Chronically Abusive People Do These 9 Damaging Things
Remove chronically abusive people from your life.
tanitost | Shutterstock Chronically abusive behavior isn't just occasional bad moods — it’s a pattern of control, manipulation, and isolation that can leave you feeling worthless and alone. While some mistakes in relationships are forgivable, chronically abusive actions cross a line that often makes a safe breakup the only option.
Chronic abusers thrive on power, often rooted in learned behaviors from their troubled pasts, and they use tactics like controlling who you see, humiliating you, and destroying your self-esteem. Their need to dominate and restrict you isn't just about their insecurities — it’s a way to assert control over your life.
Knowing these warning signs is crucial for recognizing when to leave. If you’re considering ending the relationship, remember that breaking up safely — often with someone else present and with the support of professional resources — can be lifesaving.
Chronically abusive people do these damaging things:
1. Betrays you with a friend or someone close to you
Infidelity happens, and sometimes, forgiveness is a sign of growth for both parties. But if someone sleeps with your close friend? No. This is not someone you should get involved with.
Jennifer J. Freyd’s research on betrayal trauma illustrates how breaches of trust by those we depend on for safety — including close friends — can result in significant psychological harm.
If your partner sleeps with the person closest to you, it's not okay. That's not about cheating; it's about hurting you. That's abuse. Burn the bridge — for both of them. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
2. Publicly humiliates you
If your partner tells everyone about an embarrassing problem you shared with them in confidence or shares deep secrets publicly (and not just with a close best friend) for all to know, burn that bridge.
3. Harms your child
If you have a child and your spouse or dating partner harms your kid, that is unforgivable. Children are innocent. If this person is abusive to kids, there is no hope for that awful soul.
4. Stalks you
If someone stalks you, this is scary and not normal or loving. It is a serious situation that needs to be taken care of because your safety is essential.
A 2023 study examined the psychological and emotional effects of stalking on victims. It reported that stalking can cause significant distress, including anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress symptoms, ultimately demonstrating that stalking is not only abnormal but also a serious threat to safety.
5. Forces you to do something
A partner does not push or force anyone to do something they don't want to do. It doesn't matter how committed you are, if you've done it in the past, or even if you're married. Abuse in marriage can happen, too.
Another way they may manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do is through a guilt trip, which, unfortunately, is a form of abuse many overlook.
6. Threatens you with divorce or abandonment
If your partner threatens you with divorce or to dump you every single time you do something wrong — day after day after day — that is cruelty.
Do not return to someone who makes you anxious that they will leave you if you do not always behave well. That person is obsessed with control, and this is one of the significant signs of an abusive relationship.
7. Lies in therapy
If the two of you go to marriage counseling or couples counseling and your abusive partner is lying in therapy, it's not a good sign. If they can't be honest in a therapeutic setting where the two of you are trying to work things out, that person is in denial.
Walk away unless they are ready to come clean and explain that they are lying.
8. Verbally abuses you
Physical abuse is a no-no, but a partner that degrades you by calling you names or speaking down to you as if you are lesser is worth slamming the door on for good.
A 1999 study by K D O’Leary found that psychological abuse, including verbal aggression, leads to lower self-esteem, heightened psychological distress, and worse mental health outcomes for women in intimate relationships.
Do we all get mad sometimes? Yes. When someone calls you a mean name, life goes on, and that person should apologize and never do that again. None of us are perfect, but verbal abuse differs from having a bad moment.
Verbal abuse can be defined in so many ways, but if someone orders you around, denies your feelings or belittles them, talks down to you, and makes nasty jokes at your expense, run as fast as you can because that is emotional abuse and should not be tolerated.
9. Uses you — financially, emotionally, or otherwise
A person who uses you for gain, whether it's for a green card or money, is someone who needs to be cut out of your life. That is not someone who cares about you but only about number one — in this case, that is not you.
This 2012 study looks into how economic abuse — where one partner takes control of finances or exploits the other for their gain — serves as a significant way to exert power and control in abusive relationships. It emphasizes that financial exploitation is not just harmful; it’s also an important sign of an unhealthy and risky dynamic.
If you are scared while spending time with your partner behind closed doors because you are unsure what they will do or make you do, it's an obvious sign that you should get out as soon as possible.
If you believe you may be in an abusive relationship, there is hope and support is available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24 hours a day. Call 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
Alex Alexander is a pseudonym for a writer who chose to not have their identity disclosed. The author is known to the YourTango editors.