10 Emotional Tricks That Help People Become Immune To Loneliness
Loneliness serves an important role in human survival, but it can get out of control.
dimaberlinphotos | Canva Have you ever been lonely in a crowd? Have you ever been perfectly content in a room all alone? I've felt these things and like you, have been perplexed by them.
Loneliness is more than just being alone or not having enough friends (though that can certainly contribute). It is a complex mental and emotional phenomenon based on an emotion that is key to survival for children, motivating them to stay close to caregivers. When they experience too much loneliness, they are at greater risk of mental health problems in adulthood.
All of us have experienced some degree of abandonment, even if only for a short time, and remember the painful and scary feeling. When we are reminded of this feeling or anticipate it, we get a twinge of abandonment distress and experience loneliness. This can happen among a crowd of friends or after closely shared intimate moments — but it doesn't have to overwhelm your life.
Here are 10 emotional tricks that make you immune to loneliness
1. Realize loneliness is a feeling, not a fact
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When you are feeling lonely, it is because something has triggered the memory of a feeling, not because you are isolated and alone. The brain is designed to pay attention to pain and danger, and that includes painful scary feelings; therefore loneliness gets our attention.
But then the brain tries to make sense of the feeling. Why am I feeling this way? Is it because nobody loves me? Because I am a loser? Because they are all mean? Theories about why you are feeling lonely can become confused with facts. Then it becomes a bigger problem so realize you are having this feeling and accept it without overreacting.
2. Reach out, because loneliness is painful and can confuse you into thinking you are an outcast
You might react by withdrawing into yourself, your thoughts, and your lonely feelings and this is not helpful. At its best, the anticipation of loneliness might motivate us to reach out and cultivate friendships, which is the healthiest thing to do if you are sad and alone.
When you are a child and your sadness causes you to cry, you may evoke a comforting response from others. If you're an adult, not so much.
3. Notice your self-defeating thoughts
We often create self-centered stories to explain our feelings when we are young, and it is not unusual for children to assume there is something wrong with them if they are not happy. If they are lonely and sad, children may assume other people don't like them when this is rarely the case.
Victims of bullying may well have fans and friends, but they often aren't aware of it because shame and loneliness get more attention. Habitual assumptions about social status continue into adulthood and if you are looking for evidence the world sucks, you can always find it.
4. Make a plan to fight the mental and emotional habits of loneliness
If you realize you are dealing with an emotional habit, you can make a plan to learn how to fight loneliness. Since healthy interaction with friends is good, make some effort to reach out to others, initiate conversation, and FaceTime even when your loneliness and depression are telling you not to.
Yes, it is work, but it is worthwhile. Research on loneliness and physical activity also shows how exercising is worthwhile even when you are feeling tired or lazy.
5. Focus on the needs and feelings of others
By focusing on the needs and feelings of others, there will be less attention to your lonely thoughts and feelings.
I can walk down the street thinking about myself, my loneliness, and the hopelessness of it all, staring at the sidewalk and sighing to myself. Or I can walk down the street grateful for the diversity of people I get to share the sidewalk with, silently wishing them good health and good fortune, and smiling at each person I meet.
The latter is more fun, even though I sometimes have to remind myself to do it on purpose.
6. Find others like you
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Nowadays there are more tools than ever before to find out where the knitters, hikers, or kiteboarders are congregating so you can get together with those who share your interests. This makes it much easier to identify groups you will have something in common, a natural basis for beginning a friendship, as supported by a Dartmouth College study.
7. Always show up when meeting up with others
You don't have to run for president of the knitters society at your first meeting. But you do have to show up. I have been telling others to practice yoga for 20 years and promising I would do it myself for just as long, but except for the occasional coincidental yoga offering at a retreat, I didn't take the trouble of finding a class I could attend regularly until a month ago.
Now, I am enjoying it and it wasn't hard. I have put a reminder in my phone to resign from the procrastinator's society.
8. Be curious, but don't expect perfection or applause
Each time you show up is an experiment, a micro-adventure in social bonding. If you are curious about and interested in others, they will be attracted to you because you are giving them attention. So you will get attention in return.
Curiosity about others also takes your focus away from those painful feelings that tend to make you hide and sulk.
9. Be generous and kind
"There's nobody here but us chickens." This is one of my favorite lines from The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment by Thaddeus Golas. Underneath the impressive facades of the high fliers are the same set of emotions we all are born with. Celebrities suffer from stage fright and depression, too.
You have the power to offer loving kindness and generosity of spirit to all you come into contact with. It isn't instinctual to be kind to strangers or people who scare you. But it is a choice and in the long run, it is a winning choice. The alternative, being mean or stingy with those you don't know well, can get you a reputation as a Scrooge.
10. Be persistent
Be persistent, even if a particular group does seem to be a dead end for you, try another.
AA and AlAnon recommend that everyone try six different groups and find one to suit them best. If you are persistent, challenging the assumptions and feelings that tell you to give up and resign yourself to a life of loneliness, and showing up and being curious and kind to others and more and more groups, the odds are in your favor.
And once you have a friend or two, nourish those friendships with time and attention. Don't be too cautious about whether you are giving more than you are getting at first. If you make more friends and some of them are takers, you can choose to spend more time with the friends who reward your friendship.
Brock Hansen, LCSW, author of Shame and Anger: The Criticism Connection, is a clinical social worker and personal effectiveness coach with over thirty years of experience in counseling individuals with a variety of problems related to shame and anger.