How To Find Happiness When Your Dreams May Never Come True
There's a way to refocus and find the life you've dreamed of.
Tuta | Canva Keep your eye on the goal. Visualize your win. That's the secret to success, right? If it were, everyone would feel satisfied and accomplished.
What if you don't exactly feel the "thrill of victory" after the big win? What if success leaves you feeling empty or unhappy — like you're missing out on something more? Or, what if you don't feel like you ever get to have that win in the first place?
Maybe feel a dose of guilt you don't feel happier every day when you have so much going for you. It's time to stop all of that and try something different.
Five simple ways to find happiness in the present, even when your dreams are on hold
1. Create rituals to remind yourself of your bigger purpose
When you focus on your core values and the longer journey, individual goals have less power to rule your mood. Use a picture, chant, or daily ritual to ground yourself in what matters most to you.
2. Ask yourself, "Who do I want to be?"
Ask this of yourself more often than, "What do I want/need to do?"
3. Savor the small wins and progress
Research in the Review of General Psychology shows that you can boost the deep happiness you crave and improve motivation and performance by making progress.
4. Practice self-compassion and loving-kindness for yourself
Breathe in and out while saying, "I have everything, I am enough." Repeat. Repeat. Schedule this into your daily routine.
5. Lighten up!
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Let your inner child find more play and laughter along the route. You may just learn more in the process. You'll support your creativity and performance!
In a goal-oriented society like ours, it's easy to link accomplishment with "deserving" to feel happy. But as studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology show, you might not find happiness at the finish line.
I work with high achievers who often feel restless, disconnected, or even depressed despite an amazing laundry list of successes, loving families, friends, and communities. Maybe, like them, you don't know how to be happy with yourself.
Of course, you know it's important to enjoy the journey, but your negatively biased brain is much better at focusing on the gap between where you are now and the next big goal — it's been trained to do that.
Even when you reach the goal and fire off your brain's reward center ("the thrill"), your brain immediately starts seeking another "hit," identifies another gap, and creates higher stakes for earning the next good feeling, as suggested by research in Development and Psychopathology.
Should you just become a lazy underachiever, then? No. Goals are critical to focusing your motivation and attention to get the things in life that matter to you. Goals put your values into action.
But they can also lead you to focus too heavily on external metrics for your internal sense of well-being and satisfaction.
"I will be happy as soon as..." You probably don't say it out loud, but along the path of achievement, it's far too easy to program a "following a carrot on a stick" mentality into your subconscious. This is constantly written into the stories that create the expectations of our culture.
This gives goals, instead of emotional self-regulation, control over our feelings. The Journal of Positive Psychology explores how the lack of humbleness translates to constant stress and erodes everyday happiness.
There is also a nasty, unspoken corollary: "I am not enough as I am." Your inner critic uses this theme to undermine your happiness. This often pushes you to skip the powerful step of savoring your wins along the way, a practice that supports positivity and success.
Over-focusing on goals can also distract you from focusing on your greater life purpose. Being grounded in purpose fuels health, happiness, and performance in a more lasting way.
Yes, you can practice being more present more mindful, have more fun, and achieve your big, hairy goals with a smile on your face and in your heart. Like life, it just takes intention, practice, and a lot of love.
Cynthia Ackrill leads stress and leadership workshops in many settings, from coaching and leadership programs to women's conferences.