If You Want To Avoid A Miserable Life, It's Time To Say Goodbye To These 10 Habits
In order to find happiness, you have to shift your perspective and daily actions.
Andrii Nekrasov | Shutterstock Happiness can be an elusive facet of life. It's something we all search for and hope to obtain, yet the path to finding it isn't always clearly marked.
Sometimes, we think certain things will bring us happiness, like landing our dream job, moving to a new city, or starting a romantic relationship, only to realize that we're still unfulfilled. Seeking happiness from external circumstances often leads to disappointment, which is why, in order to avoid a miserable life, we need to say goodbye to certain habits and look inward.
Happiness has less to do with material possessions and much more to do with our mindset. While one person's marker of a happy life might be different from someone else's, there are common features of happiness that everyone can appreciate.
If you want to avoid a miserable life, it’s time to say goodbye to these 10 habits
1. Focusing on other people's success
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Comparing what you have to what other people have is a habit that leads to a miserable life. If you want to avoid the comparison trap, you have to say goodbye to focusing on other people's success.
Just because your neighbor drives a shiny new car while you drive a minivan held together by duct tape doesn't make you any less valuable as a person. Your colleague's promotion doesn't reflect on the quality of your work. Hate-scrolling through your college roommates' picture-perfect Instagram account doesn't actually make you feel good, so isn't it time to let go of judging your life against other people?
It's normal to get caught up in comparing yourself to others, especially when it comes to relationships, but in the end, it's a self-destructive habit that leaves you feeling like what you have isn't enough.
As transformative coaches Susie and Otto Collins point out, the more you compare yourself to others, "the more your sense of self-worth or appreciation for your relationship will be dependent on how you believe you compare." They further explain, "It's a tenuous and shaky foundation for both self-esteem and a happy, healthy relationship."
To stop your comparison habit in its tracks, take note of when you compare yourself and redirect your thought process. Ask yourself what it is you feel like you're missing that makes you think someone else has it better. Do you feel disconnected from your partner? Are you unfulfilled at work?
"The more you can uncover what you need at this moment without blame or getting stuck in a story of why you do (or don't) deserve to have your needs met, the easier this process will be," the Collinses revealed. If you want to avoid a miserable life, say goodbye to focusing on other people's success, and learn to celebrate your own wins.
2. Staying in your comfort zone
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While it's important to know what makes you feel secure and satisfied, not challenging yourself can lead to feeling stagnant and uninspired. In order to achieve personal growth, we have to try things that scare us. The more we push ourselves out of our comfort zones, the more we realize that we can handle hard situations.
While moving out of your comfort zone might not feel good in the moment, discomfort is often a signal that you're learning something new about yourself. If you refuse to leave your comfort zone, you'll never know what you're capable of, and it's highly likely that you'll feel dissatisfied with your life.
You don't even have to step that far out of your comfort zone to shake things up. You can cook recipes you've never made before. You can start a conversation with someone you've never spoken to. Trying new things is a small, actionable way to avoid a miserable life.
3. Blaming your problems on others
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Taking responsibility for your failures isn't easy, but doing so is a key part of having healthy relationships with others and with yourself. Acknowledging your flaws signifies that you accept yourself for who you are: an imperfect person who's worthy of love, care, and respect.
The habit of blaming your problems on other people or outside forces can keep you stuck in a miserable life. A 2019 research study defined blame-shifting as blaming others for your own failures. The study's authors noted that making mistakes is often perceived as a sign of weakness, which creates a culture where people project blame onto other people instead of holding themselves accountable.
The authors explained that "People are reluctant to admit they have failed because of a general desire to avoid negative social evaluation and disapproval from others." It's highly common for people to shift blame by pointing to situational elements that are out of their control. It's not their fault that they lost the game. It's not their fault they got stuck in traffic and got to work late.
While it seems like blame-shifting can protect your self-image, it's fairly harmful in the long run. Blame-shifting is a way to deny yourself agency over your own life. It can make you feel like everything is out of your control.
By breaking the habit of blaming others for your mistakes, you can avoid having a miserable life.
4. Negative self-talk
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If you want to feel better about yourself and avoid a miserable life, you have to ditch negative self-talk and practice positive affirmations. We all have inner critics, but some people know how to talk back to their critical inner voice and reinforce their belief in their inherent self-worth.
According to a study published in "Scientific Reports," self-talk can be defined as "the systematic use of cue words in a silent or vocalized dialog with one's self." The study noted that positive self-talk has a beneficial impact on emotional regulation, cognition and attention, yet engaging negative self-talk is associated with poor emotional and psychological outcomes.
Positive self-talk is rooted in self-respect, while negative self-talk is excessively critical. The Mayo Clinic reported that negative self-talk can take various forms, such as blaming yourself when something goes wrong, magnifying small problems so they become bigger, and anticipating the worst in every situation.
