The Self-Defeating Cycle That Traps Many High-Achieving Women & How They Can Get Out
A working mom and CEO shares what she wishes she'd done differently.
CarlosBarquero via Shutterstock There used to be a time when women were only supposed to succeed at homemaking. Even if they had a career in a "feminine" field like nursing or education, there wasn't much of a success ladder to climb. Higher-ups were always men.
While this may seem like a million years ago, it was only one or two generations back — the mothers and grandmothers of our female leaders today — and it likely has a strong effect on Generation X and Millennial women.
In an episode of the Getting Open podcast, host Andrea Miller, founder and CEO of Tango Media, opened up to author Joanna Schroeder about what it took for her to create and run a successful independent media company — and the consequences of this success.
The desire to succeed can drive us to exhaustion
"This business has quite literally brought me to my knees," Miller confesses. "Like blood, sweat, and tears. I've got the entrepreneurial story — I maxed all my credit cards, burrowed against my 401k," begins Miller. She goes on to share that she didn't take a honeymoon when she got married and skipped maternity leave entirely after having her two sons, who are now a tween and a teen.
Yet, Miller was on a career high and she had dreams to accomplish. So, what's wrong with a little elbow grease in the grand scheme of things, right?
Schroeder and Miller agree that the lengths many women have gone to in order to prove themselves is concerning, to say the least. According to a report, 52% of Americans report working more than 40 hours a week, with 39% working at least 50. Because of this, it's unsurprising to find that 44% of Americans feel burnout, 45% emotionally drained, and 51% feel utterly used up, cites one report.
Considering how much paid work Americans are putting in, imagine what happens when you're also a mom, like these two successful women? The answer: you pretty much never rest.
Now, Miller is trying to strike a better balance, and Schroeder is following close behind, both admitting that there was a moment in which they each realized that they'd gotten trapped in a self-destructive cycle.
How to break the cycle of workaholism and 'achievement addiction'
1. Look your fear of failure in the face
After hearing how exhausted Miller was for so many years, Schroeder interrupts and asks, "Do you honestly feel like you needed to do all that? Would you have done things differently if you could?"
"I'd totally do it differently now!" Miller exclaims. "I mean now I've grown so much. [Back then], fear of failure drove me like nothing else," admits Miller.
She didn't want to fail and lose her life dream or disappoint anyone. "[That] fear would've been death to me," Miller admits. "So what do you do if you're afraid of dying? Fight-or-flight."
"It was really in that profound need to prove myself coupled with wanting to build something brilliant that made a positive impact on the world." Looking back, however, she feels didn't have to be so obsessive over it to have built her company. She simply wasn't ready to face her fear of failure and all of the emotional background that drove it.
2. Accept yourself as a driven person
"You taught me the best word to describe us: The 'Triple-A Aries'," interjects Schroeder, who built a career in digital publishing while also developing a freelance career that led to a book deal from a major publisher — all while raising three kids. But she had a mission, just like Miller.
"There's nothing more unstoppable than a Triple-A Aries who has a mission to make the world better," Schroeder explains. "When you've got a mission like that that's both personal and global it's like 'watch out'."
What is a Triple-A Aries? Besides being a Type A personality (known for being ambitious, goal-oriented and competitive), Miller is also an Aries, known for being driven, passionate, and natural leaders. So, being a Triple-A Aries means going for what she wants — despite the pushback.
Yet, mental health was also her saving grace. Driven, high-achieving women cannot deny their reality. They will never be passive or content to watch the world go on while they sit back.
When she found herself exhausted, she knew she had to dig deep to find more profound solutions to her workaholism — solutions that wouldn't compromise her vision. Miller admits to doing tons of meditation to keep herself in check. She explains, "When I give myself the chance to pause? That's where the power is."
She admits that when she doesn't ground herself in emotional and spiritual well-being, her feathers get ruffled more easily and that makes it harder to show up. So, when she takes that pause and gives herself that grace — it does wonders for her as both a leader and a person.
3. Look at the deeper source for your desire to keep achieving
Schroeder notes that there is one more "A" in Triple-A Aries: achievement-obsessed.
"You don't know you're an achievement junkie right away," says Schroeder. "You think you're driven and successful and you've got the secret, right? So, what does it mean to you to be not just achievement-orientated, but an achievement junkie?" Schroeder asks. "Where do we cross that line?"
"That's the symptom of feeling not enough, feeling not important, and feeling like the antidote to those feelings is to achieve and achieve and achieve and to people-please and to create," Miller admits.
And while she's proud of all that she's achieved, there's an undeniable shadow side to all of this — that is equally as damaging: the focus on what you do not have and how to get it.
This is why, these days, she tries to come from a place of abundance. She focuses on healing and giving back rather than "trying to fill a hole in my being," says Miller.
4. Admit you can't always control the obsessive aspects of your achievement habits
"Did you have a moment in that process (one particular moment) where you were like none of this is filling me up," asks Schroeder. "When I think about being an achievement junkie I think of myself as being an addict," Miller replies, before carefully explaining that she doesn't equate this to deadly types of addiction, but rather to the process wherein you find yourself obsessed with and needing a never-ending amount of something that comes from outside of yourself. In this case, success and achievement.
"Some people might say workaholism isn't a real addiction, [and that is fine, but] my point is anything you do in the extreme where you're seeking to fill a void from outside of you [isn't healthy]" she adds.
And Miller should know. She is a black belt in karate, a licensed pilot, holds an engineering degree as well as an MBA from an Ivy League school, founded and runs YourTango and she even wrote a book with Simon & Schuster — you name it, she's done it. But none of it truly filled that emptiness that had to come from deeper healing.
She realized that being driven is a gift, but that it can become an obsession if she doesn't do the emotional work to heal what turns her natural talent into something self-destructive. And that is a message we can all learn from.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.