Want To Be Happier? Ask Yourself These 4 Easy Questions
Powerful questions to break down exactly what you need for happiness.
Dmitriy Frantsev | Unsplash Every day in my journal for the past few months I have been answering a series of easy questions that force me to get uncomfortably honest with myself. Between the completion of a significant romantic relationship, losing a close friend unexpectedly, and many other life changes, I have been having a challenging year.
But these four questions have become my north star, especially when it comes to my happiness. They have helped to guide me even on my darkest days. These questions are like the super-loving, honest friend willing to tell you like it is, day after day.
Here are the questions to ask yourself if you want to be happier:
1. 'What do I want?'
This is the seed. Every situation in our lives ultimately comes back to, "What do you want?" Let go of the societal/parental/cultural expectations for a minute and admit to yourself what you truly want.
Do you want to change careers?
Do you want to have children?
Do you want to end your relationship?
Do you want to start expecting more of yourself and feel more in alignment with your integrity, whatever that means to you?
Do you want to live with your friends in the forest?
Do you want to be polyamorous?
AdvertisementDo you want to be a stay-at-home mom/dad?
Do you want to get in the best shape of your life?
Admit it to yourself. Allow this question to drag it out of you. And you can't cop out and just write "What do I want?" because that isn't the question. There's more immediacy and force behind "What do I want?" You can't hide from it. The question knows all of your deepest, darkest secrets. It won't settle until it has revealed them all.
You already know what you want. Your mental treasure is already sitting in the corner of your attic. This question is the high-powered flashlight that illuminates the truth of your desires.
Authenticity is critical to happiness as psychologist Courtney Warren explained, "Authenticity is generally defined as being true to yourself and acting in a way that reflects your core sense of self.
Not only does being authentically yourself feel good, but a large body of research suggests that it’s highly associated with psychological well-being and life fulfillment. For example, research from the American Psychological Association (APA) found authenticity was positively associated with general well-being and active engagement in work and life."
2. 'What am I putting up with that I need to cut out?'
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No is a powerful word. In an instant, the word no can change the course of your entire life. As in, "No, I don't want to be a lawyer after all." Or, "No, you can't hit me ever again. I'm leaving you for good." Or, "No, I'm not okay with wheezing for air every time I climb that staircase. It's time to make a shift in my lifestyle."
What are you putting up with that you need to cut out of your life? You're allowed to say no to it. No matter what it is.
I know people who have successfully cut ties with their toxic/abusive family members because it was necessary for them to live their lives. I know people who have changed career paths after the age of 60 and had an amazing time doing it. So stop putting so much energy towards selling yourself on false stories. It's all possible.
You're allowed to cut out anything that feels like it needs to be cut out. You have full permission. And you deserve the peace of mind that lives on the other side of your "No."
There are many benefits of saying no, as life coach Ruth Schimel explored, "Sustaining others’ positive feelings toward you and avoiding their disfavor can trap you in a continuing giving mode. That not only can be draining but also limits the authenticity and pleasure of relationships — especially when they’re based primarily on your continuing generosity."
3. 'What do I know I need to do?'
Similar to the last question, but in a more proactive framing. If you know what you want and you know what you need to say no to, it's time to start deciding on what you're going to say yes to.
Yes, I'm going to pursue my dream job.
AdvertisementYes, I'm going to ask them to marry me.
Yes, I'm going to pick up that new hobby that I've been fantasizing about doing for years.
You know you need to do it, so go forth and conquer.
4. 'How can I fully honor myself starting now?'
All of the aforementioned questions are ultimately about honoring yourself. But just in case you need it to be pulled out of you differently, how can you start fully honoring yourself starting today?
This question brings immediacy, as explored by the APA, to the table. What can you do starting right now to honor yourself more? If only 5 percent more. Start small, but start.
Give them a shot. See what falls out on the page/screen. It might just change the direction of your life for the better.
Jordan Gray is a five-time #1 Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice behind him. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and more.