The #1 Cure For Your Fear Of Being Alone
When the chaos of the world dissolves, what remains is you.
anastas | Pexels We’ve all had moments when the only way to maintain our well-being is by disconnecting. The times when your head might blow up if the phone rings one more time or one more person needs something; when your head is buzzing, and your ears are ringing with too much to do.
These are the moments when the cabin in the woods or the dark, quiet room calls out to you. But in those moments, the idea of being alone is too scary, too imposing to actually make it happen, even when your very being calls out for it. It doesn't have to be this way.
How to cure your fear of being alone
1. You need to heed the call of solitude.
Let’s get clear: Solitude does not mean retiring to a cave to live with bats or cutting off your phone service, although those ideas might be appealing if you wait too long! The truth is that our brains need quiet and solitude. It is the way we recover and stay healthy. That is why hospitals tend to be quiet places.
Recognizing the moment you need peace and seeking the solitude you need are two different things. That's because, for many, the idea of pursuing alone time is scary. It requires being alone. Yikes!
Most people have a fear of being alone. They do not understand that psychically they need it, plus they do not fully understand the treasures to be found in spending time with yourself. You might find out you are quite companionable.
We live in an over-stimulated world. Each person has three or more devices, each ringing or chirping or, in some way, demanding a response. When we aren’t talking, texting, or reading, there are other distractions — television, Play Station, YouTube — you name it!
2. Respect that your nervous system can’t take sustained overstimulation
After a while, you start twitching, shaking, and scratching because you don’t know what to do with all the nervous energy coming at you. These are signs you need solitude, and you need to take them seriously.
Take Diane, for instance. Diane is a nice lady who goes off to work at a busy office where the phones are ringing all day, people who need this and that, tasks to complete, tempers to soothe, and paperwork to file. From there Diane hops in her car and picks up her kids from after-school care, where they are often overstimulated, tired, hungry, or cranky. She arrives home to cook dinner, water the plants, do laundry, answer the mail, pay the bills, and spend quality time with her family — which includes helping with homework, correcting, admonishing, instructing, drying tears, and kissing and hugging and bedtime. And who knows what else she does before collapsing in bed for a few hours to start all over the next day!
But the thing Diane doesn’t do, the thing that is at the very bottom of her “to-do” list, is to give herself quality time by herself to read a book, take a walk, meditate, or sit and stare. So, you get the point. Diane needs quiet time and so do you!
3. Release the material world with all the noise and chaos
Our subconscious tells us, “I am bored. I need noise, distraction, and stimulus.” But that is not true. The constantly stimulated mind becomes agitated. When your focus is always out there where drama after drama unfolds, the only way to find balance is to turn everything off and focus on the stillness.
The idea of leaving the world, even for an hour, frightens the ego because the ego craves drama. Thus, you develop a fear of solitude.
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4. Let go of the ego messages that keep you uptight
- “What is wrong with you?
- "You are alone.
- "You must be unloved and unlovable.
- "This proves that no one wants to be with you. You are a loser.”
Recognize them? They are reasons people avoid solitude.
Ego babble is how we become convinced that being alone is dangerous. You're afraid you might miss out on something. Yes, you might miss something if you take some time away — and it will probably be a nervous breakdown!
We have constructed an identity dependent on the material world
It starts with your name, then your situation, and then your identity. The whole identity fiasco will be the boss of you until you go deeper into your psyche and gift yourself the adventure of aloneness.
Our first inclination when spending time alone is to get busy. Do something. Why? Because you don’t know how to be with yourself and you are running from the unknown. Do something quick; don’t just be! Wash windows, clean something, sort papers, make phone calls.
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The mind is indoctrinated with busyness and freaks out when asked to be still
It can even become depressed when not busy: “You are useless, a bum, lazy, good for nothing, blah, blah, blah.” These fearful thoughts are conjured from old programs planted in your subconscious mind from long ago. They relate to some past identity you have taken on that now rules you. As you calm down and get grounded, you will get past the ego and all its lies.
Now it is time to enter the natural world. Nature is still rhythmic and primarily peaceful. Go where there is emptiness. That is how you can release stress and noise and rest your mind. Stay for an hour or linger longer. Stay until your mind quiets and then stay longer. Remain until your body relaxes in breath, then stay even longer. Now, you are beginning to experience your inner world. It is in rhythm with nature. Remain in solitude until you have forgotten all the roles you play and how you clothe yourself with identity. Stay until you become empty. This is peace.
Loneliness is not the same as solitude or aloneness. Loneliness is always questing after something. It is painful and demoralizing. It is the feeling of never being or having enough.
When you cultivate aloneness, you will find peace
It is like dropping all the makings of the world and listening deeply, but you cannot do that without creating the space for yourself to truly listen.
what would you do if you knew something was trying to speak to you but very quietly? You'd have to ask yourself, "Have I created the inner space for it? Have I opened my heart to receive it?" It doesn't have to be a spiritual or even metaphysical "voice". It can be your intuition or wisdom or it could be all of those things.
Take time to practice. It will put everything in perspective because when you are alone, nothing else exists. It is like the contentment of the womb. Everything is provided, and you are safe and nourished.
As you get stronger, the chaos of the world dissolves, and what remains is you — vast and still like the forest at dusk or a clear, calm mountain lake. It's worth the effort!
Jean Walters is a best-selling author and St. Louis-based transformational coach who specializes in helping clients develop communication skills and empathy.