If You Want A Much Calmer Mind, Say Hello To These 6 Daily Habits
Work to build these habits for a peaceful existence.
Marco Testi | Unsplash, mbudley via Canva Why do some people always seem so calm and zen-like while the rest of us seem to be constantly frantic, stressed, and overwhelmed?
Unfortunately, most people don't realize that you can create a calmer mind by building better habits. Consistently calm people have cultivated habits that help to keep them feeling at ease, even when things get stressful and chaotic.
Here are 6 daily habits to cultivate if you want a calmer mind
1. Keep your expectations in check
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Expectations are often subtle defense mechanisms against the fear of uncertainty and helplessness.
When you can't actually control an external situation or are too afraid to try, retreating into your own mind and telling yourself stories about how things should be gives the illusion of control.
For example, suppose you have a boss who isn't very supportive of you, especially during team meetings. You've asked him several times to be more supportive but nothing changes.
So you've gotten in the habit of telling yourself stories about how he should be supportive and how that's what good bosses do. You do this because it temporarily gives you something to do that feels productive, like you can control things.
Of course, in the long run, these expectations are unrealistic and will continue to get violated, leading to a steady stream of disappointment, frustration, and decidedly non-calm moods and mindsets.
Expectations give us the illusion of control in the short-term. But in the long-term, all they do is stress us out.
People who keep a calm mind, on the other hand, know that the long-term stress of high expectations isn't worth the short-term relief they bring.
So, in order to foster a peace of mind and an inner calm, train yourself to be skeptical of your own expectations and stories of how things should be, and stay focused on how things really are.
2. Take responsibility for your actions, not outcomes
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There are very few things in life where you have total control over the outcome. Think about it:
No matter how good a parent you are, your kid may still struggle or mess up sometimes. No matter how hard you study, there may be questions you couldn't anticipate and get wrong. No matter how carefully you craft your pitch, you can't fully control how potential clients will react to it.
Unfortunately, facing up to this reality means feeling helpless. And some people simply can't stand feeling helpless, like they can't fully control things.
As a result, they tell themselves they should be able to control how things turn out and then inevitably get frustrated, stressed out, and disappointed when things don't go exactly to plan. If you hold yourself responsible for things you can't control, you're setting yourself up for stress and disappointment.
But people with a calm mind avoid taking full responsibility for outcomes because they know that the only thing they have at least a little control over is their actions. For example:
You're responsible for doing your best for your children, not for how they turn out as human beings. You're responsible for how well you study, not for whether you got a B+ or an A-. You're responsible for the effort you put into creating a great pitch, not for other people's reactions to it.
Now, it might sound a little radical, but reflect on it a little more deeply. Your sense of responsibility should not exceed your capacity for control. Get in the habit of taking responsibility for your actions and let the outcomes be what they will.
3. Embrace JOMO, the Joy of Missing Out
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You've probably heard of FOMO, the Fear of Missing Out. It manifests in a few ways:
Even though you're exhausted and have a big day tomorrow, you say yes to your friend's invitation to go out because you're afraid you might miss out on a really fun evening.
Even though you committed to cooking all your own meals this week and working on your diet, you agree to go out to dinner with your sister because it's the grand opening of a cool new restaurant and could be amazing.
The problem with the fear of missing out is that, because you're afraid to miss out on immediate experiences, you end up sacrificing long-term commitments like getting good sleep and performing well at work or sticking to a healthy diet.
Of course, that doesn't mean you should never accept spontaneous invitations, but it's very easy to get in the habit of always letting your FOMO take control. And when you do, your long-term values, commitments, health and peace of mind suffer.
But unlike people who let the fear of missing out derail their plans, remarkably calm people deal with this head-on by embracing JOMO, the joy of missing out.
Embracing the joy of missing out simply means reminding yourself that even though you might be missing out on something enjoyable now, you're gaining something far greater: The long-term joy that comes from keeping promises to yourself.
