Christian Podcaster Shares The One Question Men With 'Ugly, Worn-Out, Haggard' Wives Should Ask Themselves
Was his message as bad as it sounds?
Jim Ramos / YouTube Christian podcaster Jim Ramos, otherwise known as "Men in the Arena," relies on the narrative that both people in a relationship are dependent on each other’s behavior for their own wellbeing — well, really just a wife’s reliance on a husband.
In a podcast from April 2023, he asked his male listeners how they were behaving as husbands, telling them their unfaithful or inappropriate behavior towards their wives could be the reason they “find them ugly” as they grow older.
While the root of the question was asking men to be better in their partnerships, the delivery from this podcaster sparked lots of discourse around how healthy and productive his conversation really was. In addition, his remarks on depression symptoms have stirred hesitancy about his devotion to women at large.
Jim Ramos asked his male listeners if their behavior was ‘dignified’ and urged a change in their ways could fix their 'ugly wives.’
“Her countenance is to your glory or shame,” the podcaster said starting his video. There were flaws to his narrative, as many creators pointed out as they started to dive deeper into the conversation.
Women are not a tool or objects at men’s disposal to parade. Their beauty, charm, and grace are not indicative of a man’s success and they don’t deserve shame for their body image, distrust for their appearance, or celebration for their alignment with male standards of beauty.
Ramos’ narrative was rooted in these flawed principles and critics pointed out that his use of the terms “haggard” and “ugly” to describe depressed women were nowhere to be found in the "study" he was quoting.
Using a study on addiction in marriage, Ramos linked a husband’s behavior with spousal depression.
Many Christian marriages are founded on faithful principles that "the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man." Not only is this perpetuating an often unhealthy power imbalance in partnerships when referenced out of context, but Ramos specifically used it to gloss over women’s experiences with a focus on men, whether intentional or not.
“Here’s the question you need to ask yourself — is my wife ugly?” Ramos said. “Does she look like she’s been ridden hard and put away wet? Or is she glowing with dignity and elegance because she’s been loved well by you?”
Many TikTok creators found his language surrounding women disgusting. Some like @killercadoogans_library gave him a taste of his own medicine.
Instead of focusing on the daily acts of devotion from husbands or the nature of their partnership, Ramos used a book on impurity addictions in men to pull statistics about how women experience depression, to provide context to his discussion on women’s physical appearance.
While Ramos painted depression and its symptoms as inherently tied to the actions of a husband, research shows that women are more than twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression than their male counterparts. Many of the reasons for a diagnosis are entirely biological or specific to the gendered experiences of women.
In addition, researchers point out the stigma around women with depression stating gendered differences as playing a role in both the diagnosis and experienced symptoms in women. Inherently, women are more at risk of depression during puberty, pregnancy, menopause, and other foundational biological stages in their lives.
While a great deal of research suggests that biological factors are responsible for a majority of depression diagnoses in women, it would be ignorant to not acknowledge that life circumstances and stressors are also contributing factors. However, while the behavior of a partner might be one of those, Ramos seemed to glide over the reality of that dynamic.
His conversation focused on the achievement of men in overcoming unfaithful behaviors, however, the goal, delivery, and foundations of his argument seemed to strike a nerve with many women on social media.
Many creators found Ramos' delivery distasteful, and others suggested he was simply quoting a book, but a deeper dive revealed he added some interesting language.
Many women on TikTok had strong feelings about this podcaster’s delivery and weren’t afraid to let him know. While the root of the whole discussion was telling men to treat their wives better, his link between a man’s behavior and a woman’s physical beauty was flawed.
In the book that Ramos referenced throughout his video, Dr. Doug Weiss discussed the impact of "addicted husbands” on their wives’ lives.
Naming husbands’ addictions to promiscuity as the root of their wives’ struggles, he delved into a study of eighty-five hand-selected women to discuss the symptoms of depression they experienced. He named “low energy and fatigue” and a “depressed mood” as the two largest struggles of these women, with over 82% reporting they struggled with one or both of the symptoms.
Other reported symptoms were poor appetite or overeating, poor concentration, and an inconsistent ability to sleep. What many listeners noticed when Ramos was referencing the book he quoted, was that Dr. Weiss never used the words “haggard, hampered, or ugly” to describe the wives he conducted his study with.
In all 282 pages of the book, Dr. Weiss never used those labels or names to describe women or to describe anyone.
Ramos dangled the hope of a 'beautiful wife' as a reward for addiction recovery.
While at the beginning of his podcast, it seemed that he used a cause-and-effect approach to compare husbands’ addiction with their wives’ appearance, by the end it was confusing what order he was placing them in.
From the beginning, Ramos relied on a study of addiction and impurity to describe symptoms of depression in women, a framework that left out important facts about women’s experiences and struggles.
Other Christian creators on TikTok made clear distinctions about the foundations of men “leading” their wives in their marriages, a distinction glossed over by Ramos to hyperfocus on the behavior of men. In his devotion to the responsibility of a man, he lost focus on the root of the issue.
Regardless of your faith, acknowledging that depression and other mental health struggles are unique to each person and not inherently linked to a man’s behavior, is important. Acknowledging that physical appearance is not indicative of a person’s happiness or well-being is important.
Most importantly, a healthy partnership can look different for every person. Whether or not you consider yourself faithful or religious, being communicative and open with your partner should be the top priority.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango focusing on pop culture analysis and human interest stories.