Former School Bully Reveals The Unforgettable Lesson Her Gentle-Parent Mom Taught Her That Ultimately Led Her To Change Her Ways
Her "punishment" was learning empathy, and she's never forgotten it.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock "If I ever hear about you boys bullying some kid it'll be the last thing you do," my dad once bellowed at me and my brothers after he overheard us making fun of a kid at school in the privacy of the backseat. His bluster was mostly just that — bluster — but he meant what he said. As an adult he was once confronted by a kid he bullied, and let's just say, it was the kind of encounter that left my dad's blood running cold — and the cops being called.
Sure, fearing the wrath of your parents might be enough to keep you on the straight and narrow — it was certainly the go-to method of boomer parents like mine. But the method one woman's mom used seems to have been far more effective, and taught her a lesson she's still parsing decades later.
A former bully shared how her mom used gentle parenting after she was caught bullying.
A woman on TikTok, who goes by AbsurdOblivion, went viral after she shared how her mom, a gentle parenting devotee, decided to set her straight after she was caught viciously bullying another little girl on the bus in elementary school.
Slagging gentle parenting off as permissive and indulgent has become something of a trend in recent years, but that's a fundamental misunderstanding of what the method is about, which is teaching kids emotional intelligence in ways that are appropriate to their level of development. AbsurdOblivion's story is a perfect example of how the method actually works when parents commit to it.
She was inspired to share her experience after an Australian mom went viral for the way she handled her child being bullied — by bursting into their classroom and berating the child in front of the entire class. The mom was reportedly driven to her wit's end after school officials and the bully's parents refused to do anything about the relentless abuse, which culminated in the bully telling her child to end their own life.
"We have to take bullying very seriously," AbsurdOblivion said in her video. "There's a lot of techniques and strategies in place … but in order to deal with bullying, the first skill that you have to build in the bully is empathy." How does she know? Well, from her own experience.
Her gentle-parent mom made her give a personal apology in front of the bullied girl's entire family.
The former bully said she was never given punishments, so much as taught lessons. "There were some times where I wished that I could just get grounded or get put on time out or something," she said, "because then I didn't have to change." The bullying debacle ended up being the prime example of this.
It all began one day when the mother of the girl she was bullying, Lisa, knocked on their door to talk to her mom. Lisa's mom then detailed to her mother the horrible things she'd been saying to her on the bus — including telling Lisa, whose father had recently passed away, that he died because he didn't want to have to look at her anymore.
"Obviously my mom was shook. She was shook. She was mad," she said. "Like my mom was big mad. Oh, she was big mad. And my mom was never big mad." Her mom expressed her shock at how cruel she'd been, then quickly asked her what she planned to do to make amends. She said she'd apologize.
So her mom immediately told her to get in the car. "And I said now? And she said, 'Yeah, now.'" They drove to Lisa's house, knocked on their door, and went inside. She apologized, in front of their entire family. But that was not satisfactory for her mom.
The former bully's mom made her repeat and detail every awful thing she'd said so she would truly understand how cruel she'd been.
This was no mere apology, however. "Lisa, I'm really sorry for the things that I've been saying to you," she said, whereupon her mom asked, "such as?" To her horror, her mom then made her repeat, item by item, every awful thing she'd said to the little girl, including the comments about her father's death.
"I still feel like it's a pit in my stomach. I still feel shame around that," she said. "I never wanna let go of that shame. That shame is good. That's good shame."
Lisa confessed that that comment had hurt her the most, and they talked a bit about why and made amends. At last, the apology was over — or so she thought. Her mother said, "You're forgetting somebody," and then made her redo the apology line by line, item by item, for Lisa's mother, too.
Apologizing to the girl she bullied and her mother taught her a lifelong lesson about empathy, humility, and forgiveness.
Lisa's mom's response was just as instructive as the apology itself: "It will take us some time to forgive you." Because it challenges the typical notions about forgiveness, that it's something we "owe" people, that it's an act of basically erasing what they've done. Lisa's mom instead offered forgiveness on her own terms and on her own timeline, as it should have been.
AbsurdOblivion said she still feels "sick" about the things she said to Lisa. That feeling has never really left her, even after running into Lisa at a party later on in their teens and reiterating her apology. But she's grateful for the way her mom handled it nonetheless.
"That's such a lesson in humility," she said. "That's like one of the best natural consequences. Cause my mom could have railed into me, she could have grounded me, she could have whatever."
Instead, she made her take accountability in a way that might have been "horrifying" at the time, but taught her about the core values of the situation — empathy and humility — rather than just teaching her to be obedient, or to simply not get caught next time. Think of the world we'd now be living in if more people were parented this way. It may not be easy, but it makes a difference.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.