Highly Intelligent People Usually Feel A Specific Type Of Shame That Makes Them More Lonely
There are ways to let shame go.
Pheelings media | Shutterstock Shame is a deeply complex yet ultimately very common emotion to have.
The American Psychological Association’s definition of shame states that it’s a “Highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion” that’s “typically characterized by withdrawal from social intercourse, which can have a profound effect on psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships.”
There are various types of shame, including transient shame, which doesn’t cause major disruption to a person’s life or self-image, and chronic shame, which is more persistent and wears on the way someone sees themselves over the long term.
Highly intelligent people usually feel one specific type of shame that makes them more lonely.
When people feel shame, they tend to isolate themselves, making them feel even more cut off from the rest of the world, creating a vicious cycle.
A nervous system coach named Dana Doswell touched on what it’s like to be “A highly intelligent person who also has a lot of internalized chronic shame.”
“You can have this experience of simultaneously feeling that you are superior and more intelligent than many other people while also feeling very ‘other than’ and as if there is something inherently wrong with you that makes other people not wanna connect with you, and then feel super lonely,” she explained.
She shared that there are two main ways that people experience shame: Explicit shame and implicit shame.
“Explicit is really obvious,” Dana continued. “This would be like bullying, harassment, someone getting in your face and yelling about things with really shameful language at you.”
In contrast, “Implicit shame is not so obvious and can also be thought of as invisible shame.”
“Invisible shame is what we learn, or the information that we internalize, as we express ourselves to people in our lives and notice their reactions,” she said. “This is that body language, tone of voice, facial expression, all of the invisible and implicit ways that we learn what is shameful and what is not shameful.”
Being vocal and open about the shame we carry is a way to move through it.
“By mapping your explicit and implicit shame, we’re getting this kind of shame composition map,” Dana said. “So, we are bringing that implicit and invisible shame to the surface and recognizing where some of these internalized beliefs” come from.
As she explained it, the first step to releasing shame is by, “Making the unconscious conscious.”
“Step number two is cultivating somatic shame awareness,” she said. “This is when we go from intellectually knowing something to having a felt knowing of it.”
There can often be dissonance between what we know to be true and what we feel within ourselves. Acknowledging how our bodies experience certain situations through our senses is to have a somatic understanding of our emotions.
Shame is a deeply uncomfortable feeling, but it’s also a malleable one, which means that we can work to change it.
Dana explained de-shaming as “A practice that actively aims to dissolve shame from your nervous system and its related psychosomatic and physiological impacts by facilitating intuitive somatic releases of shame.”
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Seeking support and engaging in positive self-talk are avenues to releasing shame. Working through shame leads us to be more compassionate to ourselves and others.
“By de-shaming, we are making suppressed parts of ourselves OK to exist,” she said. “What happens when we do this is we are able to hold more truth about how we are, how our bodies feel, and who we truly are as people.”
“This is inherently more regulating," she continued, "than going through life using shame to suppress parts of yourself that you believe, by showing to the external world, are going to disconnect you and disallow you from having access to safety, love, and connection.”
Being human means we’re constantly seeking connection, even when we tell ourselves that we’re OK alone. The truth is that we all need other people. We all need to give and receive love in order to live a full, healthy life.
When we move beyond the shame we hold, we accept that we hold disparate parts, and recognize that we are no less whole because of that.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.