5 Most Common Emotional Wounds That Hold People Back In Life
Lots of people have wounds they don't even know still affect them.
voronaman via Shutterstock Many of the people who've experienced a deep emotional wound may feel alone, like they're one of only a few people still struggling. The truth is, a large number of people have trauma to deal with, but many of them don't want to use this word. They feel it doesn't fit their experience. But lots of people have an emotional wound that deserves attention.
In the Open Relationships: Transforming Together podcast, host Andrea Miller sits down with Vienna Pharaon, the most sought-after marriage and family therapist in New York and author of the bestselling book The Origins Of You, to discuss the five most common emotional wounds that hold people back in life — and how people can overcome them.
Why this therapist uses the term 'emotional wounds' instead of trauma
First, the word "trauma" has been long overused, says Pharaon.
"A lot of times, when you use the word 'trauma' — which is a really popular word that we've been using pretty regularly as of late — people check themselves out of the conversation." Meaning, they say, 'Well, I didn't really have trauma" and assume it has nothing to do with them.
We say, "This person had it worse so our trauma isn't that important in the grand scheme of things."
When we do this, we exempt ourselves from feeling that sense of belonging and support. We isolate ourselves and demean our experiences as just being 'non-traumatizing.'
This is why when we talk about 'trauma' Pharaon will always use the word wound. She explains that "it's like an invitation."
The five most common emotional wounds people experience
1. Worthiness wound
Most of us might feel like we aren't worthy enough and that we aren't significant enough. But, this thought process isn't our fault.
If we think about it, most of us were taught to be grateful for the life we were given. As we grew older we began to feel as if we weren't worthy enough for anything. That we aren't worthy enough for that job opportunity or for that relationship. This can negatively impact us as we might unconsciously find ourselves drawing away from those who care about us most.
This is why we need to address this emotional wound head-on. To open up and express our insecurities to others, even if it's only through text messages. Because allowing yourself to open up is the first step toward healing yourself and your relationships.
2. Belonging wound
We all deserve to feel as if we belong in this world. However, our emotional wounds might get in the way of this. Because of our wounds, we might unconsciously draw away from others, believing that nobody would truly understand us.
Or, we might hear the atrocities other people went through and believe that our wounds are insignificant — that they don't have a place in the conversation. It's important to remember that not everything needs to be traumatic for it to be significant, summarizes Pharaon. As long as it was impactful, your wound deserves to be recognized — and shared.
Because if they're not, you might find yourself closing off to those most important to you. All because you feel alienated from the people around you.
3. Prioritization wound
As we grow up, it's easy to prioritize ourselves less and less. And you might find yourself saying, "I can skip that healthy meal idea and that exercise routine because I'm simply too busy." However, not prioritizing your health is a sign that an emotional wound might be at play.
Growing up, you were likely taught that your needs came last. That you needed to focus on your family, siblings, school, or work and didn't have time to 'mess around.' Which is exactly what leads to the prioritization wound being created.
On the surface, you might not see this wound as a big deal. After all, you can always prioritize yourself later on, right? However, not learning to put your needs first can have devastating consequences in your relationships. Due to the fact that you aren't looking after your mental health, you might find yourself snapping or even withdrawing from people, leaving your friends, partner, or family in a state of confusion — and hurt.
Research backs this up, with one study citing, "The results suggested that, when people feel angry in their relationships, they are more likely to engage in destructive behaviors toward their partners."
However, when we deal with this destructive wound we not only heal and protect our relationships — but we also protect our mental health as well.
4. Trust wound
Do you have trouble trusting people — especially people you're close with? It's likely because of an emotional wound. At some point in time, something happened that made you mistrustful of others. Maybe it was a childhood wound or a relationship wound.
Regardless, you now have difficulty trusting your partner, friends, or family, leaving a huge dent in your relationships.
Most of us know that trust issues cause relationship problems, but did you know that it can also impact you as well?
A long-term study found that the determining factor for a long, healthy life is our ability to connect with others. Therefore, if you connect well with others, your overall wellbeing is likely to be impacted.
5. Safety wound
Many different types of painful experiences can lead to a safety wound, but it is, as you might guess, a wound that shows up in the form of not feeling safe, even when you are.
The National Library of Medicine writes, "Trauma can lead individuals to see themselves as incompetent or damaged, to see others and the world as unsafe and unpredictable, and to see the future as hopeless—believing that personal suffering will continue, or negative outcomes will prevail for the foreseeable future."
That sort of doom-and-gloom outlook can lead to us feeling very unsafe, and as you can imagine, this safety wound can have devastating consequences on our personal relationships. After all, if we don't feel safe with someone then we can't trust them. And if we can't trust someone then we can't truly connect with them. Leading us down a slippery slope of pushing people away without so much as a second thought.
So, if you want to avoid this, then it's important to start by healing your safety wound first.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.