What role are they playing and are they truly working in your best interests?
Learn to keep your thoughts in check for the first 60 seconds and you might find it a lot easier to control your emotions completely. And that can truly change your life.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.