The Great Uncivilization Of America Is Here — 'Manners Are Dying And So Is The Art Of Being The Bigger Person'

Editor's Note: This is a part of YourTango's Opinion section where individual authors can provide varying perspectives for wide-ranging political, social, and personal commentary on issues.

Have you ever heard of the Chinese term “grab hag?” I recently did, and I found it to be fascinating. 

A grab hag is a person who will take anything free, including toilet paper in public stalls. If you have free samples, a grab hag will take all of them, leaving none for anyone else.

Grab hags are the reason why many parts of China don’t have free toilet paper in bathrooms. These individuals are often chaotic and may go so far as to push and shove people out of the way to get what they want.

Waiting your turn doesn’t work if you have multiple grab-hags in the vicinity. Because it often means a child is left with scraps, some parents go so far as to encourage their kids to push and shove their way to the front.

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Grab hags are one example of behavior that Westerners balk at when they visit China. People are often shocked at the behavior they run into while traveling in China — much of which seems to be culturally acceptable there.

I recently had a friend of mine take a quick trip to China and they were a bit rattled by the behavior. Much of the behaviors that Westerners freak out about in China are just cultural differences sparked by somewhat recent historical events.

Once you understand the nuances of China’s history, what you see makes more sense — as does the active cultural and governmental push toward a more polite, kinder, and empathetic culture.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about grab hags and the direction America has been going. If you ask me, we might be lucky if American grab hags are the most of our problems.

Grab hags have become China’s reaction to unchecked capitalism and industrialization.

From what I’ve seen, there’s been a growing pushback against grab hags, pushy behavior, and other similarly “rude” treatment. More and more families are trying to get their kids to wait their turn.

People may not see it right now, but change is happening. China’s rapidly becoming more polite, and more patient, and getting a massive return to the nation’s classic roots of manners.

Meanwhile, America’s starting to see its own Great Uncivilization — through the rise of grab hags in the form of Karens, shoplifters, and Main Character Syndrome sufferers.

PR Image Factory / Shutterstock

So, what gives? Why is America losing its manners while China is gaining them back? Well, it has to deal with the economics of each country.

It’s worth noting that China wasn’t always so famous for pushy behavior.

Before the Maoist revolution, Chinese society was famous for its patience, putting others first, and having a strict adherence to social codes. Mao changed that.

The manners change came from the time that the Maoist Great Step Forward occurred along with the Cultural Revolution. A new focus on “blue collar” China made traditional, “stiff” manners the new persona non grata as the changes took place.

Chairman Mao made a point of forcing China to move forward in development, commerce, and technology to get the country to be competitive. This meant doing as much work as feasible in a short amount of time.

Productivity, not politeness, was the name of the game. It often becomes noticeable when you hear about life in China — especially when it comes to work.

However, it wasn’t just capitalism at play in China.

Part of the cultural change came from turning the nation’s collective nose up at intellectual classism — a part of China’s culture that often encouraged manners above all. It often came to a head during struggle sessions.

The “rudeness” was not just encouraged, but it became a way of life that was meant to flaunt the walking away from China’s traditional agrarian society structure.

In China today, saying “Waitress, bring me food!” isn’t rude. It’s shortening the social distance. Saying “please” and “thank you,” tends to suggest that you want to keep a person at arm’s length — or just comes off as weird.

As a Westerner, much of the behavior you will see among Chinese people is them being blunt rather than them trying to offend. Among many Chinese people, it seems like the greatest respect you can show a person is letting them know where you stand with them.

In a lot of ways, this seems to be a subtle holdover from the Cultural Revolution. And honestly? Not all of those things are bad. I don’t like dealing with stuffy manners in most cases either!

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But the 'grab hag rudeness' phenomenon also was primarily a survival trick.

If you have ever witnessed a person who just lost their last dollar and doesn’t know how they’ll afford a major bill, you probably noticed they lost their manners. A lot of people become aggressive as a reaction to tight budgets.

Sometimes, it’s a matter of desperate necessity. Becoming callous was part of life during the country’s moments of upheaval. Much like what we’re seeing stateside, manners and civility go out the window when you're not sure if you’ll eat.

During the 1970s, steep competition for resources meant that locals had to fend for themselves. This led to skipping lines, pushing others away from wanted items, and more.

Prospect Magazine ran a story on it, noting: “Commonly held attitudes, such as 'If I don’t get there first, someone else will,' are as applicable to empty bus seats today as to opportunities to make money. How you get there is irrelevant; it is everybody for themselves in an age of individual prosperity and ambition.”

China is thriving now, primarily because its economy is booming thanks to moves by China’s politicians. So while things were rough, the investments made yielded wonderful returns long-term.

The overall quality of life for a typical Chinese person is improving. When things are going well, it’s easier to focus on being polite.

What we are seeing in America softly mirrors what happened in China.

America is dealing with a lot of factors that have slowly chipped away at our desire to have good manners. It may not be identical to what happened to China’s focus on manners, but it’s still fairly similar.

Sadly, there’s another flipside to this observation. While China will likely become known for its elegant set of manners in the future, we’ll likely be known for being “brutish Americans” at that same point.

