Former Detective Reveals 5 Psychological Ways To Win Any Argument
If you can't avoid arguments, you might as well win them.
bulatovic | Canva In most arguments, your facts and knowledge are useless. When I became a detective with a large police department, I quickly discovered that the job wasn’t what I thought it would be. Instead of chasing bad guys, I spent most of my time on paperwork, interviewing, and testifying in court.
One skill that develops quickly between court and interviewing suspects is the ability to argue. Arguing itself isn’t a skill. The skill in arguing is the ability to remain calm, logical, and open to being wrong. That last one is hard for anyone to master. We all want to be right, and we hate admitting to being wrong.
So why are facts and knowledge useless? People often attach their beliefs to their identity. When you argue and try to convince them they might be wrong about an issue, the argument becomes bigger than the issue at hand. It becomes a personal insult to not only their identity but also their intelligence.
Someone may know the truth, and they may know you know the truth, yet they'll spend a full two hours telling you how wrong you are. Do not mistake a show for an argument.
Here are 5 psychological ways to win any argument:
1. Define what 'winning' looks like
Before we dive into winning an argument, let’s be clear on what winning looks like. Despite the title of this article, I tend to think that arguments are almost always wasted time. If you win because you’re right and your point of view makes sense, but you embarrass or insult the other person along the way, did you win?
Winning usually means getting the other person to consider your side. That only happens by first validating and understanding their point of view, even if it’s terrible. That comes in phrases like “I understand why you believe that” and questions like “Can you tell me more about that?”
Psychology Today suggests that winning is not simply about proving yourself right but rather about achieving a positive outcome that involves understanding the other person's perspective, reaching a resolution that respects both sides, and fostering constructive communication, often prioritizing connection over outright victory. This can include actively listening, showing empathy, and finding common ground rather than solely aiming to dominate the conversation.
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2. Maintain a calm composure throughout the argument
If I showed you a video of two people in an argument, you could guess who won even without sound. You would pick up on who seems calm, confident, and in control. How you say something is as important as what you say.
Speaking clearly, methodically, and confidently conveys confidence. Speaking fast, raising your volume, and showing emotion convey a loss of control. Your body language will contribute as much to an argument as your words.
As a new police officer, I arrested dozens of drunk drivers each year. When it came time for court, most people I arrested came to court with an attorney. The cases often went the same way — a guilty plea or a trial based on the merits of the case. But there was one local attorney who wasn’t like all the others.
The first two cases I had with him went the same way. Instead of trying to make the case based on facts, he put me on the stand to bait me into arguments or cause me to lose my temper. He was smug, arrogant, and very good at his job.
His goal was to make me look incompetent, emotional, and unlikable. Fortunately, I didn’t take the bait. I smiled, being as kind as possible as he talked down to me. After two trials, he never put me back on the stand. He understood the power of composure and body language.
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3. Speak less
Making a point in ten words is exponentially more powerful than making the same point with 1,000 words. People are impatient and appreciate a concise argument that is well delivered.
Saying less conveys power. Being in a position of power means not having to explain yourself. If someone asks you to do something and you simply respond by saying no, there is power and confidence in that one word. If you say no and offer several reasons justifying why you said no, that comes across as trying to obtain approval for your answer or an apology for saying no. Less is always more.
Research published in 2018 by the American Psychological Association suggests that speaking less during an argument can significantly benefit a conversation by allowing for better listening, reducing defensiveness, promoting understanding of the other person's perspective, and increasing the chances of resolving, as actively listening to the other party's viewpoint is crucial in resolving conflict effectively.
4. Concede when you’re wrong
Conceding a point during an argument feels unnatural. That’s because you want to win, and admitting you’re wrong feels like failing. It’s not. It shows you’re level-headed and confident enough to admit a mistake. Arguing for the sake of arguing is a sign of weakness.
A better response would be to thank them because you now understand the topic better. You may have been wrong, but a reaction like that shows character. A chance to showcase character beats arguing for the sake of arguing any day.
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5. Learn as much as you can about the argument before you have it
Some arguments are spontaneous. They happen without warning, and if you’re going to argue, you argue based on what you know at that moment. But not all arguments happen that way.
Often, you know a disagreement or an argument is coming. In those cases, prepare yourself ahead of time. Do a deep dive into why someone might come to a different conclusion than yours. If you understand how that person arrived at their conclusion, you stand a much better chance at winning them your side.
You can also ask them questions they don’t have an answer to. Questions like that can cause them to rethink how they arrived at the conclusion they did. This works with politics. People often say they like a political candidate because of their policies.
You’d be surprised at how often people who say this can’t list one of those policies. Asking them to name them is a win-win. If they can, they should be able to since they made the claim. If they can’t, it shows the statement isn’t genuine.
A 2022 analysis by North-West University shows that learning as much as possible about an argument significantly improves critical thinking skills, allowing individuals to better evaluate evidence, identify logical fallacies, understand different perspectives, and effectively communicate their viewpoints, making them more informed decision-makers in various situations, including academic and professional settings.
People desire to be understood, respected, and accepted. If you’re going to argue, try to give the other person those things while you slowly guide them to your side. Forget proving them wrong or beating them over the head with facts. A clever man can win an argument. A wise man can generally avoid them altogether.
Joshua Mason is a former police detective and public safety leader turned writer. His weekly stories on Medium are dedicated to change, leadership, and life lessons.