The Destabilizing Reason Going Through Hard Times Feels Like A ‘Trap,’ According To A Therapist
Asking difficult questions will lead us toward our truest selves.
George Milton / Pexels Everyone experiences their fair share of heartache, ranging from minor issues to, capital letters, BAD THINGS. Processing and healing from hardship requires a certain amount of emotional labor.
Sometimes, it can seem like we’re stuck in a trap of sorrow, unable to move forward, even though we want to feel better.
There’s a destabilizing reason that going through hard times feels like a ‘trap,’ according to a therapist.
Ellie, a therapist who specializes in relationships and trauma, explained why we struggle to fully let go of bad things that have happened to us.
“Going through hard times in life is a bit of a trap because even when it’s over, there are lurking beliefs and patterns that keep you stuck in unhappiness,” she said.
Grief has a way of burrowing into our psyches. It can weigh us down and distract us from our own lives, making us feel like we’re just going through the motions, like we’re hollowed-out versions of who we used to be.
Ellie asked a question that emphasized the importance of looking inward in order to change: “Are you consciously creating a life away from your past or are you just subconsciously recreating things so you’ll end up in the same spot again?”
The therapist explained how people can free themselves from the trap trauma creates.
“People ask me all the time, ‘How do I move on from my trauma?’ But I have to tell you, some parts are a lot more simple than you probably think,” she said.
The first step of healing after hard times is to recognize that we know ourselves better than we may think.
“You need to realize that you have a lot of knowledge already, and you know what you don’t want,” Ellie said.
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Knowing what we don’t want helps illuminate the things we do want out of our lives.
As Ellie explained, “This could be as simple as knowing you grew up with a family who invalidated you and you never want to make someone else feel that thing, or you can see the modeling of your parents, that you’re like, ‘Yeah, no, I’m not going to inherit that.’”
After bad things happen, it’s “really easy to feel lost, even though the thing is over,” she said. “You come out the other side and you’re like, ‘But what do I do now?’”
It’s entirely normal to feel adrift after something bad happens because bad things rearrange how we see ourselves, how we interpret the world around us, and how we exist on a daily basis.
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Ellie had a helpful reframe for our more difficult emotions, which is to think of them as a touchpoint for what we want to move away from.
“You need to realize you do know something,” she said. “You know what it’s like to be sad, lonely, or anxious, and you know you at least don’t want those things. That’s a direction.”
The next step of the healing process involves “actually moving away” from hard times. While that sounds easier said than done, Ellie explained that the very act of thinking about moving on helps us do so.
“I need you to think about what it is you want to move away from, and you let that guide you,” she said. “The specifics all figure themselves out, but you do know stuff.”
Ellie emphasized the need to consciously reflect on who we want to be and how we want to show up for ourselves.
“A major common factor research has found between people who grow and feel fulfilled after trauma, grief, and pain is that they reflected on what their pain made them want and not want, leading to increased life direction and appreciation,” she explained.
Sitting in our feelings is never easy, yet doing so allows us to rise from our despair as a changed version of ourselves, ready to embrace a new, hopeful day.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.