Much like what happened during Mao’s Cultural Revolution, certain groups have started to treat manners as a sign of snobbery.

Whether the American people realize it or not, the GOP’s push against intellectualism is their attempt at their twisted version of a Cultural Revolution — complete with adding value to bullying scholastic individuals.

It’s not coincidental that so many Republicans seem to flaunt their crudeness, tactless behavior, or violence toward the press. Their fans will follow their example, just as the GOP hopes they will. It’s a part of their culture war.

America’s economy is not sustainable and it’s suffering.

F01 PHOTO / Shutterstock

The average American struggles to afford food, shelter, healthcare, and childcare. To make matters worse, our social safety nets are being slashed in the name of “budget reduction” while the prices of essentials remain unchecked. This is very, very bad.

When the average citizen feels like they’re under stress for the basics and also don’t feel like they can rely on society to do right by then, they stop being selfless. Selfishness becomes a survival skill — as does the ability to quash empathy while you push your own needs.

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Social media has been encouraging bad behavior. Yes, TikTok has been a source of a lot of foul behavior among “influencers,” especially those with pranks. It’s not surprising to see that many of these influencers have been encouraging others to treat dates and others poorly.

When you pair that with rage-sparking bots, it’s not surprising to find out that social media stokes the flames of incivility. In China, TikTok/Douyin promotes good manners and good work ethics.

In America, we don’t punish bullies as much as we should. If you’ve been to a public school stateside, you know that teachers just tell bullying victims to “ignore it.” They are not shunned. They are not expelled from school. They are rarely arrested or sued.

They just coast along being jers because they are allowed to be that way. In some circles, bullying is seen as a perk. Don’t believe it? Ask mean girls in high school.

When bullies grow up, they are often bosses. Bullies intimidate workers into working more, which means that executives often reward their behavior rather than punish it.

In the case of California, mass shoplifting is now fairly common. This is because we stopped prosecuting thieves who steal under $900 — until new laws were recently enacted. Up until then, the punishments hadn't scared the thieves.

It’s also in politics. What we’re seeing in the GOP is what happens when bullies win. It’s not pretty, and people are starting to get tired of being told to take the higher route.

Unlike China, America’s decline into rudeness will likely turn into full-blown uncivilization.

I should explain what I mean by uncivilization. When I say “uncivilization,” I mean that we will likely see far, far more violence on America’s grounds than China did during the 70s and 80s.

In an uncivilized society, violence is a key part of the society’s way of life. Might (and wealth) make right. Life is cheap and chaos is everywhere. Order, the benefit of the doubt, equality, and fairness are nowhere to be seen.

Uncivilization is what happens when people are pushed too far by too many factors. It becomes a black hole of violence, suspicion, and resentment pockmarked by moments of unsteady deals behind closed doors. Morality is an afterthought.

You do not get a fair chance at life in a society that goes through uncivilization. Unless you’re at the top ranks of that society, you are going to be stuck in survival mode until the day you die.

Here’s why I think America is going to undergo full-scale uncivilization.

America has always been a country proud of its gun use, weaponry, and fighting skills. This can be great if you want to protect yourself or even give consequences to people who treat others poorly.

However, our country always had a certain set of expectations when it came to behavior. In the past, being rude, disrespectful, or hurtful came with extremely dire consequences.

If you were too rude to a person, you could die by being challenged to a dual, shunned for life, or even get run out of town. Today, thankfully, those violent safeguards aren’t up.

People who would be jerks, thieves, or miscreants don’t have to worry that much about consequences outside of jail. And that means it often makes more sense to be a pushy, “me first” jerk than it does to be the bigger person.

China had its moments when rudeness was the status quo out of necessity, but mass shooters, wild amounts of gun violence, lynchings, and the widespread anti-woman radicalization of young men were not part of Chinese culture.

Chinese leadership and social media both have been working to build more manners, education, and stability among citizens. Moreover, China has always been a collectivist society rather than an individualist one like ours.

That’s what saved China from devolving into a full-blown violent disaster. America doesn’t have those protections. We don’t have politicians in power who care about the people. 

We don’t have leaders who encourage people to look out for one another. We are a brutally individualistic society that encourages bullying behavior.

Is America’s decivilization preventable?

Yes, but it would take conscious efforts from all people involved to turn that ship around. We already have a roadmap of a country that has been battling the stigma around the manners they have.

In China, we’re seeing a growing stigma against grab hags and similarly uncouth behavior. Even so, it’s an uphill battle. A lot of the behaviors that were commonplace in China have been baked in after several generations of it.

It will likely take several generations of solid, reinforced change before a country’s mannerisms and culture can truly change. And yes, this is a moment when the government should intercede — whether we like it or not.

China’s government now blackballs exceptionally bad travelers from leaving the country, going so far as to harm their social credit for years. They also implemented manners classes in their schools since 2010 and have been working on a government-backed morality guide since 2019.

Without manners and a moral compass, our country is going to dissolve into chaos. I just hope we Americans can come together for the sake of decency before it’s too late.

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Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.