Truly calm people are in the habit of making decisions based on their long-term values and well-being, not passing impulses and insecurities. Embrace the joy of missing out and you'll enjoy the benefits of long-term satisfaction.
4. Set healthy boundaries
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People who are constantly stressed out and worried often have very poor boundaries. This, in turn, makes it almost impossible for them to find a peace of mind in moments of chaos.
They feel uncomfortable saying no to people and end up taking on way too much responsibility. They get insecure about disappointing their friends, so they say yes to everything even if they don't want to. Their primary source of self-esteem comes from external validation, so they're afraid to stick up for themselves out of fear of losing that validation from others.
Having no boundaries means taking on everyone else's problems and stresses as your own, so of course you never feel calm.
The trick is to build up your tolerance for your fear of disappointing others. Because if you do start saying no and setting better boundaries, people will get upset and disappointed. And it will be uncomfortable, though only temporarily.
But the long-term benefits to your well-being and peace of mind will be profound. Just imagine how much calmer your life would be if you only had to worry about your issues instead of everyone else's too.
People who have remarkably calm minds understand that you can't be helpful to others if you don't take care of yourself first. And, more often than not, that means setting (and enforcing) healthy boundaries.
5. Control your thoughts, not your feelings
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Trying to control your feelings is a recipe for chronic stress and frustration because, fundamentally, you can't.
You don't have direct control over any of your emotions.
You can't just crank up the happiness dial any time you feel sad. You can't adjust the anxiety knob a little lower to magically feel more confident. You can't pull the anger emergency brake and instantly feel tranquil and calm.
Not only is it not possible to directly control how you feel, but trying to control your feelings usually leads to feeling worse.
Trying to make yourself feel happy (and failing) leads to more disappointment and unhappiness. Trying to make yourself feel less anxious often leads to feeling anxious about feeling anxious. Trying to will your way out of feeling angry (and failing) usually just leads to more frustration and self-directed anger.
Trying to control the uncontrollable, including your emotions, will always lead to a more stressful mind, not a calmer one. And if you want to change how you feel emotionally, you can only do it indirectly by changing how you think:
When you're feeling sad, you can validate your sadness by reminding yourself that everybody feels sad sometimes. You can see that just because it feels bad to be sad, doesn't mean it actually is bad to be sad.
When you're feeling anxious, you can shift your attention out of worrying more about the future, and redirect your thoughts to something productive. When you're feeling angry, you can tell yourself that it's okay to feel angry, so long as you control how you respond to that anger.
If you want a calmer mind, you need a better relationship with your emotions. That doesn't mean suppressing them, as studies have long shown the damage that can do.
A major part of cultivating a healthy relationship with your emotions is not trying to control them directly. Rather, you can manage your thoughts and behaviors, and allow your feelings to be what they are, no matter how uncomfortable.
6. Surround yourself with supportive people
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It's a bit cliché, but human beings are social creatures. One of the implications of this is that no matter how much self-work you do on your own "stuff," other people will always influence your mental state. For example:
You can do mindfulness exercises all day long, but a micromanaging supervisor at work is still going to cause a lot of stress and mental chaos. You can work incredibly hard to change your negative self-talk, but if you live with a partner who's cruel, demeaning, or abusive, peace of mind is tough to come by.
The point is simply this: The people you spend time with on a regular basis will have a profound effect on how calm you feel. This means that, ultimately, to find more peace, you need to make serious changes to your social life and relationships.
While it's often quite challenging, consistently calm people have often done the hard work to limit their exposure to stress-inducing people. But, more than that, they proactively cultivate relationships that are supportive.
When you surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you, whom you genuinely enjoy spending time with, and who willingly support you when times are tough, that calmness you crave is something that grows naturally, not something you have to constantly fight for.
Of course, all this is way easier said than done, but you need to at least acknowledge how important your relationships are for your mental peace and well-being if you stand any chance of cultivating it.
Nick Wignall is a psychologist and writer sharing practical advice for emotional health and well-being. He is the founder of The Friendly Minds newsletter.