Talking down to yourself erodes your self-esteem. It distorts reality in a way that makes you think your life is miserable, even when good things happen. Breaking the habit of negative self-talk isn't always easy, but it starts by recognizing when you're being hyper-critical, then shifting your mindset and focusing on what you appreciate about yourself.
By practicing self-compassion and talking to yourself in a gentle and encouraging way, you can change your self-perception for the better.
5. Ignoring your health
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Another habit you need to say goodbye to in order to avoid a miserable life is ignoring your mental and physical health.
Pushing your needs to the background and not paying attention to the messages your body and mind are sending is a path that leads directly to burnout, exhaustion, extreme stress, and overall emotional and psychological distress.
Everyone has different methods to staying healthy, but at the baseline, we all need to get restful sleep, move our bodies, and fuel ourselves with proper nutrition. While putting your needs first isn't always easy, not doing so can be detrimental to your well-being.
You deserve to live an authentic life where you flourish and shine, which is why it's so important to listen to what your body and mind need, and offer yourself care and nourishment.
6. Holding onto the past
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It's part of human nature to have regrets, but reliving what you've done wrong or not forgiving yourself for mistakes you've made makes it virtually impossible to live in the present.
Ruminating on the past doesn't change what happened. It only keeps you stuck in a thought pattern of harsh self-criticism and self-loathing. Holding tight to old emotions doesn't allow for any positive growth or change.
While self-reflection is a valuable part of knowing who you are and what's important to you, there's a major difference between being self-reflective and punishing yourself for who you were in the past.
You can only do the best you can with the tools you have at any given moment, which means that mistakes are often mechanisms that help you survive. If you want to avoid a miserable life, you have to forgive yourself for the past and look forward to what the future holds.
7. Avoiding difficult conversations
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The more you avoid having hard conversations, the more you build up the issues in your mind, until they seem insurmountable. Not facing conflicts directly often creates deep feelings of resentment and major miscommunication.
Feeling resentful makes your life miserable, which is why it's time to say goodbye to being so conflict avoidant. Coach and educator Ann Papayoti gave clear guidelines on how to approach hard conversations.
First, define what you want to say and what you hope to get from the conversation. When the time to talk arrives, ground yourself, stay open-minded, and ask clarifying questions. Coming to the conversation from a curious and nonjudgmental place is crucial to working out a solution.
8. Neglecting your relationships
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The Harvard Study of Adult Development started in the 1930s as a long-term research project on how individual's life experiences, circumstances, and attitudes influence their well-being. The study's findings were compiled in the book "The Good Life: Lessons From the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness," by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz.
They discovered that just one thing "Continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance: Good relationships." Waldinger and Shulz wrote, "People who are more connected to family, to friends, and to community, are happier and physically healthier than people who are less well connected."
Life is often chaotic and unpredictable. It's easy to let our relationships take a backseat to things that seem more urgent, but as the Harvard study proved, nothing is more important than keeping our loved ones close.
Neglecting relationships leads to social isolation, which is detrimental to our sense of self and our emotional health. If you want to be truly, genuinely happy, you have to pick up the phone and tell your friends you're thinking of them. By cultivating connections with people in your community, you can avoid having a miserable life.
9. Feeling ungrateful
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Having gratitude is a powerful thing. If we don't appreciate what we have, we end up feeling discontent and dissatisfied. Life isn't always easy or joyful, but even in hard times, there are aspects of our existence we can be grateful for: Friends who let us cry without judgment, having a safe home to take refuge in, a warm cup of tea or a nourishing meal.
Author David Ahearn explained that having gratitude for the smallest things impacts our happiness in the biggest way. "If we only shift our perception away from worrying about the 'big' things with which we have little to no control, we make space to celebrate the 'small' things that we most certainly have some impact to enjoy," he wrote.
"We all have things we love — big and small, but many times we fail to acknowledge or give thanks for such things," Ahearn continued. "One of the secrets of the Universe is that the more we give thanks for what we have, the more things that aren't currently in our reality soon materialize before our very eyes."
Not acknowledging gratitude is a habit that leads to having a miserable life, while expressing gratitude is a simple, accessible way to have a happy life.
10. Not setting goals
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Without clear goals, life often feels like it holds little meaning. Having a sense of purpose can guide you toward a life that feels fulfilling. Goals don't have to be complicated or especially difficult, yet in order to be successful at reaching your goals, they should be focused and clearly-defined.
According to a 2021 study published in "Frontiers in Psychology," managers who set high, specific goals in the workplace see increased motivation, persistence, and task performance, compared to setting vague or easy goals. This outcome indicates that people feel inspired when they have a goal in mind, as it gives them something to set their sights on.
Not setting goals can make you feel like you have no direction in life, which can negatively affect your mental health and your sense of self-efficacy. By giving yourself goals and working to achieve them, you can find fulfillment and joy as you get closer to building the life you want.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.