Guest Calls Out Bride & Groom For Their Off-Putting Reception Menu That Included Brains & Yeast Ice Cream
If you want to be a foodie, be a foodie. But must you torture your wedding guests too?
Aksakalko / Canva Pro Every bride and groom is entitled to make their wedding their own, whether their guests like it or not.
But it might be time we place some parameters on that rule because one couple has taken that latitude entirely too far.
A wedding guest called out a bride and groom for their off-putting wedding reception menu.
Bad wedding food is sort of a tradition at this point. It's hard to make truly good food in enormous quantities, after all.
But reader, I assure you — you've never experienced anything like what one Redditor was subjected to at a recent wedding.
Indulge me for a moment in a thought experiment: Think of the worst wedding food you've ever had.
Was it the undercooked chicken and shoe-leather steak? How about the buffet mac and cheese that is obviously just a Costco-sized box of Velveeta shells and cheese? Maybe it was the half-rotten lettuce lying limply in a pool of the sugariest poppyseed vinaigrette (WHY is it always poppyseed vinaigrette?! Free us!!!) that sent you into sugar shock before the DJ even spun his first track ("Celebration" by Kool & The Gang obviously — free us from that tyranny too while you're at it. ENOUGH.)
That offensive swill is, I give you my word, nothing compared to the egregious, dark-sided, insufferable-food-snob malarkey served at this wedding.
The wedding reception menu included brains, eel, and whatever in God's name yeast-flavored dairy ice is.
Now before you read further I'd like you to make sure you're in the right headspace for this. Is there a mental health professional you can have on call? A clergy member who can provide counsel? A prescription for large-animal veterinary sedatives?
Because if you're anything like me this menu is going to send you into a full-blown, hyena-shrieking, baseball-bat-through-the-drywall rage.
Photo: Reddit
Candidly, the first thing that escaped my lips when I first laid eyes on this blasphemy was "OH [word that rhymes with suck] YOU." Then I threw my phone across the room and stormed out of my own house so as not to dignify this menu with my presence.
"Lightly smoked eel?" How dare you. "Foie Gras Like A Pebble?" How about my fist in your gut like a jackhammer while you try to explain to me what that phrase even MEANS. "Gratinated Veal Sweetbread?" I WILL RUN YOU OVER WITH MY CAR I SWEAR TO GOD.
And what about the accompaniments? "Iodized vinegar broth" and "grape juice reduction." Oh! You mean a splash of that apple cider vinegar with "The Mother" that holistic health people are obsessed with and a spoonful of Welch's grape jelly! I am on my knees rending my garments, keening at the moon, begging you to shut up!
The Redditor also provided photos of the off-putting wedding reception food, and it is pure nightmare fuel.
Look at this food. Look at it! No don't you dare turn away, if I had to endure this so do you. So help me I will prop your eyes open like that scene in "A Clockwork Orange," you look at this food!
Photo: Reddit
Why are they green?! Are those herb sprigs or ARTERIES? This is an act of domestic terrorism. We need to ground all planes and put this bride and groom on the no-fly list until we figure out what's going on!
And then there's the "foie gras like a pebble" (The rage that phrase fills me with could jumpstart a car.)
Photo: Reddit
First of all, what in the absolute [redacted] does this have to do with pebbles? Pebbles are the tiny rocks you throw at the window of your beloved to profess your undying affection on a warm Summer's eve. That thing looks like something with which you could bludgeon an assailant to death. It was Colonel Mustard! In the library! With the foie gras like a pebble!
More importantly, it also looks like the corpse of an exotic bullfrog that has bled out into a bowl (frogs have green blood I'm pretty sure, it's science) and I reject it in the name of everything good and decent. George Washington didn't cross the Delaware for us to eat this kind of trash and I resent being asked! I'm filing suit.
And before you accuse me of being an unsophisticated rube, I know about gastronomy, okay? I worked in fine dining for years in another life! I was hired by one of the restaurants referenced in "The Bear!" I've been to France four times!
There is a time and a place for eating brains and eel and 'geranium and basil water,' and a wedding reception is not it.
I flew across the country, bought a new suit, dropped $200 on the set of Burmese teak cutting boards you registered for at Williams Sonoma that I could have gotten for $19.99 at Target, and you have the temerity, the sheer unmitigated gall, the frankly diabolical gumption, to serve me BRAINS in IODIZED VINEGAR BROTH?
And then follow it with "yeast-flavored dairy ices" for dessert? Yeast! Flavored! Dairy! Ices?! I will burn this wedding venue down with you in it. Apologize to me. Now.
Photo: bodiaphvideo / Shutterstock
If your entire sense of self is bound up in everyone knowing how sophisticated and avant-garde you are then just slap the usual slab of chicken parmesan on everyone's plate, say "The only movie we've ever seen is 'The Menu' and we definitely didn't realize it was satire" into the DJ's hot mic and go on your heritage-breed-yak-farm-in-Outer-Mongolia honeymoon! No one deserves this!
Anyway, congrats on your wedding or whatever. May your love always be sweet as a grape juice reduction, may it never turn bitter like iodized vinegar broth, and may God have mercy on your souls.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.